Lost it big time!

Jamaicabound

I am ashamed of myself! My DH, in advanced stage AD, is making me crazy with bathroom issues.  I change bedsheet, clothes and towels at least 3 times a day and night due to urinary issues.  I can deal with that.  Lately, he has been pooping in his depends, refusing to sit on a toilet.  I can deal with that and I have no problem cleaning him up.  The problem is - he won't let me!  He walks around in dirty, poopy pants for hours before he will let me clean him up.

Yesterday, after several attempts to calmly get him clean, I lost my temper big time and started yelling.  I said some mean things and now I feel like a big pile of poop.  Am I the only one to ever blow a fuse?  I hope someone can say something to make me feel like less of a failure as a caregiver.

Quilting brings calm

No you are not the only one.  The only caregivers who haven’t confessed to losing it have still lost it .... they just don’t tell anyone.  

I have repeatedly said on this forum that I cannot do what those of you that are caregivers 24/7 are doing,  my parents are in assisted living.  My Mom is only somewhere between stage 4 and 5. She is now wearing depends  because she’s losing her ability to recognize she needs to head toward the bathroom soon enough.  She’s constantly complaining about itching and burning on the outside ( second doctor appt of the week today). 

My point in that paragraph is that I lose it and I’m not even there 24/7.   She doesn’t remember after a couple hours and I doubt your dad does either.  You are doing the best you can.  You are not perfect.  Stop beating yourself up because you are human.  No one can be around a relative with dementia and be little miss sunshine  all the time. 

manuzito

Jamaicabound, I don’t think there is one single person that could keep a happy disposition being a 24/7 caregiver.  You’re are doing the best that you can under trying circumstances.  I don’t think that I would’ve been able to do what you do so don’t  be hard on yourself and get angry when you need to be.

I had two PWD to care for 24/7. My mom who is 99 y/o and my husband who was 95 when he passed three weeks ago.  My mom is still mobile and takes care of all her needs except showering (no need to yell at her, she only hears what she wants to hear).  

My husband needed help for almost everything and towards the end of his life he began wearing pampers and stayed in his pjs all the time.  I used to get upset with him and raise my voice when he got up to pee several times during the night.  He was so easy to care for and now I think back at the times I was impatient with him and would like to go back in time to do things differently.  We will all feel guilty for one thing or another but after all we’re all dealing with people with damaged brains or other illnesses and I hope we’re doing the best as we know how.

Do you have any outside help?  A break is needed to keep our sanity!

M1

Add me to the list. My partner cleans the house over and over and over, gets up every day saying she has to vacuum today, hasn't been done in weeks. Could be worse, for sure, and it's mostly harmless, except that she's starting to mix up cleaners (like using GooGone instead of Windex) and can't remember where anything is. And not only does she not remember where things are, but she can't process the language I respond with when she asks me where things are, so I'm constantly being interrupted to have to just go show her where it is or get it for her. I heaved a sigh this afternoon when it happened for the umpteenth time, and she burst into tears. Now we both feel terrible.

VKB

You are human like the rest of us.  We all lose it sometimes.  Do not beat yourself up!  The world needs more caring people like you.  I hope you can get some good advice here on how to deal with your husband.  I also hope you get large doses of "me time." Hoping you have relief help so you stay well.  I just prayed for you.  Peace always, Veronica

Suebee2bee

Jamaicabound - I just want to give you a virtual hug and to tell you that many of us here have done the same/ similar/ worse; and it doesn't make us lesser of a caregiver/ child/ spouse; it just means we are flesh and blood at the end of the day! The silver lining is that all will be forgotten by the person with dementia soon enough; but we need to give ourselves grace & truly forgive ourselves. You are doing the best that you can, and for that you deserve all the thanks in the world.

French

I think I would yell for less.

mommyandme (m&m)

Maybe a bedside commode could get him at least that far.  That’s in my back pocket when the need arises. I’d rather clean that then a smudgy smelly dirty bottom. 

I learned quickly that when I lose my calm it only makes things way worse for me because my LO shuts down and then I feel so much worse. So I try to catch myself before that happens which has helped me a lot. Selfish I know but it’s a win win, if there is such a thing dealing with this hella crap.

You are not alone!

Dave Cahail

Try not to be too hard on yourself (sometimes easier than said). We are all human and this is hard for all of us. We all want to do the right thing for our LO even if they don't or can't understand it. I lashed out at my mother twice this because she would call me a dozen times per day to come get her and take her home and not take the advice I was giving her (per the direction of the doctor at the assisted living memory care facility where Mom resides). I hope you use the caregiver consultation services that Alzheimers.org has - I have used it several times as a sanity check for me. I also hope you have a a good support network of family and friends who can lend an ear for you to vent. And even though we all usually get caught up in the incidents of the moment, try to keep the big picture perspective of what is going on and that you are making a difference for your LO.

DisguisedPoser

I asee this was posted several weeks ago, but I just found the site today. Specifically I found it because I was googling resources for caregiver burnout for a very similar situation.

Long story short I've been a live in caretaker for my grandma for about 3 years now. She has dementia and is bedbound so I change her diapers, etc. Like you said it's normally not a big deal. Today she was constipated and she frequently yells as if she's being attacked while she is going potty - which, again, is stressful but old news by now so I mostly can ignore it. However today she was yelling for me to come roll her over (which I already had, a few times) and said "would you hurry up?!" I yelled at her "I'm going as fast as I can!" and immediately felt horrible and started crying.

My point is - you're NOT alone. This is probably not the only time it will happen. It does not make you a bad person. You are doing the best you can. 

I say these things to myself as a mantra most days and it usually helps, but we're only human! 

MiracleSon

Sorry for the late response, but I also just found this site. My momz dementia is driving me crazy... I jus wantd to blow up. Its not her fault, shes so little and frail, and always soo sweet and happy. Had to start searching for helo...in need of assistance. However reading yall responses and learning bout yall struggles wakes me up and gives me perspective. Lets me kno that I dont have it that bad... and reminds me that things can be much worst. I am grateful. Thanks!