Mom Demanding to be Taken Home and Calling Frequently is Driving Us Nuts

Dave Cahail

This past week my mother who has early stage vascular dementia has been calling me and my siblings frequently and demanding to be taken home as well as accusing me of putting her in an assisted living memory care facility to die (I am her medical and financial power of attorney). And when I say frequently, dozens of times per day in some cases and calls within minutes of each other. She has always been very manipulative of people including my siblings and me and if she doesn't get her way, she gets mean and will write people off. 

About a week ago, I blocked my mother on my phone but then she started leaving voice mail messages that I would just have to delete. I told my siblings to do the same. My sister and I have gotten so irritated the past few days with all the calls and voice mails that we both have lashed out at our mother and actually mentioned some of her memory lapses to her (we haven't told her she has dementia). We have also told her moving her to this facility was a mutual decision of my siblings and myself and we are all telling her this. I even heard from one of the staff members that she was threatening to write me out of her will unless she gets her way. 

 I have discussed the behavior with the staff and the doctor at the facility where my mother resides so they are aware of this behavior. They have advised us to stay the course in telling my mother that the facility doctor thinks its best that my mother should stay at the facility because she is a major fall risk (in fact she fell in her bathroom yesterday when she tripped on her walker - fortunately she is ok). They have also reminded us not to tell my mother she has memory issues as it will just make her more argumentative which I understand - she has denied having any memory issues anyways. 

Finally yesterday, my siblings and I had enough and I instructed the facility staff to unplug her phone from the wall jack and to tell her that her phone has broke and it will take some time due to COVID to get it repaired. Any white lie to cover up what we are doing. 

I feel a bit bad for her as this is one of few ways she can still connect with the limited number of people she stays in touch with (especially now with COVID) but we are finding it absolutely necessary for our sanity. I also recognize that it is the disease causing her to be so desperate and to act out. I am hoping that a new antidepressant will help chill her out and make her a bit happier rather than telling us what horrible children we are because we won't do what she wants. 

Has anyone else had to do something similar for their LO? How did you handle it? How did your LO react?

terei

Your situation with your mother is by no means unique.   Read through some of the other posts + you will see that this happens more often than not when LOs are placed.  You did exactly the right thing by disabling the phone.

Dont feel bad.  Look at it rationally:  every time she is allowed to call, make demands, get herself agitated, this is not only upsetting to you but also to her...over + over again throughout the day.      It is easily solved, as you found.

If there are activities that are still available to her(some are not due to covid), make sure she is escorted to every single one to attempt to keep her occupied.  Her ‘not wanting to go’ is not an option.       After she is at the activity, she should be free to leave, but she should initially be there.

My mom did not use a phone unless WE called her, which we did at least once a day.  She did not have to contact us throughout the day.  If there is an issue, the facility will call.  Being able to contact you at any time she wants is completely unnecessary + all it serves is to remind her of her grievances about her circumstances.    At some point, she will not be able to figure out how to use the phone, which is sometimes a blessing in disguise.

dayn2nite2

Don't put too much hope in that antidepressant.  If she was manipulative and bullying before, dementia would only magnify that behavior.

Why didn't you have them just take the phone out totally?  It remaining there unplugged just reminds her the phone is broken.

Tell them to remove the phone to send it off for repairs or whatever.  

By trying to take these miniscule steps you are not helping her adjust.  Rip the Band-Aid off and get rid of the phone.

KPete

My dad was admitted to a skilled nursing facility in July 2020. He has been calling my mom nearly every day asking, demanding and wanting to come home. Yesterday he called me and asked me what I was doing tomorrow. Then he said, "I need to get a ride home", "I need to go home".  I told him I didn't think I could make it.  He is 3.5 hours away from me. I can't take him home because right before he was admitted to the facility, he fell along with my mom and she broke her hip.  Now she is no longer able to care for him. When he called Mom today, he said we don't love him any more.  My heart is breaking.....

dayn2nite2

I understand that you are upset, but you have to keep remembering that he is no longer safe to live at home and your mother cannot assure his safety.  If he has a phone in his room, my advice is the same as Dave's - take the phone out.  He needs to depend on staff and as long as he has a phone, he will repeatedly call and not depend on the people who are supposed to care for him.

Suebee2bee

We have not given my mom her own phone at MC because of this exact issue; and I know that I can't handle the non stop abuse (although I keep reminding myself that it's her disease that is mean and verbally abusive to me; I still feel horrible because - she's still my mom!). My brother and I switch take turns dealing with her; and we try to keep it to one call per day. And yes if it's something important; or if there is a genuine request (like please bring me some books etc); then the staff will connect with us directly. Otherwise, once a day is what we can manage and it's OK to not burn out!

​NorthWoods

You are not alone. My DH had a cell phone and did the same thing. He called me multiple times a day and if I didn’t answer he would call friends for a”a ride”. His phone magically broke and he has to ask the staff to make calls for him.  Excellent solution. 

As for wanting to come home, 3 years in and it is still constant.  I have some success with 1) telling him he needs to discuss it with the doctor as it is there call, and 2) with covid, no one is allowed to go anywhere.   But I’m sorry to say that nothing works all of the time. It’s tiresome and quilt inducing. 

Sorry I don’t have a any good answers but do what you need to do for you.

windyshores

My mother calls me many times a day and wants to live with me (she is in assisted living). I tell her I am looking at apartments for us, then she forgets and asks again the next day.

Can you just tell her that after she tries the place, she can decide whether to stay? Won't that bring some temporary comfort and then she will forget what you said?

leaiii

I am new to the group and am grateful to have found this! I am dealing with the same thing with my Mom who is in a Memory Care facility about an hour away. She doesn't get mean she just won't accept any explanation sometimes. Usually after I explain things to her she usually backs off and understands but lately that doesn't seem to work. The past two days have been rough with 5-6 calls throughout the day asking me to pick her up. She says she can't do this any more. It is awful. I asked the attending physician and main nurse at the MC facility to please give her something for sundowners (she is very lucid in the morning). They won't give her anything to relax her as they worry that she will fall and I understand that. I called her neurologist and they out her on Zoloft but its only been about 10 days so too soon to tell if it will help. To me and my brothers, it seems like a form of suffering for her as she thinks she is in a hotel and needs to get out of there and go home. She is panicked every night. I too have told her that I couldn't do anything about getting her that night, but would call her in the morning and we could decide something then and she usually calms down. I know she won't remember the next day but I hate lying to her. I guess it's the best thing to do from what I have read on here. I am grateful to have found this group to read about other experiences and while I am very sorry for everyone who has to deal with this horrible disease, I am glad there are people out there who understand. Has anyone had any luck with other types of medications or is this pretty much the way it is? My Mom is a mild mannered, sweet lady so am hoping the Zoloft will help... 

Thanks for "listening"