Mother Attending Wedding

Houston2991

Hello, 

I wanted to reach out on here to get this communities thoughts. My mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzhiemers when she was ~60 years old. She was recently moved into an assisted living home specializing in memory loss. She moved in March 2020.

I am 28 years old and have a wedding coming up in February 2021. We were originally not going to have her there for COVID reasons but she is now getting fully vaccinated over the next couple of weeks prior to the wedding. 

I have expressed interest in her attending my wedding but my father has demanded that she not attend due to Alzhiemers. I am not requesting that she take part in the wedding but more so that she just be there. My father is saying she is to far along to be able to attend. I have requested the documentation and contact info for her doctors but he has yet to give it to me. I simply want to ask them what they think in order to get a medical opinion on the matter. 

After having spent the last several months in the facility would it be cruel for me to take her out to be part of the wedding? It is going to be extremely small with 9 people including her. We were going to have her original caretakers come to the wedding as well.(1 or 2 of them).   

Additionally, the wedding is in the same town as where her facility is located. It would be a 20 - 30 minute drive depending on traffic conditions. 

On a side note for context, my father moved her into the Alzhiemer facility in March, sold the house they owned together in June, and and moved in with a girlfriend. Prior to moving in with the girlfriend he had her stay at my parents house and told me and my brother that she was just a "friend".  

Thank you for the help!

star26

Who is going to be the person that is in charge of supervising and caring for your Mom on the wedding day, including getting her ready and providing transport and possibly leaving early because she's had enough? Is that going to fall on your Dad?  Or can you allow room for one of your wedding guests to be a professional care aide so that everyone else can enjoy themselves? As your Mom's primary caregiver, your Dad is in the best position to judge what your Mom can and can't handle and what has the potential to become problematic. I would trust him. 

Regarding his girlfriend, you can read about what it's like to have a spouse with AD on the Spouse forum. Even when he and your Mom were still living together he no longer had his companion, lover, friend, or someone to talk to and share life with. Seeking some companionship elsewhere is one way to get through this tragedy. I don't think it speaks to how he feels about your Mom or the family. It's a matter of survival. 

Houston2991

Thanks for the reply! I should have mentioned we would have her original caretakers come. (1 or two of them if needed).

dayn2nite2

The fact of COVID and that she’s been there only since March have me lean toward no.  Add that family dynamic and it’s a definite no.  I’m assuming your father is bringing his girlfriend and that’s his reason for not wanting her there?

Even so, the tension and emotion of the day will likely be overwhelming for her.

Houston2991

Thanks for the reply. We actually haven't extended her an invitation.

Cynbar

Talk to the staff at her memory care facility, they work with her every day and should be able to give you input on this. I have to say, however, that persons who require memory care are usually pretty far along on their dementia journey. Change and unfamiliar situations can be very hard on them, and they sometimes act out. You don't want to upset her, and you don't want a big disruption on this very special day. I don't know how she functions on a day to day basis, but then neither do you. You also have to consider whether the facility would let her out in this time of COVID restrictions. Talk to them, and rely on their guidance.

Iris L.

Your mom will need two vaccinations three weeks apart.  Even then, protection is not 100%.  You have not said if your mom will understand that you are getting married.  Do you talk with her on the telephone or via Zoom? 

Iris L.

zauberflote

I am so sorry your mom (who is likely younger than I am) has EO. I am happy for you and your fiancé. However, dementia and weddings, ever how small they may be, don't mix well sometimes. 

My oldest got married when his grandmothers were 87 (my mom, who came 600 miles in my sister's car to be there) and 90 (MIL, local). MIL was wheelchair-bound and the private caregiver on that shift brought her. She left immediately after the ceremony and a couple of photos. Mom, sis, bro, and sis's two girls retired to the outdoors portico for the reception, as the music was, of course, loud enough for 20-somethings to hear. I didn't get to stick around and be mother-of-groom much-- Mom wanted to have me out there on the portico with the rest of her family (truth be told, it was a relief from the music but I missed all kinds of shenanigans). Since I wasn't travelling with Mom and sis, I have no idea how all that went, but it surely wasn't easy for either of them. 

