Dad thinks my mom left him

Austin Mom

Hello, I'm new to this group and this is my first post.

My dad has recently been saying that my mom is 'gone.' He's telling me and others that my mom has left him and doesn't contact him.

In reality, she's living with him--she's there every day.

I know it's the disease, but my gosh it's frustrating, esp for my mom. What's the best response? I tell him that she hasn't left, that's she's there, but he doesn't believe me and now I think he's going to start accusing me of not telling him the truth.

If I go along with it, that feels weird, too.

Any suggestions?

Thank you and I look forward to learning from all of you and being part of this supportive community!

Marta

What you don't do is correct him or argue with him.  That never works.

He is expressing a need - try to figure out what that is.  Does he need physical contact?  Expressions of  appreciation and validation of his worth?  Is he scared everyone will leave him? 

I had to express often to my husband that I would always keep him safe and would care for him.

M1

Welcome, there are several threads on this topic in the spouses/partners forum, it comes up more often than you'd like to think.  Don't know if any of those will give you ideas.  Sometimes leaving the room and changing clothes seems to help temporarily.  But some spouses get kicked out of the bedroom, or sometimes the LO even calls the police thinking there's a stranger in the home.  Sorry you're having this trouble, I'm sure it's heartbreaking.

terei

You might try ‘Oh, sorry mom is not here, she had to go to (relative across country/other excuse) to help them with (another excuse) but this lady is here to help you while she is gone. repeat, repeat, repeat.

You could even try to have your mom call him on the phone when she is elsewhere to reassure him she’ll be coming home ‘soon’.  He might accept her on the phone, but you might not want to open that can of worms since he might demand she come home or otherwise agitate himself over her ‘absence’ if he talks to her.

Cynbar

Your natural inclination is to explain, to try and reason with him. Unfortunately the rules have changed and that's not going to work, and in fact will probably agitate him further. His brain is broken, you have to get into his reality and figure out what will work. My DH sometimes doesn't recognize me and asks when is his wife coming home (this is how I found out that reasoning will not work!). I have learned to play along, and calmly say "Soon." I keep it brief, long explanations confuse him more. That will often satisfy him for awhile (he may ask a few  more times and get the same response.) At some point, I leave the room for a few minutes, slightly change my appearance by adding a sweater or something, and then make a grand entrance saying "Honey I'm home." Strangely, this usually works ---- until the next time and we do it all again. One of the biggest things caregivers need on this dementia road is patience, because so many things are going to be repeated over and over and over again.

Austin Mom

Oh thank you all for your advice. Yes, today, after I hung up with him, I felt myself getting so angry at him for not understanding that my mother is right.there.in.the.same.room. Maddening.

But I know that his mind really is broken. As hard as it will be, I will go along with it and try to be more soothing ...

"Dad, mom is on a trip, she didn't leave you. She loves you and she will be back tonight."

Cynbar I love the idea of my mom changing a sweater and coming in. I will suggest that to her!

My mom and dad both set beautiful examples in caring for their own elderly parents. I am trying to do the same for my kids.

harshedbuzz

This is a tough one.

Does your dad say these things when your mom is right there with him? i.e. is he looking for the wife he had as a young man? Or is it more an out of site out of mind sort of scenario where he tells others mother has left him while they are visiting so she can get a break?

For my dad it was kind of a combination of the two. The leader of mom's ALZ support group suggested she step out and announce her return to include them being married- "I'm home. Where's my handsome husband?" or some such. Sometimes it worked.

Sometimes when I would visit to give mom a break he'd go into long sad stories about Mother leaving him because he was too old to work and how they were getting a divorce. In those situations, I would validate how sad and vulnerable that would make him feel but gently point out that she was as devoted as every and that no other man would measure up to him in her eyes and then I changed the subject to something lighter or snack time. This redirection always worked for me, but it didn't if mom was the one protesting her innocence.