Supporting LDR boyfriend through his mom's decline

ajs1555

Hello all - I have never turned to a platform like this, but I was not sure where else to turn.  I will try to be brief. I am looking for guidance from other's who may have been in a similar situation, and any guidance on how I (28 yo) can support my long distance boyfriend (27 yo) 

We have been dating long distance for 4.5 years, and I finally moved to the same city this past summer. My move was exciting but also daunting as his family had recently learned his mother (60 yo) has EO Alzheimer's. His mother and father live a plane ride away and he has been making more of an effort to be home, working from there, to help our with his mom. With each month she declines a bit more, and he makes more trips to be home. 

I hadn't expected him to be at home as much as he has, and I suspect the draw to be home will only grow stronger as she continues to decline. I want to be there for him and support as best I can, but on the other hand the long distance when he is away is becoming increasingly difficult. 

I want him to be around more, in the city in which I moved to for him... but then feel terribly guilty thinking that because it takes time away from his mother. I am not sure how to balance the feelings of meeting the needs of our relationship vs the time he wants to spend with her. My heart is heavy for him as I can't image what he is going through. I feel like he doesn't have the space or time for all of these things on his plate - a long distance relationship with me, being home helping to care for his mom, his work, and the list goes on.  

How do I support him while also make sure our relationship doesn't run into the ground? How have you balanced the act of dating a caregiver? Any advice would be helpful. Many thanks. 

dayn2nite2

Let me be honest with you so you don’t waste more time.

I would, as soon as my lease is up or sooner if there is no lease, move back where you came from.

The future is exactly as you feel it will be and he is showing you that his family situation is his priority.

When you go back home, you should date others and perhaps once his mother has passed he can try again with you.

In the meantime you can get to know people in your home area who are willing to prioritize spending time with you now.  Don’t waste years waiting for this person who is preoccupied with other things.

Cynbar

I am also going to be brutally honest here ---- your boyfriend has a long, exhausting, devastating road ahead of him. His mother is only 60 years old, and likely physically healthy. EOAD patients can live a long time. Usual path: her family will try to care for her at home, and it will get harder and harder. Every patient is a little different, of course, but almost all become very confused, incontinent, anxious. She won't be able to work or drive before too long, will gradually lose her ability to care for herself or do household things like cooking and cleaning. Many patients become upset and anxious, some become aggressive or wander. It's excruciating to watch this happen to someone you love. Your boyfriend is showing you that he is very attached to his mother, his family and the struggle they are negotiating. He wants to be there with them and for them. Read other posts here and see how terribly hard this all is. If you push him to spend more time with you, he will resent you for it. This journey is all-encompassing --- he's not going to have much energy left over for you. I'm not going to tell you to end the relationship, that decision is yours alone. But you need to know what you are facing. Sometimes in relationships the timing is just lousy.

zauberflote

Not being an "experienced dater", I can only address this from my personal life events. I met my husband-to-be when I was25, in the city I'd moved to for my first real job--and called "home" although my parents lived 600 miles away-- and knew within 2 weeks that I would marry him (that runs in the women on my mother's side). He, otoh, was intending not to commit, which I only found out years later! A year after we met, he went back to school for hisMaster's degree a 10-hr drive away. We did the long distance thing for 18 months. Sometimes-daily letters, weekly phone calls (back in the day....), we saw each other on average once a month. It was a season in our lives. We were young. We juggled our commitments. We survived, and I expect we wouldn't be now, 45 years later, who we are, without that LD experience.

As it happened, he'd never left the city he grew up in. As it happened, his large family all lived nearby, and melded me seamlessly into their family-ness on about our fourth date. So it's a completely different experience from what you have done.

It is very telling to me that when you speak of your BF going to see his parents, you say he's "going home". Do the two of you not consider the city where you both live "home"? What is your own relationship with your own parents like? How much do you depend on them for whatever kind of thing?  How well do you know his family? How well do you know his origin family's dynamics? Do you know your long-term intentions regarding him? What would you yourself do if your own parent were suddenly diagnosed with a fatal but lingering disease? What would you expect him to do regarding whatever you might do? Answering those questions thoughtfully and honestly should be able to guide you in your decision. 

The rest of my story includes us adopting two boys (now grown), who were treated no differently than all the granddaughters. I lived in my mother's "house" for 19 years, and in MIL's "house" (not literally) for 40. I knew her much better than I knew Mom, really. I was an equal partner in her care team during the last 6-7 years of her life, including another 4 years of long-distance spousing. My DH could not be quite an equal partner in my mother's last few years of life-- but I travelled 600 miles to visit her in AL monthly until we moved her to our city. If 28-yr-old newly married me had known ANY of this was in my future, I would have lost my sanity a whole lot earlier than I did. 

That seems like a lot of touchy-feely emotional stuff, but I think that's the kind of position you're in. Best of luck in a tough spot!

Quilting brings calm

You didn’t mention if your boyfriend has siblings, or if his parents have siblings.   Asking if his father has any other family support. 

Here are my thoughts.  Your relationship will only work if either you and your boyfriend move to his parents city, or they move to yours. That may be impossible to obtain if jobs for either the two of you or his father don’t cooperate.  That may be impossible if other commitments keep his parents in their hometown or they just don’t feel comfortable moving. 

The truth is that the two of you are in a much different stage of life than most people who are caregivers for their parents.  For example, I am 62.  I just retired due to pressures of being a caregiver for my parents( in assisted living) , my spouse ( eyesight) and to a much lesser extent - an adult son with epilepsy.  Both our children are grown and out on their own a few  hours away- including the son with epilepsy. I’ve  lived decades as an adult and yet am still resentful of all this caregiving.  My retirement years aren’t going to be the life I planned.  

I think you need to have an honest talk with your boyfriend about where the two of you are going.  You moved for a closer relationship which is not happening and won’t for several years.  Are you really willing to give up most of your child bearing years waiting for your boyfriend to have  time for you.... if you want a family, that is? 

ajs1555

Hello all - thank you so much for taking the time to respond here. Honestly I wasn't sure if I would get any and I am just blown away by the kindness - thank you. Your replies have giving me a lot to think about, and areas that he and I will need to discuss.

Emily 123

Bluntly.

As you say, his absences are longer and more frequent. His commitment is to his mom, and her needs will increase.  It doesn’t sound like he’s able to focus on building what you want any time soon.  

 If you moved to his town to see how a 24/7 relationship would go, would you agree that you still have a LDR that’s likely to continue?  At the risk of sounding rude, it doesn’t read like he’s including you as part of his plans.  In that case I don’t see how you can support him more than you are.

It may be time to have a talk about taking a break. He may even welcome it as one less thing to juggle.  Perhaps see what decisions you can come up with if you’re not basing them on nuturing along this relationship?

Good luck!

  

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