You might have to think-- for whose sake do you want your mom there? If she is dying to go, has helped with preparations, and can keep a mask on with that hired caregiver's help, perhaps she can come for a bit. If you want her to be there because moms are there for children's weddings, you might have to do some soul-searching. However. Your dad is the primary caretaker, and asking for him to make the doctors essentially give you ammunition against him is dirty pool in my book. Besides, it seems on here to be the case that most doctors are fairly clueless in this arena. Trust your dad. Take lots of pics for your mom. 

harshedbuzz

Best wishes for a long and happy marriage. Milestones going forward are going to be bittersweet for you.

I am sorry for the situation in which you find yourself being the youngish adult child of a parent with EO  and to be pained by the behavior of your father. It's a double blow. That said, I almost get a sense that you have not been around them much- perhaps you were busy completing your education and tending to your career as is the expected path of the 20's. The situation with your dad is not completely unusual in the sense that he is married but doesn't have the benefit of a partner in any sense- he can't share the the work, conversation, play, intimacy, a future or even past in the later stages of dementia. 

His reasoning might not be as unkind as you believe. He might know she is would not enjoy the day. Long before dad went into a MCF any gathering of people was unpleasant for him. He used to be quite the party boy, but I recall taking him out for his birthday as a party of 6 and him fussing at me the entire time because he wanted his brother there not his adult grandchildren and angling to go home asap. A few months later at Christmas we had 6 at his house and he was miserable with the upset to his routine eventually wandering away from the table at brunch and disappearing into his room. Once he moved to the MCF, I had to take him out for an injection to manage a relapse of cancer and offered to take him for a drive or to lunch and he just wanted to get back to his suite. 

He might even be protecting her dignity. A dear friend of mine in your situation elected to visit her mom in the MCF after the ceremony because she knew her mom wouldn't really understand the proceedings and she didn't want other guests judging her. Or he might want to focus on and enjoy the day; I know my dad would not accept care from anyone else if my mom was around.

The other piece to the vaccine is that it hasn't been proven to prevent the transmission of the virus in those fully vaccinated. Theoretically, she could be asymptomatic and still make others who have not been vaccinated sick- it's why people who have had the vaccine are still supposed to be masked.

RanchersWife

I’m just going off of what you’ve said. It sounds like your dad might end up making you decide between him and your mom. I would choose your mom if you feel she would enjoy the wedding. My LO is always up for an adventure. It’s her personality. If you have a caregiver and they can leave whenever they need to then I don’t see any problems.

I would ask the caregiver what they think. You don’t need medical records. Caregivers will know. They will be honest about if she will enjoy and tolerate a small wedding. It doesn’t sound like a hard thing to do. What your dad is doing sounds manipulative and selfish. 

Your dad sold his house and is using the money to care for his wife with EO? He has a girlfriend and doesn’t want to see your mom. There’s survival and there’s common decency. He’s also lied to you. He might very well be spending all of his money in order to not deal with this. It’s a devastating disease but it’s not your mother’s fault. How will he take care of himself in 20 years? I hope he’s not spending all their money now and calls you someday saying, “I’m out of money. You take in your mother.”  

That is my take on it. On this board we support the caregiver very much. However, I’m advocating for the LO here. She shouldn’t be banned from her own daughter’s wedding if she’s capable of going because your dad doesn’t want to see her! 

On the other hand, your dad probably has the final say about who can take her out of the facility.

Rescue mom

My DH is late midstage Alzheimer’s. Being out of his home makes him very agitated, much as Harshed Buzz described. Being around more than 2-3 people at a time is also upsetting to him, in any location.  OTOH, by the next day, he’s forgotten everything. Your mom might go, cause a ruckus (or not) and after all that’s been done or happened, she won’t remember being there.

