If the shoe were on the other foot

Wilted Daughter

If I was the mom and my mother was the daughter (shoe on the other foot) I am certain that she would not take care of me. She would tell me not to be in denial and put me in a home as soon as possible. 

Anything I do is met with contention, nothing that I do is right. I feel as if there is no love loss between us. She has always been the most important thing in her life, but now that I'm here trying to take care of her and keep myself physically, mentally strong there is no denying. 

Mom feels entitled and demands to be obeyed even when it doesn't make sense. The confabulations or outright lies, nasty gossip, bitterness, and vengeful mindset is something I try to stay away from in any situation. Having to stay in the same space with someone who exhibits these behaviors more often than not is a test to my longsuffering, which I don't know if I pass. 

KOTR

SAME! I am dealing with these same issues. I don't have any pearls of wisdom as my post above yours echoes the same heartbreak. I can say though - you are not alone. None of this is easy. None of this is fair or right. I just had a cup of tea and a good cry. It helps sometimes.

SQBEAR50

I haven't talked to my mother in years (she does not have dementia) she was/is abusive. I told my younger brother (only sibling) years ago that I would not take care of her, ever!  I have no guilt.

Nicole

Wilted Daughter

Today is one of those days...

Thank you so much for responding. Sometimes I feel badly about talking to the negative.

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Quilting brings calm

You’ve hit on one of the reasons my parents are in assisted living. I have several reasons but one is the fact that I cannot stand to be around them more than what is necessary.   I’m in my 60s and that feeling has not changed over the course of my lifetime.There’s no shame in admitting that everyone would be  happier if they lived some other than with you.My parents have enough money to last several years in ASL, fewer if one has to go to MC or a nursing home.  They are both over 80 and I have made my peace with the idea that one or both may end up on Medicaid.

Cynbar

Wilted, this is no way to live. You don't owe your mother the unhappy situation you seem to be in, just so she can stay out of a facility. You do (probably) owe her a plan where she will be safe and well cared for, but it definitely doesn't have to be with you as caregiver. Many, many posters here have found that they can't take care of their LO until end of life, and there is no shame in that. Your life matters too, and you deserve to continue to live that life in a way that you can feel content and even happy. Please, start thinking of another living arrangement for your mother. You'll need to work on the financial and legal matters, then you'll have to find a facility. It won't happen overnight, but you should feel better once you start working on it. Your greatest gift to her will be doing your research and choosing a safe, well run place. Good luck, your life doesn't have to be this unhappy. Some times in life, venting isn't enough.

dayn2nite2

Whether she treats you well or not, there is nothing wrong with placement.  In fact, many people become a lot more pleasant when your "warden" title is removed and you become a family member again.  If not, well you can visit sometimes and leave when she gets ugly again.

Placement is not a fate worse than death and nobody is entitled to a caregiver.

Ginsamae

While I can't say that I can understand your situation, I can say with 100% honesty that caring for my MIL has been an energy-sapping, emotional drain. I had always felt that she and I had had a good relationship during my marriage to her son, but in the last 6 months she's been telling stories about how I'm doing/saying horrible things to and about her none of which are true. I don't know if she's always harbored ill thoughts toward me and the disease is bringing them out or if these are confabulations and hallucinations caused by the disease. Fortunately my DH has managed to work out a 'share the care' situation with some of his siblings...I'm not sure how long it will last, but it's been an emotional and mental break for me during the times she's gone.

Jmeidinger

WD I can tell you from the other side of the coin ...

My mother was my best friend for the first 30 years of my life.

And I have still had days when I just want to give her half a bottle of brandy just to get some peace.   Obviously I don't that would be terrible.  I'm just saying ... even those of us who had good relationships with their parents struggle with this. 

After dealing with this first hand, I have told my kids if I start having signs ... put me in a home.  Odds are with my nomad tendencies I'll just wake up every day thinking I'm in a hotel in a different town and it'll be like paradise for me.

I am happy to do this for my mom.  But at the same time I wouldn't wish going through this on anyone and it has cemented my insistence that my kids never try to shoulder this burden.   
You're the only one who can answer whether you're doing the right thing for yourself.  But just make sure you're taking care of your own mental health too.  Kind of like an airplane emergency.  Gotta take care of yourself before you can help others. 

Good luck and take care. 

kmczarra

I agree that there is no shame in assisted living.  I tried to take care of my mom with early stage AZ in my home with a "safety partner" for the past 4 months.  I work full time and have an hour commute each way.  My mom complained about the safety partner, and was always asking me for something to do. She also kept begging me to go back to her home (it was NOT a safe option) in a more urban area.  She constantly complained about my hometown, rural but not backwater by any means.  She fell down the steps on day; even with the caregiver present.  I was a mess (and still am to some extent) and had to do something.  My spouse and I got her agree to try a very nice facility close to my home.  We moved her in last week.  It is still very difficult for her and she is complaining still.  This is normal but I know in my heart it is the safest and best option for her.

Please know that you are not alone and you should never feel guilty for getting help or needing break.  It is emotionally exhausting and it is a grieving process losing the personality of a family member.  If you do move her to a AL facility, keep in mind that it will be very difficult (especially during COVID with the restrictions).  However, in the long run, you will be able to enjoy your loved on much more instead of resenting caring for them in your home.  

kmczarra

My mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's.  How do others explain to their LO about their disease?  My mom is so upset about going into AL but I just could not provide the level of care she needed in my home.  She just moved in but cannot understand why she needs to be there.  It is so frustrating.  I understand that she is in denial/anger stage.  I am having trouble finding the right words.

