Dad is being mean to mom, can I do anything?

GingerMay

Hello - My parents are both 83 and living at home. Mom has moderate dementia which has been taking its course getting worse for the past four years but has not been tested. I do not think they want to even get the test. Since mom's abilities have decreased, dad has been taking on more responsibility in addition to what he was already doing. I know this is probably not an unusual situation.    

However, what concerns me is that dad is getting tired and increasingly frustrated at mom. I have repeatedly offered to arrange for help cleaning or meal delivery, but dad refuses. He has even gotten irate and hung up the phone on me. He usually just loudly talks over me saying "We're doing just fine" and changes the subject.    

They seem to be getting their needs met, and dad takes mom once a week to hair and nail appointments. However I just had an upsetting call with mom where she told me my dad is being very mean to her. She has said it before on occasion. But today she said it has never been this bad and all she wants to do is die. I asked for specifics, but mom just said dad is frustrated of taking care of her. I asked how I could help, she just said nothing I can do. 

Mom has told me before that dad is mean to her and they argue all the time. I have seen dad get frustrated, roll his eyes, sigh, and even make stupid comments about why mom cannot remember things. He has not ever stated he knows she has dementia. I said it a few years ago, and he said he did not believe it. Is he in denial, or is this common? I have asked him to be nicer, but it goes in one ear and out the other with a shrug. He refuses my offers to help.   

I feel bad for my dad, but get completely frustrated by his obstinance. Is there anything I can do to ease this situation?  Thanks.  

M1

Hi ginger, what a difficult situation. I wonder if your father is also beginning to have cognitive difficulties too. You may have to face that he can no longer care for your mom independently, and they both may need assisted living and or memory care, respectively It would worry me a lot if your mother is feeling emotionally abused and it's a big red flag that she said something to you, I wouldn't ignore it.  Who has power of attorney? You may need to address that first with an elder care attorney so that you have standing to intervene . Good luck-

star26

I would be careful of trusting everything your Mom says. What you've witnessed yourself can be said about many married couples. Whether your Dad believes she has dementia or not is unlikely to change the frustration and fatigue he sometimes feels when caring for her. This happens even with the best caregivers that have help and are educated about dementia. It's not uncommon that a spouse doesn't want to hire professional help for the home even when others think it's a good idea. It could be money, pride, not wanting strangers in the house, etc. Is it possible that you are nagging your Dad by repeatedly telling him what to do and insinuating or saying outright that he should be doing things differently? It might not be perfect, but he said they're fine and you have no evidence that they are not. Bring some meals over when you can, arrange to take your Mom on outings or to her appointments "because you want to spend time together", and maybe do some cleaning or other tasks when you visit at their home if it can be done without disturbing your Dad. Do research on various resources that are available (adult daycare, home care agencies, respite and memory care facilities, other community programs) so that you are prepared if and when your Dad says he could use some help or there's a sudden change with one of them.

GingerMay

Thanks M1 and Star. I do think my dad is showing some mental decline too, although not as much as my mom and think he might overall be doing better if not for the ongoing fatigue with caregiving. Yes, I also believe he thinks I am ordering him around and am just one more source of irritation when I suggest help. He may also think I disapprove of his decisions or am judgmental. I tell him I think he is doing a good job all the time, but nothing really alleviates the tension I feel from him. I suppose those comments too can come across condescending. So, I just sit on the sidelines to find small  ways I might help without intruding and prepare for an event in which I might need to engage at a moment's notice.

jfkoc

How far away do you live from your parents?