Need help. I am new here.

Kristib535

Hi,

So glad I found this website. There is so much to say so I will try to keep it short:

- my mom has memory issues, I think they have gotten worse since COVID 

- we can't figure out how to get her to stop driving

- she is driving without a license, she lost it

- she also lost her credit cards. I believe all of these things are somewhere in her house bc they have not been used (I called the credit card company)

- she forgot to pay her electric bill and her power was cut off

- she goes out all the time despite COVID to run errands.

- my sisters and I have taken her to the dr. she was diagnosed with mild memory disorder but they would not tell her that she couldn't drive. There is something wrong, it's much more than memory loss. There is a lot of confusion.....

- she can't remember how to play her favorite card games. We played UNO last weekend and it was challenging

- she talks around and around in circles and it often doesn't make sense

- she can't remember her grandchildren's names

-I have two sisters who are very supportive and we are all on the same page but I am the only one who lives in the same city as her.

- We are worried about her driving and living alone.

- we have talked to her about it but she gets very upset.

- there are so many things that I need to do but I don't know where to begin. I am currently trying to get all of her bills emailed to me so I can remind her to pay them. I am also trying to get her bank accounts in my name (which I have mostly done) She doesn't have a will or POA so I am working on that. I don't know if her house is paid off or not and I have no way to try to find that out.

- I am trying to put a tracker on her phone but her phone is so old that I can't add the updated software.

There is so much more but this is enough for now.

- I am in therapy!!!

Any suggestions would be so appreciated.....what are the most important things to take care of right now? How can I get my mom to agree to move? how can I stop her from driving? I wanted the dr. to tell her she couldn't drive but they wouldn't do that. She had a neuro psych and whatever that paper and pencil testing is but she somehow passed enough so that they were not as concerned as my sisters and I are.....

Thank you so much

Quilting brings calm

Pick up a book called the 36 Hour Day.

Taken short video clip of your mom when she seems confused.  Send it to her doctor.

Did she have her license pulled by the state or did she misplace it?  If the state took it, tell her that her car insurance is void if she drives without a license.  Sometime  when she isn’t watching, unhook a battery cable.  If your name is on bank accounts, set up online banking.  You can then look back thru several  months and see if she’s been writing checks to a mortgage company or bank. If you can find a copy of her hone insurance policy. It should show a leinholder if she still has a mortgage. 

Start researching independent or assisted living places.she probably needs assisted living, but might be  persuaded  to move sooner if you go independent living.  Talk up the companionship, meals,  and housecleaning services available there. 

Iris L.

Welcome Kristib.  Your mom has had an incomplete evaluation for memory loss.  There might be a reversible, medical cause for her memory loss.  If no medical cause is found,  the diagnosis may be Alzheimer's Disease.  It is obvious that your mom cannot handle her life and she is not safe.  In the meantime of getting more medical information and a diagnosis, you will have to take charge.  Take charge of driving, take charge of bill paying, take charge of home safety.  Pay attention to use of the stove and cooking, among other things.  Pay close attention to suggestions from the members.  Your mom seems to have anosognosia, which causes her not to be aware of her limitations.  

Iris L.

star26

You have a lot to do but step by step you can get on top of it all. This forum can provide lots of help with all the issues you listed. 

Read the recent post titled “Mom's forgotten diagnosis”. There’s many other posts on this issue but the advice is basically the same. This will give you an idea of how you will go about communications with your Mom to avoid arguments and lower the stress level. Stop discussing your concerns with her. Just figure out what needs to be done for her wellbeing and safety and do it with the tips you can find here. A search for "driving" and "denial" may also bring up a bunch of other threads similar to yours.  

Regarding the possible mortgage, the county recorder’s office will have the recorded deed and release of mortgage if there is one. It’s public record and available to you or a title company upon request. You need the property identification number. This is the number that's used on her property tax bills (hopefully she’s paying the taxes and insurance). If you can’t get it from her files they probably can look it up for you. If you do get into her paper files you may just come across the mortgage information there, even just a company name and account number and you can call them. You may also find many other eye-openers and horrors in her paperwork. That’s what happened with me. In my experience, what we observe is just the tip of the iceberg. 

I have the same question as Quilting: Can she not find her license or does she no longer have a valid license? In either case, she can’t get in the car and drive. Don't help her get a new license if she's not safe to drive. My Dad no longer had a valid license because he didn’t pay the renewal and then failed the test, repeatedly. He drove anyway. (Until I discovered the situation and that he wasn't safe.) I know this battle. Bottom line is that if she’s not safe to drive according to what you’ve observed, remove the car or do something to it so that it won’t work if you don’t think she’s capable of calling someone to repair it. Example: “Mom, I have to borrow your car because of XYZ…” “Mom, I had a fender bender/the car broke down. I’m so sorry. It’s in a repair shop but there’s a long waiting list due to Covid…I’ll do your shopping for you and drive you to your appointments until it gets fixed.” 