Tross760

I feel similar in a way. My parents and their siblings put  my grandparents (all three)  in homes, but then I am “expected” to care for my folks  myself. It makes me really resentful and burnt out very quickly. I try to keep my patience. In the meantime, caring for dad at his home who can’t drive or do anything and working full time as well as trying to support autistic son in jr college. I try so hard not to go to the dark side and get angry every day.

kmczarra

Tross, Wow, you are really going through a lot!  Trying to support an autistic son in college is enough to have on your plate alone!    I can really relate to your feelings of anger.  I have never considered myself an angry person.  However, when my siblings were questioning my decisions about AL a year ago, I was so resentful. I know that it must really hurt to be criticised when you are trying your best every day.  I finally got POA and Healthcare agent for my mom (just in time before she got her diagnosis of AZ) and took charge.  I no longer asked for permission from anyone, I told my mom she had to choose an AL facility and made her part of the decision as to which one near my home.  My siblings eventually got on board. They were still somewhat  in denial about it but helped her move in.    I was trying to care for my mom while working full time and it just got to be too much.  You even have more on you than I do.  I have been going to a therapist just deal with all of this; the family contention, my mom's decline, caregiving, etc.  It has really helped me to be more assertive and make better decisions.  The anger really eats you up if you don't learn to manage it.  I am still working hard on this but I am making progress.

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landerson

landerson To anyone who might be able to help, I''m super upset today and would love support from anyone who might have experienced something similar and can provide advice. Here''s the background in a nutshell:

- I and the daughter of mother who lives two states away from my 85 year old mom who was diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia in June 2019. Since a major medical procedure in October, her dementia is markedly increased.
- I have one sibling, a brother, who lives ten minutes from her but is verbally abusive, gets agitated and super offended by nearly everything and he and Mom are like oil and water - lots of yelling. They have a very limited relationship, which in some ways is good.
- About 2 years ago she allowed me to manage her finances and thank-goodness because she had totally screwed them up - might have even lost her home or had her utilities turned off
- She denies her dementia. Gets really angry whenever it''s brought up. Repeats everything constantly. However, I patiently listen most of the time and have been able to maintain her trust.
- She adamantly refuses help, won''t consider more than one "caregiver" whom she calls a "driver" who once per week fills an automatic medicine dispenser, picks up her mail from the post office and picks up a few things
- There is so much more I could say about spoiled food, cluttered house, not caring for her body (bathing, etc.), but it would bog this down too much
- Here''s my big issue today. The expensive medicine dispenser, which holds 28 doses (14 days) and is connected to a phone line to alert of dispensing, missed doses, etc., she has refused to use. She is super confused, frustrated and angry about this machine, which literally is saving her life. She wants to "do things the way I always have" which means all meds are at her home, sorted by her, etc. This DOES NOT WORK and I and others have seen her almost overdose, seen piles of meds left on counter not taken. She blames the machine. It''s not the machine but there is no convincing her of this. I have had the extra meds removed from her house to protect her. She has plenty of on-time doses in the dispenser and all she has to do it take the meds when the machine lights up and blinks.
- She is demanding to do things her way (which will surely lead to OD''s or worse), and calls me all sorts of things when I explain why we need to adapt to her changing needs due to her memory issues.
- Any advice? I want so much for my mom to be able to continue living alone, but she is her own worst enemy. She has become super paranoid and distrustful of everyone. HELP! I am at my wits end.

Cynbar

My goodness, landerson, you certainly have a lot going on! You may want to start your own topic, your post will get more attention than tucked within an existing thread. You can do this by clicking on the tab near the top back on the Caregivers Forum home page. But I'll start you off with a few comments.

One of the biggest hurdles for caregivers is to realize that they can no longer reason with their loved one. It won't work, and usually leads to anger on their part and frustration on yours. I suggest you stop reminding your mother of her memory problems and using that as the reason for changes. She can't process this, her brain isn't working right. A better way is to redirect her when possible, and make up excuses (we call them fiblets) to try and get her to do what needs to be done. This is major adjustment in your thinking, I know --- most of us here have been through it. As for the medicine dispenser, try and think of something to tell her that she would respond to ------ possibly the doctor has ordered it, or her insurance requires it. You know her better than we do. If you want more caregivers in there, arrange them yourself and think up some excuse she will buy. If you ask for suggestions here, I'm sure other posters will be happy to chime in.

I know you don't want to hear this, but it does sound like she shouldn't be living alone. Plus, dementia is a progressive disease and she will get worse. Now is the time to start thinking about what the next plan will be. Could she move in with family? Does she have the funds for an assisted living that has a memory care section as she declines? If her funds are limited, you'll have to think about a Medicaid application, which needs to be done BEFORE she needs placement because it can take awhile to complete. You should talk to a certified elder law attorney to make sure everything needed is in place. Don't expect her to agree ---- you will need to be the parent going forward, deciding what needs to be done to ensure her safety. You will also get lots of advice here re ways to accomplish a move she doesn't think she needs, many of us here have been down that road and sometimes it must be tackled.

Good luck, you will find many interested and helpful participants here, come often to get more educated, to get support and advice.

Suziesb

Do not waste energy feeling guilty by caring for your LO at home if this just doesn't work. There are many skilled nursing facilities which are safe, clean and meet standards; check for those which are specialized memory care facilities.

I have already told my adult children that I am getting my own LTC insurance to ensure they never are burdened with my care should ever have a Dementia diagnosis. I don't want them to go through what I did, even though, yes, I would do it again for my mom. But it is HARD.

   

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