How to get POA when person is in denial

mymomismyhero

Hi everyone,

My mother probably has anosognosia because she is adamant that nothing is wrong with her. She has been having issues for years and we finally got my brother to agree that she needs to move out of her house in Georgia. Her doctor said he's been telling my brother for years also. We almost had her in an independent living facility (baby steps) back in May but my brother talked her out of it. He insisted we are trying to "lock her up."

 My sister and I brought her to Colorado this past week on the pretense of caring for my sister after she has surgery and discovered my mom really needs round the clock care. I'm not sure where to even start but know that we need a power of attorney and medical power of attorney at least.

I doubt my mom will be willing to sign one so I'm not sure what our options are. She would never go to an attorney. She is in the moderate stage where she shouldn't live alone (her house is no longer safe because she doesn't keep it clean and it is bug infested.) but not so far that she wouldn't understand what a POA is. She was a nurse and also helped get my aunt who had Alzheimer's into a care facility and had a medical POA for her. I took her to the doctor this past Monday for a sore throat and she forgot she went.

She keeps saying she wants to go home and that she is homesick. We thought she could stay with me while I work from home but I don't think that is going to be possible. We tried a home care service when she was in Georgia but she cussed the lady out and sent her away.

Does anyone have experience with getting a POA when the person doesn't understand that there is a problem?

Thank you.

Quilting brings calm

Technically you may not need an attorney.  Go to your states( or hers) department of aging website.   See if there is a POA form on it that can be printed off.  Review the requirements.  You may just need a notary public to witness her signature.  That’s what I did.   I took it and my Mom to her bank and the notary public witnessed it along with another bank employee.   I scanned that in my phone and emailed it to her health insurance and they accepted it. 

I was very careful at the back to step back and have my mom deal with the banker as much as possible because I wanted then to be comfortable that this was her choice. 

However you have additional issues that may make a lawyer mandatory.  Your brother is being deliberately obstructive in this situation and may fight you every step of the way.  

terei

I would take her to an attorney + tell her it is to start putting your own affairs in order.  Have a DPOA made out for yourself with HER as POA + tell her she should do the same + have you as POA for her ‘in case she should have a medical problem’ in the future(covid?)

Discuss this in advance with an attorney familiar with dementia issues + have the papers drawn up in advance of your arrival.    The POA you assign  to her should be destroyed immediately thereafter. 

Frame the visit as being for your paperwork + ‘as long as we are here, we should do yours also’

harshedbuzz

I'm going to say you really, really need an attorney given that your brother is not on the same page as his siblings. Whatever document you get needs to be watertight; even then your brother could take her somewhere else and have a no one made that freezes you and sis out. 

In your shoes, I would be looking at the extra level of care that is guardianship. Sounds like your brother has been the local child and has ignored medical advice and allowed her to live in unsafe and unsanitary conditions either because he's in denial or is looking to preserve assets towards an estate. It's more expensive in terms of time and money (btw, mom's assets pay the bill) but your brother won't be able to scheme around it as easily. 

HB

PS Make it a CELA found at NELF

Wilted Daughter

This is tough spot, but you may be able to work around the POA. In the state we are in a person must have sound cognition to enter into agreements/contracts (i.e. POA). Having noted Dementia may be grounds for contesting by your brother. 

Here you can file for Guardianship & Conservatorship through the courts based on incapacitation. Health Care Proxy is usually administered when there is no question of cognition, but Guardianship & Conservatorship may address medical decisions. 

Prepare a journal (incident report of sorts) documenting the issues and recommendations from doctor(s) (can't live alone, dementia, etc.). Check your state's website "Guardianship & Conservatorship" to read/understand the procedures. Contact Family& Probate Court for more detailed information (steps, fees, how to file, etc.). This information should be on website as well and accessed by general Google search. 

Hope this helps. 

BarbaraG

Take her to the doctor for evaluation.  The doctor can declare her mentality incapacitated. Then you can move forward.  That's what we had to do.  Also, call your State Dept of Aging.  They can send someone to evaluate her and help you get the ball rolling. You are not alone.

Barbara

DEKNYC

I agree that you should work with her doctors.  My mother had a POA drawn up in 2003 that required evaluation by her doctor to evoke it which we did a few months ago.  We needed to have two doctors evaluate mom.  I do not know if that is standard.  Mom did not know that this was why she was being evaluated.

Deb

Katy Mac

I got Durable POA and Medical POA for my mother. I explained to her if she got sick or in the hospital there needed to be documentation in place so that strangers were not making the decisions for her. She signed.

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SelEtPoivre

I told my mom the POA was “paperwork for the bank so I can pay her bills” and the healthcare proxy was “so the doctors can talk to me since dad is gone and they need it in writing”