It sounds like you have not been around her in a while, so you must depend on others judgment. But if she is in memory care and needs caretakers, that’s a pretty strong indicator. But it sounds like too many down sides to me, and not much in the way of upside. 

If you just want her there because “that’s what people do at weddings,” I’m sorry but dementia makes life different in a lot of ways. And now we have covid on top of that.

Her facility and covid...facilities in my state are being extremely strict about not letting residents leave except for hospital medical emergencies. Yes, the facilities are saying residents will get vaccinated “soon,” or “a couple weeks” but they started  saying that six weeks ago. No previous dates were met, it’s a constant round of extensions. Honestly, at this point, I’ll believe it when I see it. But don’t absolutely count on her getting a vaccination in time. And it takes the vaccine 2-3 weeks to be effective.

As for dad and the girlfriend, re-read what star26 said, and read it again. I haven’t gotten the idea that he’s being “mean” about it. The fact is that such events are often upsetting for a person with dementia.   Your dad took care of your mom with Alzheimer’s for years. He had no semblance of a normal life, probably for years. A caregiver spouse has lost the person they loved and married, lost conversations, vacations, and life partner. It’s harder than being alone because something remains that must be cared for like a baby, 24/7, except they’re bigger and more mobile. Now he’s found, and gotten her into, a facility. That’s a monumental job, and expense, in itself, for most people. 

If the caregiver, or person in charge of her care who sees her regularly, deals with her care and is most familiar with her, says the person with Alzheimer’s can’t do whatever, I think the caregiver opinion deserves respect (and probably he has legal grounds with POA etc). 

 It’s not like he’s trying to keep her a secret from the girlfriend, the girlfriend already knows, and sadly, your mom is probably unable to know or understand either way, although she may still recognize  your dad in some way. But it’s not at all unusual for people in his position to have a special companion. No one cares IME as long as PWD is cared for. 

You didn’t say if she comprehends your marriage or how much you have been able to talk/zoom to her about it. If she was not so impaired, I’d say take her to the wedding. But the fact that she’s in Memory care indicates she’s pretty far along the dementia path.

JJ401

Things to consider:

Your mom may have had both shots by then, but I don't believe one is fully protected until a few weeks after the second shot. You need to figure that into your timeline.

The memory care where she resides may not relax their rules about outside visits after the second shot. They may wait for community spread to be lower before they do so. Public health officials are saying that precautions will still need to be taken for a period of time.

You need much more information about your mom's level of functioning before you even consider having her attend. Facilities (here) usually have periodic family care plan meetings. If there is one soon, ask your dad if you can attend (virtually). 

It may be only a 20-30 minute car ride, but if your mom becomes agitated during the ride, she is not going to be easy (may be impossible) to calm down for the wedding.

Your father is her spouse, and if he says no, you would have to go to court to legally override his decision. 

If you were my child, my suggestion would be that, if visits are possible at that time, you and your new spouse visit her either just before or after the ceremony. Bring your camera and ask a staff member to take a couple of pictures.

ladyzetta

Dear Huston,

Your DM may not even  know or remember that she went. When my DH was in MC I would take him out for a drive around our small town and drive through McD's for lunch and our favorite drive through coffee stand for coffee. We did this once a week. When  we got back to MC he had no idea where he had just been. 

I like JJ401s idea about taking pictures. Have someone take pictures of the wedding and get some copies to give your Mom. Maybe even freeze her a piece of cake. 

You want to have fond memories of your wedding and not memories of your Mother being upset.

Congratulations,  Zetta 

sophirolr

If you hadn't invited her, it would have been very sad

aannaa

So I agree with you, not inviting mom would be a bad idea

lizz.olya

My friend had  a very similar situation and she still took her to her wedding. It was very sweet. She bought her a very nice dress on https://www.princessly.com as well as herself. In a word, she is very happy that she did so, everything went perfectly and joint photos warm her soul. Therefore, if you invited your mother to the wedding, then it was a good choice I think

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harshedbuzz

Zombie thread.