transitioning to assisted living community

hellomomitsme

Seeking some advice on how you may have accomplished the same.  Mom lives alone in her home that she shared with our Dad before he passed (9 years now) for over 30 years.  She is in the mid stage of Dementia Alz. and is no longer safe living alone to include the typical symptoms of not taking medications properly, lack of personal hygiene, not eating appropriately, sleep walking, mood swings that border on manic, expressing desire to die, and dis-owning her children as we seek to help support her.

Recently totaled her car - I know, the car should have been removed years ago however she was defiant and my siblings didn't want to upset her.

Doesn't recall the accident, swears there wasn't any and that we stole her car from her.

We've recently added in-home aids twice weekly to monitor her eating, drive her to appointments and monitor meds.  Its a temporary stop gap.

We've moved to finding her a brand-new senior living community 55 and up that has a) independent living; b) assisted living; c) memory care living.  Its like a cruise ship on land - or a luxury hotel with fantastic amenities, lifestyle, restaurants, transportation, and she's allowed to bring her dog.  

The doctor has completed the Gov. 1832 forms and recommends the aids are short term and she needs to move "now" into an Assisted Living Center.  Hence, we're ready to transition at the end of the month.

When she had her full faculties, we created a Living Trust that she and my brother are co-trusutees too; created full POA, Healthcare Surrogate POA, End of Life documents, etc.  Basically, we've got the medical professional and legal requirements to ensure she is safe and well provided for based on her wishes.

Problem is.....Mom believes she's fine.  Not going anywhere - going to die in her home / castle.  Her children just want her money and to throw out all her stuff.  Neighbors love her and told her that she should hire an attorney, call the police to block her children.

What to do.....she cannot stay alone, at home or live with her children.  The new condo/apartment is waiting for her and while I would have liked to set it up with her, decorate, bring all her favorite items, belongings, that is not possible as she will not let us pack her stuff.  She's refusing to move.

I believe we have both a fiduciary responsibility and a loving, caring responsibility to do the best and right thing for our loved one.  Versus, letting the person with this disease make decisions in which they are clearly incapable of doing.

Has anyone dealt with this and how did you proceed with the transition?

terei

There are many discussions on this board about to accomplish this through subterfuge (take her for a ride in the car + somehow there was a flood at her house + she has to stay in this place til it’s fixed, etc)

It is, however, sometimes necessary to wait for a crisis.  You missed an opportunity when she totaled the car + I assume she was taken to an ER.  She should have gone straight from there to new place. She may fall, she might get lost or do something else to draw the attention of police + be taken to an ER.  Be ready leap at any opportunity.

She may have to be in a facility where she cannot walk out, which probably means memory care if she is determined to leave.  She may need to be restricted from using a phone.

Start reading past posts that deal with this.  Some solution might jump out at you that seems seems likely for you to work.  She is going to throw a fit, no matter how you handle it, so be ready with your responses to all her complaining, threats, etc.   Good luck

hellomomitsme

@terei.  Thank you.  Your message and advice is exactly what I needed to hear/see.  Its a hard message but the right message.  And, far too often as caregivers and children of parents with this disease, we tip-toe around doing the right thing to do for our loved ones.

Cynbar

I haven't dealt with this yet, but I know many here have. I believe the usual plan is to take her to the facility under a subterfuge, often going out to lunch. Once inside the building, the facility staff takes over, and family leaves. Consult with the staff about what plan they recommend, but it's usually  a version of this. They should have a lot of experience with this challenge, most people who need memory care have lost the ability to understand they need help. She'll be unhappy at first, but almost everyone settles in. Sounds like this has to be done for her safety. But don't expect her to agree to it, she won't and she can't because she has dementia. You need to be the parent now and do what is best for her. She'll try to manipulate you by calling you all sorts of names --- block her calls if you have to until she adjusts. Her doctor is onboard --- keep reminding yourself it has to be done. As I said, I haven't faced this myself, but posts by those who have all seem to follow the same path.

jfkoc

other stories are water leak, gas leak, no electricity followed by damage fixed and painting

Quilting brings calm

I don’t have a lot of advice to offer. But I do have a concern.  Your mom sounds like she might need to go straight into the memory care portion.  Did the facility evaluate her already and accept her into the  assisted living part?

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hellomomitsme

Thank you all so very much.  Its comforting to know this community has solid and sound advice.  In terms of the Trust and Power of Attorney's, we are in good shape there as my Brother and I have dual PoA through to End of Life requests (to include healthcare surrogate, etc.).  Additionally, I'm a Successor to the Trustee to which it is a co-Trust with Mom and my Brother.   Highly encourage people to have the legal documentation done in advance.  In terms of her Nuero and medical doctors, they're on board with the plan and have completed the necessary paperwork for Assisted Living Center entrance, a personal family care leave of absence (taking time off from work to transition Mom), and the new senior community has met her twice.  They have not yet completed their evaluation to determine daily living schedule or placement however we have recognized it will not be a continued, living independent situation any longer.  Hence, initially Assisted Living Center with the ability to move up into Memory Care should that be a requirement.

