Moving My Mom to New Facility and Dad Staying in Assisted Living....worried

KatieH2 · January 2021

Hi there,

If you've read my posts in the past, my journey into the world of Alzheimers has been chaotic. It is about to get a little chaotic (I should say more chaotic) in the next week or so and I am looking for some guidance. My sister and I placed my parents into assisted living at the end of NOvember. My mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimers but was doing pretty well at home, however has hip/mobility issues. My Dad has mobility issues and has some cognitive decline (he is 93....go figure). This being said, since they went into assisted living, my mom has declined rapidly. So many situations and events have occured with her behavioral declined that they reassessed her and have told us she needs full on memory care (not skilled nursing). They have told us my Dad is doing good and he would probably thrive where he is at; as my mom has really been super domineering, mean and sometimes physical with him. He refuses to complain and feel he would be just fine being on his own, thrive, make friends, etc. My mom doesn't let him leave the apartment, often says she doesn't know who he is, tries to kick him out of room, etc. So needless to say, the ordeal has most definitely been horrible for him (although he will never say it and we cannot go to see them b/c of covid). I don't know what guidance I am looking for other than the fact that I am feeling horrible that my Dad is going to be worried sick about my mom going to memory care. Has anyone encountered and dealt with this situation? I am just at a point where I have no clarity in terms of knowing what the right decision is. Do I send him to MC with her, putting them in separate rooms, so he can still see her even though she doesn't know him all the time? In my gut, I feel we need to send mom off to MC on her own and keep my Dad put. But I cannot get my Dad to talk to me on the phone to get his feelings about this and if he did talk, I know he is loyal and dedicated to a fault and would say send me with her.

Maybe I'm just writing this so I can get the feelings out but right now I'm all jumbled up.

Thanks for listening.

ladyzetta · January 2021

Dear Katie,

I am sorry your having to deal with this. What ever you decide to do will be the right thing.

Will they put them both in the same room? My DH was in MC and there was a married couple in a room together. The man had dementia and his wife was to weak to care for him on her own and she also needed help with his care.

He was in a wheel chair and she pushed him to the dinning room for meals and they had a table for 2. She continued to care for her DH the best she could with help from the caregivers. They also had been moved from the AL section. You will do the right thing.

Quilting brings calm · January 2021

Katie... I am interested in how things work out because I will be facing a similar situation at some point. In your case your Dad is suffering at the hands of your Mom, and probably shouldn’t be in a room with her at MC. However I think you could have them in different rooms. Now the issue with that is probably cost. MCs here have single and double occupancy rates. They also have companion rates. So I could put my parents in one room as a patient and companion for cheaper than I could put them in separate double occupancy ( meaning with a roommate). That patient and companion rate would be a little cheaper than leaving one at assisted living and moving the other to memory care. However, you also have the psychological aspect. Is it easier on them to be in separate rooms in the same place or in separate places? Or vice versa? MC is locked down whereas ASL usually aren’t ( pre-Covid).

In my case, my Dad will balk at moving to MC when the time comes to move my Mom. He still thinks he is only in assisted living because Mom needs to be there. He will want nothing to do with MC restrictions and the other patients there. Putting them in two places will eat up their savings sooner than desired.

Cynbar · January 2021

Move your Mom to memory care and let your Dad stay put, at least for the time being. You can always move your Dad later if he is having trouble with the separation. The facility has told you that your mother is being mean and holding your father back --- believe them and their assessment of the situation. Once COVID restrictions are lifted, then your Dad can go visit. Also, staff in both sections will have experience in easing the adjustment. Rely on their expertise, they will know what to do.

abc123 · January 2021

Dear Katie, you have so much going on. I'm so sorry. Please try to find the time to take good care of yourself too! I agree with Cynbar 100%. I think your Dad definitely deserves some time to relax and enjoy the peace and quiet. And your Mom needs that higher level of care. They are fortunate to have a daughter like you.