POA needs to be done pronto. You want a Durable POA, not springing. One for finances and another for healthcare. Get it from an estate attorney or elder care attorney. It's also a big help to get a HIPAA release that you can use with everyone, so that you can discuss her health with all of her providers and she doesn't have to sign an authorization at each office. Good job getting all the mail sent to you and the accounts in your name. Your goal is to pay the bills yourself, not remind her to pay them. There are tips here for how to get your Mom in the office and signing the paperwork. One is to say you are getting your own affairs in order and if she does the same you will get a special deal or it will be easier... 

Come up with your plan of how and where she is going to live safely. 24/7 care in her home? Living with family? Living in a facility? Then assess the finances to see what she can afford. The elder care attorney can talk with you about the possibility of using Medicaid for future care in a facility if needed.  Even if your plan is to have her live at home with family, it’s still a good idea to get familiar with memory care and skilled nursing facilities in your area and determine which places you are comfortable with just in case it’s needed in a crisis situation and also so you can feel good about a plan B/C. 

Hang in there! Post often and you'll find lots of help and support. My Dad's situation was a scary mess but I did get to the other side of it. The sooner you act the better. 

Emily 123

Hi Kristi,

Your physician should have checked your mom for a UTI as well as her thyroid levels (the labwork would be called TSH, T3, T4). If she has AD, she might benefit from Aricept-further testing can narrow down the diagnosis.

You're where I was this past April. My Mom had a geripsych consult and is 'mild, probable AD', but she's a solid late stage 4. 

If your mom's doctor or health system offers online chart access and your mom's not signed up, it saves a lot of time, plus you can see the notes and lab results.  Given your Mom's reluctance to discuss things you might be able to enlist your doctor's help in getting her to think about her advance directives (living will) during another office visit. A lot of times they have the paperwork there or it's available online at the health system website. 

Some states offer a standard POA form online at the state website, which could tide you over until you get a chance to see an eldercare attorney.

If your Mom is still getting (and misplacing) her mail don't forget that tax statements should be coming out soon. You can set up an online account for her at the IRS website. You can find the local field office's # online to call and change the mailing address. Think about farming out the taxes to someone if you don't want that on your plate. Maybe one of your sisters would take it on.

Medical Insurance: Update contact information (your email, phone) with them. Send them a copy of the POA if you think of it.

If she uses Medicare you might want to call them and make sure that she's set for the coming year.

You're doing great!  I'm glad you have your sisters to help.  Don't forget to work out some kind of plan so that you get some time away. 

 It's so hard to not get frustrated. This was linked here when I first was lurking and it helped me so much (I re-read it from time to time):  http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf

I also like how this lady presents the stages-here's stage 4, but they're all online.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg

Best wishes,

Jgiles9289

I’m sorry you have to handle this-it’s absolutely no fun at all. My mother was diagnosed with dementia approx 4 yrs ago although I saw signs for 2+ yrs before that.  The most impt thing to realize is it’s a complete roller coaster and you have to be prepared to take the hills and dips on this ride. You’ve started with impt things regarding getting your name on financials. A POA is a major thing if you can swing it-it makes it so much easier to get involved and take over. Medically, it would also be good( if she can/will) to have your mom approve for you to have access so you can speak with doctors. I second the suggestion of the 36 hour day-I read it cover to cover when I first figured out my mom had dementia  

A slightly different situation-I had managed to get my mom to move  into independent living in a senior community where I knew memory care would be down the road for her. She was still driving at the time. A few months in, she was showing it was no longer safe for her to drive and one night she was causing some issues in the parking lot so the facility detached the car battery. I towed the car and told  my mom it was at the shop for repairs. I just kept telling her that for a while and eventually she forgot about it. It may not work for you, but it’s a suggestion anyway.  Before that, when she was still driving, I invested in a tracker that I put in her car so I could track where she was. It allowed me to see in real time where she was and also review her movements throughout the day.  

I hope this helps 

harshedbuzz

Kristib535 wrote:

Hi,

So glad I found this website. There is so much to say so I will try to keep it short:

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. This is a difficult situation indeed. It sounds like mom lives alone which may no longer be prudent.

A lot of folks recommend "The 24Hour Day"; it's a good book but a lot. I always suggest people start with this instead as it offers insight into how their LO's mind and thinking have shifted which makes it easier to anticipate and empathize and meet them where they are.