KatieH2

Hi Helloitsme! My sister and I have been going through this for 2 years. My mom had symptoms of dementia starting about 3 years ago. She refused to get checked, she was fine. Once it was becoming more noticeable (her friends would call me, my father, my sister and tell us about her behavior), my sister and I tried to take action. We researched assisted living facilities picked a few out and positioned it to my parents as a transition to be able to not have to worry about keeping up a house, shoveling, etc. They were not buying it. Fast forward three years and all hell broke lose. My Dad fell and has neuropathy from diabetes, my moms alzheimers is horrible. We finally got her to go to the doctor and they referred her to a neurologist. She refused to go. We spoke with my Dad and he finally agreed and we had to do some therapuetic/sympathetic white lies to get my mom to go to assisted living with my Dad. TBH, it is a horrible situation and honestly, one they had planned for with long term care policies, etc. Now we are one month inn and they just told us my mom cannot stay and she has to go to Memory Care but my Dad can stay.

There are no easy ways to do this. Someone said it sometimes takes a scare, accident or worse to get them to go. Someone had told me to call adult protective services but we didn't get to that point b/c my Dad finally agreed. This is a road that is lonely and no one ever wants to walk down. And no one outside of the family and in this forum really understand the unfolding of everything. 

You've come to the right place to ask questions and get information. Everyone's road is different but we are all in this together. I know that doesn't help answer your question, but there is not one easy answer. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Suebee2bee

Hi, 

I think we are going through something very similar and I want to share. My brother and I finally ripped off the band-aide (after 2 years of discussion/ plotting/ indecision/ guilt trips) and moved my mom into a memory care assisted living last weekend. With advice from our elder care advisor and staff at the facility, we told her a white lie to get her in there - we are going there for another visit (she's been there to visit before and liked it) and for lunch. My mom is still quite high functioning, so we couldn't move her furniture in front of her - so, the day before I invited her to my house; while my husband and my brother & sister in law grabbed furniture from her spare bedroom; and from each of our own houses; to furnish her new apartment. 

I can say that Covid makes this crazy move even crazier... and it's something that we all need to be prepared for! However, the silver lining is that as a resident she will be first in line to get the vaccine; and we are all happy about that. 

Rockym

So, I'm going to throw this out there having been through this a few times... If you think she may end up in MC, just make sure you like it.  My mom was in a pretty AL, a higher care AL and then MC all within 3ish years.  I suppose I wouldn't change her placement, but it would have helped to be a bit more prepared.

Mom had a stroke in pretty AL and was kicked out.  Higher care AL wanted her drugged or moved to their MC.  Their MC was awful.  Too many residents, too few space and countless other issues.  Those poor residents couldn't get away from each other if there was a clash of personalities.  I knew my mother would never be safe there.  This was due to the facility and the fact they were pushing for meds that weren't needed.

So, we left and off we went to a MC where she lived out there rest of her life in peace with no drugs needed.  The moral of the story... if you don't want extra moves, look ahead if possible. Best to you.

BarbaraG

Wow, it's like I'm reading our story and it seems to be a common theme.  Parent says they are fine and refuse to move.  We let things go for a whole year as Mom got progressively worse and finally we had her doctor declare her "mentally incapacitated" and he activated her HCPOA which gave us the ability to make decisions.  It was a horrible time but it had to be done for her own good.  One day my husband put her in the car and said she was going to the doctor.  He took her to an assisted living facility.  It was a horrible day, I'm not going to lie.  She cried and we bawled.  It took her a couple of months to get adjusted but she did and she was well taken care of.  Sometimes we have to be the adults and make the tough decisions, just like we would do if it was our 2 year old child.  Good luck to you.

Barbara

Marianne*

Hi "Hello..."

I'm in the same situation and am going back through threads and reading advice.  How did the move go?  What did you end up doing?  We have a lot in common.  My dad passed away 10 years ago and my mom has lived in her loved house alone since then.  In 2017 she had a car accident, not of her making, that propelled her dementia forward.  She's legally incompetent for a couple of years and I have some help with giving her meds morning and night.  

She fights all help; I've tried to have caregivers garden with her and cook her dinner but she refuses.  She broke her foot 3 months ago and I've heard at least 4 or 5 stories about how she did it.  She doesn't remember what she did a few hours earlier a lot of the time. She won't remember what she ate or if she ate.  Sometimes she'll heat up 2 or 3 microwave dinners because she "did it wrong".  It's been over a year that meds have been locked up in a safe and opened by someone each morning and night and given to her but daily she calls in a panic over needed a key or combo to get in.  Now, half the time though she's in a panic about where her meds are because she doesn't remember they're right there in the safe.  

My mom is the drunk who's fine to drive.  She's not leaving her house.  She's gonna kill herself.  We'll have to have someone come and drag her out.  She's staying in her house until she doesn't know her own name, etc.  Please tell me how things went with you guys.