how do you deal with meanness?

DDrum

As far back as I can remember (i'm 53 years old) my mom was a negative person and a master manipulator with ability to make others feel guilt (my 3 siblings feel same way).  It now seems that the behavior is on steroids and I find I struggle with granting grace and believing that it's the disease and not a calculated behavior.  It is increasingly difficult to regularly hear your mother say to you "I know you don't love me" or "you're a loser" and several other similar comments.  I get defensive even though logic tells me that arguing doesn't do anyone any good and I just end up feeling more guilt.  Looking for any suggestions on coping mechanisms as it's heartbreaking and stressful.

SarahRu10

Hi DDrum,

I just read your post and all I can say is I am in same boat. I just joined 10 minutes ago out of desperation. My mother's bitterness and nastiness is horrible. It makes me want to just walk away and let her die without me. I have faith this forum will help and I am looking forward to finding a way to detach and help. I have one older brother whom hasn't spoken to me for 6 years. He lives closer but we can't work through together so I am alone in this. Heartbroken and alone.

star26

I went through this with my Dad. It was extra awful for me when he did it in front of other people. I felt embarrassed and like a chastised kid. Other times it also made me feel like I was a fool for sacrificing so much in order to care for him. And of course it made me angry too. Although people (including me) said "It's the dementia" the fact is that he said the same jerky and mean stuff 30 years ago. Even if it was largely induced by dementia at the present time, it still triggered past memories and feelings. Here's what I think helped me: A couple years ago I shared with a friend some particularly nasty things he had said about me that day. I wanted to cry or be angry about it but she started laughing out loud. She wasn't making light of it, but she found his insults to be so ridiculous and untrue that it made her laugh. She saw it 100% as a weird problem with him (dementia or not) and nothing to do with me. It wasn't conscious, but this flipped a switch for me. I started calling her briefly or sending her little emails to share the day's mean comments and ridiculous insults and we naturally responded to them as if they were jokes. His words would still "get me" from time to time but they mostly lost their power when I started seeing the humor in them and the situation. And I think my Dad noticed and the mean person in him was disappointed that I was unfazed or even made light of it. You might think I'm nuts, but sometimes when he'd yell at me I'd growl like a lion in response and it would break the spell. He'd just shake his head as if I were crazy and sometimes he'd laugh and the loud roaring was a great release for me!    

It mostly passed with my Dad and I've seen it pass with others so I hope the same happens with both of you. Meanwhile, know you're definitely not alone. I work with dementia patients as well and it's common to hear everyone complain about "the mean ones".  

vinm134

My mother takes serequil.  Have you tried medication?  My mother is a happier person.  But she can have her bad days if something upsets her.

MimiMinder

Hi DDrum and SarahRu10,

I had a different experience growing up and my mother was good to me, but there was still some pain and garbage to deal with. I had 'stuff' that I felt I needed to get off my chest, but how do you have 'that' conversation with someone with dementia? Short answer - you don't. So I did one of the best things ever, which was counseling. I know in the era of COVID it might not be possible, but the book the therapist recommended could be done alone or with a friend (possibly new friend on forum?) who wants to process issues. The Grief Recovery Handbook (an older book still helping folks) by John James had a process to work through. It allowed me to look back, reflect, let go, forgive, and move on. It wasn't easy, but I felt unburdened at the end.

The other thing I would recommend is reaching out to people on this forum. If you really like what a person has written or feel some kind of spark or connection, invite the person to form a connection. This would allow you to message back and forth within this forum and possibly even develop a connection outside of the forum (such as phone calls, texting or becoming friends on FaceBook). I have two friends I met on the forum and they have helped me immeasurably through some tough times. 

Know that many of us will be counting to 10 in our heads, smiling sweetly while silently cursing, or employing other coping strategies to get through the day. Remember you are not alone!

~ Diana

harshedbuzz

Dementia in a parent who has always been difficult is a special kind of suckitude.