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

My thoughts:

- my mom has memory issues, I think they have gotten worse since COVID 

It is possible the limited social interaction under COVID protocols has exacerbated your mom's presentation. But it's also possible your mom's cognition would have declined noticeably in the 10 months or so without a global pandemic. 

- we can't figure out how to get her to stop driving

- she is driving without a license, she lost it

A lot of people focus on the license or the keys as in "we have to take away mom's keys". At the end of the day, you need to take the car away. Dementia is about so much more that just memory, it impacts reasoning, executive functioning and higher order thinking. Best to disappear the car under some pretense. It's hard to believe, but eventually "out of sight" will become "out of mind". Perhaps you take it in for a "recall" or "safety inspection" and tell her it's waiting for a part that's back ordered from China because of COVID. Rinse and repeat. If she gets upset, validate her frustration and offer to drive or get her what she needs.  

- she also lost her credit cards. I believe all of these things are somewhere in her house bc they have not been used (I called the credit card company)

One behavior common to the midstages of dementia is a kind of hunting gathering stage where the PWD puts things they deem important away for safekeeping and then forgets where that is. Since these are credit cards, I would call the companies and have them reissued for one of you to have if needed and I would put a freeze on her credit with the big 3 credit reporting companies just in case.

- she forgot to pay her electric bill and her power was cut off

Ugh. She's probably going to need to move- or have one of you move in- but until then, either someone takes over the bills with her or put them on auto-payment. You could present this to her as something required by the utility companies now. 

- she goes out all the time despite COVID to run errands.

This is a problem. It doesn't sound as if your mom should be out on her own. You are probably looking at a day program, someone moving in with her or her moving her to a place where there is supervision. 

- my sisters and I have taken her to the dr. she was diagnosed with mild memory disorder but they would not tell her that she couldn't drive. There is something wrong, it's much more than memory loss. There is a lot of confusion.....

Was she seen by a neurology specialist or at a memory clinic? Diagnosing dementia is somewhat out of the wheelhouse of a PCP. Plus, there's the issue of the long term family physician giving a fatal diagnosis to a patient. Most hedge their bets unless the individual is very old. Ideally a multidisciplinary approach is taken at a memory clinic. 

That said, some PWD can "showtime" during appointments or have significant cognitive reserves that can make them seem less impaired to clinicians during appointments. My dad did this in spades which made it hard to get doctors to see what we were seeing. Once, less than a year before he died, dad took a MMSE and scored average for his age/education level. This surprised his doctor and we heard all about how brilliant dad was- from dad- in the elevator down to the valet parking where dad wandered off and climbed into a car with a random little old lady while I turned in our ticket. I have sent dad's geriatric psychiatrist short video clips of dad's behaviors at home to give him a sense of what we were up against. 

TLR If she hasn't been seen by a neurologist who specializes in dementia, I would make that happen. FWIW, dad's neurologist was very proactive on the driving thing which allowed us to enforce it while validating his feelings of loss.

- she can't remember how to play her favorite card games. We played UNO last weekend and it was challenging

- she talks around and around in circles and it often doesn't make sense

- she can't remember her grandchildren's names

I'm no doctor, but this sounds like more than MCI to my ear. Dad lost the ability to play cards in the earlyish middle stages- first it was a neighbor who accused him of cheating at euchre, then he struggled poker and even gin rummy with my mother.

Dad was very confused. He had a lot of confabulated stories where the incident happened but he had the details all wrong. He also had delusions (false beliefs) that made no sense at all and were hard to follow. Sometimes he kind of time-traveled and you'd need to context of the year to understand what he was going on about. 

My dad remembered his grandchildrens' names until the end, but he routinely referred to my husband of 35 years as "the guy Harshed is shacking up with". That said, he once confused a picture of his urologist (who is Japanese-American) and my son who is a dead ringer for Ed Sheeran. He was confused about how many kids he had and who their moms were believing his brother's son was really his and that he had my only sister with his sister. 

-I have two sisters who are very supportive and we are all on the same page but I am the only one who lives in the same city as her.

Sounds like you are going to have to do the bulk of the heavy lifting. 

- We are worried about her driving and living alone.

You should be. If she has an accident with dementia, she could be sued and lose everything if her insurance refuses to cover her. Imagine your mom deposed as she is now- or worse in a year because these sorts of things take time. You need all her assets going forward to provide care. 

- we have talked to her about it but she gets very upset.

Stop talking. If your mom can't play Uno, she no longer has the bandwidth to follow a reasoned argument for why she needs you to step in and make decisions on her behalf. Also, as you do take over and dementia takes over your life, don't expect gratitude for your efforts at caregiving. 

