Sick and tired and feeling guilty

RobOT

I am feeling terrible.  From the time I was a small child my father has always had a liking for telling "off color" stories, usually ending with women exposing themselves to him or having sex with multiple men.  He is always blameless in these tall tales.  Now that his filters are damaged, he does this all the time.  He has been asked to not come back to several places, including his dentist's office.  When he starts this stuff I try to distract him, I tell him I don't want to hear dirty stories, and I have just walked out on him.  For decades I dealt with this kind of thing from patients with dementia, and to say I'm sick of it doesn't come CLOSE to how I feel.  Tonight he started some confabulatory story about being on the TV show that was on (Chopped, a cooking show) and was just swinging into how the female chefs had been misbehaving.  I shouted at him from the kitchen, saying "Right that's how all the women act!"  He actually stopped talking, then very pleasantly announced he was going to bed.  I hate that I lost my temper, I hate that I made him feel bad, and I hate that he does this and never backs down unless somebody makes a huge fuss about it.  I really hate that I can't blame him for this behavior because he's sick.  This is just a rant, and he won't remember in the morning.  I probably won't raise my voice again for another month, and I'll be shouting "Watch out for that..."  But I still feel mean and guilty and I won't sleep tonight. Thanks for listening.

star26

I feel for you RobOT. My Dad has similar issues and I can totally understand not being able to take it anymore. When my Dad pinched his physical therapist's butt, she called him a dirty old man to his face. When he referred to black people on TV using the N-word along with other awful comments while sitting next to his caregiver, she used strong words to tell him what she thought about his comments and people that talk like that and told him not to talk like that around her. Another caregiver that would get sexual comments from him would cut him right off as soon as she thought something was going south and loudly say "Be careful!"or something like that to remind him that was off limits with her. When I just couldn't swallow it any more I've told him that he's ignorant, rude, what I think about his views of women and others etc., and that no daughter wants to hear about sexual escapades from her father. And I've strongly told him that I don't want to hear certain words. Unfortunately he doesn't listen to me, but interestingly he does remember. He now prefaces the forbidden words with "I'm not supposed to say this...".  Please give yourself a break RobOT! It's rough to live with this particular issue!

M1

Don't beat yourself up RobOT....I can only imagine how hard and unpleasant that is to listen to, even though you know it's irrational.

RobOT

Thanks, you two.  I just needed to hear friendly voices.

harshedbuzz

I'm sorry Rob.

It's hard to accept the notion of it's the disease talking when you've heard the same script since childhood. BTDT. I'm sorry, it's likely dad will have forgotten and moved on this morning. You should, too.

I was fortunate that dad typically spent any time with medical professionals angling to get his drivers license back, but he was the quintessential dirty old man with servers and others in public facing positions. Worse, dad was the protagonist of his lurid tales a few of which were illegal.

HB

Quilting brings calm

robOT

The choice of topic for his rants isn’t the disease talking in my opinion, although the situations in which he now brings the topic up may be. You yourself said he has been saying this stuff since you were a child.  His filter that kept him from saying in places like the dentist’s office is now gone.  Are you willing to have the doctor medicate him? Would it help?

I also feel that you should try to stop feeling guilty.  It’s obviously not just you that is frustrated, embarrassed and unwilling to put up with it( referring to the dentists office for example). You are a human being,  not a robot.

Those of us that are dealing with different ( less offensive))types of behaviors from our LO are right there with you in the sick and tired line. 

LicketyGlitz

Sorry, RobOT, I'd prolly have reacted the same way, and prolly feel the same level of guilt, but neither one of us deserves to beat ourselves up (even though we do).

Does it help to remember that YOU are the one who has showed up to help your dad to the end of his life? And like every other really difficult path, sometimes a little yelling is a part of the journey when you're shouldering a heavy load.

I believe in you. You got this.

RobOT

Thanks all, appreciate the support.

Wilted Daughter

Dealing with your parent's hypersexuality is a tough one. One article that discusses this issue is 'Treatment of Inappropriate Sexual Behavior in Dementia'

doi: 10.1007/s11940-016-0425-2

Mom was renting movies on demand (pay for view) to the tune of hundreds of dollars a month. I never understood why her bill was over $500 for one month. When it all came out services were cancelled by one provider and I had to remove certain channels/add a code for pay for view with new provider...a nightmare. When I hinted that services were cancelled and bills were high due to rented movies, she clapped back that was not the reason. 

Apparently hypersexuality is not uncommon in dementia patients and to compound that with personality traits is a perfect recipes for unwanted, hard to control behaviors.

You should not feel badly about unwanted behaviors and your responses to them. Dad may feel badly for a while, but will surely get over it. It will leave more of a lasting impression on you than on him. 

Caregiver Strong!