Early on I was never able to buy-in to the notion of it's the disease talking because what dad was saying was the script I had heard for years. It was hard, dad couldn't recall what he'd had for lunch or the state in which he was currently residing, but his emotional intelligence remained as sharp as ever- he maintained the ability to hone in on the comment he thought would cause the most pain to each individual in his orbit as he lost the social filter that might have given him pause to let it rip. Hence, my mom "looked really old today", I was "fat", my unmarried niece whose long term boyfriend had recently died in a tragic accident "wasn't getting any younger" and my son, who has autism and had never been on a date was asked constantly about his sex life. So yeah, fun times. 

I'd done therapy earlier, so I had the tools to reframe and compartmentalize my relationship with my dad. Some things that helped me deal with this were-

Recognizing that it was the illness, maybe not the dementia, but the long standing mental health issues that went undiagnosed/untreated until we brought him to a geriatric psychiatrist. I never thought I'd be able to pull off a psychiatrist, but I posed it as a second opinion around his dementia diagnosis, losing his right to drive and making sure he was getting the best care possible. Once there, he loved talking about himself.

Related to the above, the geripsych prescribed a cocktail of medications to improve dad's mood and anxiety which took a lot of the starch out of his aggression. Dad took 2 different SSRIs and an atypical antipsychotic.

I saw my care and support of my dad as a measure of who I was as a person rather than who he had been. 

I soon learned to detach when things got ugly. Dad once accused me of being stupid and selling his house for less money than it was worth- the price differential was exactly the amount he'd lost in the market when he was day-trading. Rather than defend myself, I apologized and promised to do better. He was unable to process that reaction and changed the subject.

It also helped to know that this wasn't a forever thing. As dad became more cognitive impaired, he became more like the sweet little boy his ancient aunties used to describe.

HB

Wilted Daughter

DDrum,

I really don't have any advice as I have been dealing with the same issues. Apparently personality traits (genetics/environmental) are hardwired. I've read and learned that you can't  change a person you can only change your response. There are many articles, poems about this subject. To change responses is very difficult you have to speak positive, ignore, develop inner-peace for acceptance. These steps must be practiced daily don't stop you from feeling badly when interacting with someone who is passive-aggressive or exhibits negative personality traits. It is draining to interact with someone who is more negative than positive, passive-aggressive, manipulative and narcissistic with dementia (my experience). I feel as if these behaviors are living spirits that live in the house/environment as well as in the person.

I exercise outdoors as much as possible, try not to engage in long conversations and let them do most of the talking, give them space/room stay out of their space, and try not to respond as much as possible (bit your lip). Too much repression leads to medical health conditions so this must be managed. I say if we learn how and when to ignore it will benefit us with inner peace, inner growth and this is my new year's resolution.

"Don't try to steer the river." - Deepak Chopra

mommyandme (m&m)

Thank you all for sharing in this thread. So lovely and timely!

Saya_G

DDrum,

I love harshedbuzz’s description ‘suckitude’! It sums it up! It does suck to take care of an ungrateful elder parent that has dementia. 

My Mom was hard to deal with too – she had a sad childhood, she never got counseling to deal with her issues. So, at least some of her issues, were handed down to us. 

It is HARD to ‘take’ – especially as an adult that hasn’t had to live with it daily for many years! 

I love my Mom, but made a vow to myself to never live with her again (had to briefly a number of year ago, due to moving back to my hometown area, that was years before dementia – I had almost forgotten how hard it was to live with her, that was when I made the vow). 

My sister promised my Dad that she would take care of Mom, that is when the time came that Mom needed to be taken care of. 

Dad had asked me to make the same promise thru one of our cousins, many years before he became ill; I said no, I would not make that promise. I told my cousin I was one of five children, and that I wasn’t going to make a promise that would emotionally make me feel guilty if I eventual had to say said  that I’d had enough! I told her that responsibility needed to be shared.

Dad was on his deathbed when he asked my sister, I would have said yes then too. I guess I was ‘lucky’ to have lived several States away when he passed. 

All this said, Mom’s dementia seemed to take away any social constraints that she had to control her anger. At one point my sister said that, out of anger, our mother had taken her cane and swirled it around knocking over a lamp. Sis said if she’d of gone near Mom, she believes she would have been hit!