- there are so many things that I need to do but I don't know where to begin. I am currently trying to get all of her bills emailed to me so I can remind her to pay them. I am also trying to get her bank accounts in my name (which I have mostly done) She doesn't have a will or POA so I am working on that. I don't know if her house is paid off or not and I have no way to try to find that out.

See if you can get an appointment with a certified elder law attorney- CELA. These professionals know how to sell the concept of signing a POA to a PWD or MCI. Just alert them when you make the appointment. Also, it's a good time to talk about Medicaid planning if your mom's assets are not unlimited. 

- I am trying to put a tracker on her phone but her phone is so old that I can't add the updated software.

Electronic devices do not take the place of supervision if things have gotten to that point. 

There is so much more but this is enough for now.

- I am in therapy!!!

This is a great idea. If you can add a IRL ALZ support group, even better.

Any suggestions would be so appreciated.....what are the most important things to take care of right now?

The legal piece which will enable you to oversee her medical care, protect her assets and act on her behalf to keep her safe is job one.

Disappear the car today by "taking it to the shop". 

Make the appointment at the top medical center memory care clinic for a second appointment. This could take months.

I would also advise you to come up with a ruse to spend a couple of days/nights at her home and really observe what's going on. If you're like most local children, you're seeing her during the time of day when she's likely at her best.  

Come up with a Plan B. Which SNF/rehabs would be your top choice if she had a qualifying hospitalization. If she's not safe home alone, will you need to bring in help, move her in with you or tour MCFs- interview these and/or make any changes to your home necessary for her to live there. Figure out who will take over for you if you no longer can be primary caregiver or need respite. 

How can I get my mom to agree to move?

You don't. It's like the Nike slogan- "just do it". Many family create a fiblet about a broken sewer line or termite infestation that makes her home uninhabitable for a time while she moves in with you or goes to "this lovely senior hotel" while the work is done. I moved my dad into a MCF by presenting it as a doctor's appointment and the doctor prescribing a stay at the fancy rehab clinic. 

how can I stop her from driving?

You take the car away.

I wanted the dr. to tell her she couldn't drive but they wouldn't do that.

That bites.

She had a neuro psych and whatever that paper and pencil testing is but she somehow passed enough so that they were not as concerned as my sisters and I are.....

Ugh. You know best. If it's been several months, she might do worse or she might be good at taking tests but not so much at the IADLs needed to live independently. There's also the option for having her driving evaluated by a specially train OT who can further advise you. That said, this testing runs about $500 out-of-pocket and you'd still need to be vigilant around when she would need to stop if she passed testing initially. 

Thank you so much

IsmaelBednar

I see your condition and situation. I suggest you should contact essaywriter.org as they might be able to help. If it fails then I can not think of any other help you might be able to get.

CarolynATL

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  I know it can feel like the weight of the world is hanging on you.  It can all be so overwhelming.  Others have given you great suggestions, and I want to add that you don't have to do this alone.  Do what you can, one step at a time.  My dad's health plan had a social worker that gave me a huge packet of resources.  Check with her doctor to see if they offer some help.  The highest priority is health & safety - making sure to get the right diagnosis and creating a safe environment at home.  Getting the POA will make handling bills/financial much easier.  Best wishes to you.

windyshores

I'm only going to address the driving. Please don't wait for an accident or for someone else to get hurt.  I took my mother to a rehab for a driving evaluation. I told her that people over a certain age have to do this and that the test might prove she could still drive.  She failed miserably.  The rehab eval included cognitive testing and on the road testing.  For a month she ranted about suing them. Make sure to get rid of the car because as long as it is in the driveway, it will trigger her.

If this kind of evaluation isn't possible, the police may be a resource.

Ginsamae

You commented that you have sisters but that you are the only one who lives close. DH and I were in (sort of) the same situation - he has 5 other siblings but we were the closest to his mother - and we were 8 hours away. We ended up "inviting" his mother to come 'visit' us for as long as she wanted and managed to keep her here until her lease expired. At that point we moved her out of her apartment and in with us.  

It is stressful to be the primary caregiver, especially when there are other siblings. We ended up working out a 'share the care' situation with a couple of DH's siblings so that we could get some much needed time off to relax, destress, and possibly vacation. This also gives his siblings a chance to see what we are up against and they have become more understanding of us and less believing of her when she texts/calls them about injustices we've supposedly committed against her (such as me telling her that I'm increasing her rent or charging her extra if she eats with us, that I 'threw' her out of our house when she went visiting one of her children, etc). 

Quit having conversations with your mother about her memory issues. Do what YOU think is best for her and if she gets mad, so what! You aren't doing 'mean' things to her to hurt her but to help her. The small blessing is that she will eventually forget.