We called her doctor and asked for medications that would help! He prescribed two – they have helped immensely!! One was an anti-depressant, the other an antipsychotic! The combo seems to have worked. Mom still gets frustrated; but is now better able to contain her frustration. My sis and I now wish she had had antidepressants years ago!! 

I hope this helps – dementia under that best of situations ‘suckitudes’ – having to deal with life long anger issues makes it so much worse! I try to keep in mind that, it really sucks and has to be scary for our mother too. 

Welcome to the best group of people that will really, totally understand what you are going thru! Prayers and best wishes! 

DDrum

Thank you to everyone who posted.  I laughed a little and shed a few tears as I read through each response and now truly believe that this forum can bring some comfort.  It is very helpful to receive confirmation that I'm not alone in this experience and it's okay to have a meltdown every now and again.  I appreciate the acknowledgement that there was always some sort of mental illness present and the reminder that I control my reaction which impacts how the situation accelerates or decelerates.  I look forward to additional sharing.

Suzzin

Oh this is so so true! My mom gets angry and goes through her "greatest hits" of the lectures she used to give me as a kid and teenager. I could quote passages word perfect. A few months ago she was getting particularly personal and aggressive, and I looked at her and said "I'm not going to listen to this any more" and I walked out of the room.

Wow! The relief I felt, and the sorrow for the kid I was who never had the chance to walk out of the room. Of course she doesn't remember either the lecture or me walking out, so it's just a personal memory for me. Now when she gets going I say "I'm sorry you're having a bad day" and walk to a different part of the house.

My dad, on the other hand, wavers between cheerful gratitude and barely concealed sarcastic rage. I stood up to him once, and it about broke me in two. With him I've reverted to childhood habits of pacifying him, and it's exhausting.

Nancy B21

Dear DDrum and SarahRu10

I am in the same boat and just joined this website today.

My fun mom is suddenly angry and hostile and mean to me-screaming and calling me names.  Her doctor made her surrender her keys to me and now I am the villain. And this week while presenting to the board on a Zoom call I got a text from the independent living place that mom had called the police.  The police then started calling me for 2 hours while I am on the call trying to hold it together.  She reported me for stealing her car.    They were so nice and understanding and knew I had not--but I was in shock mom suddenly had declined so much and now saw me in such a light that was unimaginable.  She called the bank too about me.  And calls me names.  

We are waiting to see a neuro to get a firm diagnosis but like you SarahRu10- I do not speak to my brother and am doing this solo.  It is scary and sad and frustrating and I cry so much.  But I know God is always faithful and He will see us through this and I know He led me to this site.

Thank you both and everyone for sharing.

LaurenB

So I'm not in the exact same boat, but I am dealing with a LO who certainly looks like the exact same person that I have known for decades, but isn't.  I've come up with a nickname that I use in my head for the person that is present now.  When my LO is acting strangely, I remember that it is "Manuel" talking to me and not LO.

I also second Mimi Minder's recommendation to reach out to others on this forum.  It's easy!  You can click on the person's name and then select to invite them to your connections or go to the connections and type in the person's name.  Once you are "connected" you are then able to email them through your "inbox."  Don't worry if it takes a few connections to find a friend.  It's so helpful to know that you aren't alone on this journey.

Lauren

GOGO1950

My Wife's MCI Has Progressed   ...She Does Not Want To See Her Doctor Any More   ...The Aricept DOES NOTHING   ...There Has Been A MAJOR SHIIFT   ...How Do I Respond When She Tells Me Something That Is NOT TRUE   ...Like This Morning   ...She Said I Dropped Off Somewhere Last Night   ...She Wants To Know Where It Was, When I Picked Her Up, Etc.    ...Do I Join Her Delusion   ...Do I Tell Her The Truth, Do I Lie   ...???   ...All She Does Is Tell Me To Get Out   ...I've Worked In The Mental Health Field   ...I'm At A Loss   ...Her Reality Is Now Not Real   ...She Is Retired   ...Thinks She Is Still Working, Etc.   I'm Rambling   ...HELP   ...!!!   ...Geo