New here and dealing with emotional overwhelm

kcrom

Hi all,

Just found this forum today and it looks like a lot of great support here. My heart goes out to all of you who are caretaking for someone you love with dementia. My mom has been living with us for a little over a year and a half now. There are some good days and some not so good....as I'm sure you know. She can be very argumentative which makes it difficult and is very disorganized. She was someone who was neat as a pin and extremely organized and this decline has been hard to watch. When I try to help her she sees this as me being critical of her which is the opposite of my intent. She is also very lonely as we can't travel to see other family right now due to Covid. Any thing I mention to her to try she doesn't want to do. Just curious of others experience with any of this and how you are coping. Thank you. 

M1

Welcome Kcrom, you have indeed found a good place. Your mom sounds like my partner, who has lost a lot of executive function and initiative, she can't really follow through on any activity unless I'm right there with her. She spends most of her time repeatedly cleaning the house, watching tv, or rummaging through her desk. But she's not bored, and most of it is harmless. I'm telling you that to reassure you that you don't necessarily have to worry about urging her to do things, she may be fairly content without a lot of activity.

There are a lot of very kind and experienced caregivers here and we all learn from each other. Good luck, though sorry you have the need to be here.

PS, it helps to learn to avoid the arguments. She can't reason, and though it takes practice to learn not to correct or try to reason, you'll spend less time frustrated if you bite your tongue.

Nana of Four

I am experiencing very similar situations (I guess I’ll call it that) as your mom. I am overwhelmed and an only child. Then you add Covid to the mix. One other symptom that my mom has, is she is constantly looking for something. When I ask what she is looking for, her response is “I don’t know”.

GothicGremlin

Hi kcrom and Nana of Four --

This is all very familiar, and stressful.  My sister, who was diagnosed in mid-2018, has (or is) going through all of what you describe.

She also used to be quite organized, and fairly neat. Now, in her own words, there are days "where I just can't do anything." And it's true, sometimes she just can't. She told me just the other day that she can imagine a day when she is unable to take care of her two cats, which is probably the worst thing she can imagine happening to her.

The things that have helped in our situation -

-- when I can see that a meltdown is imminent (after awhile you can tell), I try to redirect her to something else, usually something cat-related.  Or if the meltdown is cat-related, I'll ask her if she'd like a piece of chocolate.

-- if I can't stop the meltdown, then I just agree with whatever she is saying, and/or I'll validate her as best I can. Like M1 said, you can't reason with them because they can't really reason anymore. I don't know where your LOs are cognition/comprehension-wise, but my sister is probably at about 1/3 capacity, and I don't think she understands much of what I say. Trying to reason with her is only going to frustrate her and make things much worse.

In terms of boredom, my sister does get bored, but is perfectly happy to watch something familiar on TV (nothing novel), and she has an app on her iPad for group karaoke - it might be called shmule or something like that. She has always loved singing, and she's still quite good. That app can keep her occupied for hours.

And you know what, Nana of Four, it is overwhelming. I won't lie, I'm stressed out a lot of the time. Sometimes I get help from extended family, but mostly it all falls to me.  My brother is next to useless, and I gave up on help from him long ago. So, at least I know where I stand. I did get a therapist - she used to be a social worker and has 20 years of experience working with Alzheimer's patients and caregivers. She's been worth her weight in gold. And I have my partner, who has been amazing, and a couple of close friends. I chose my team well.  They've helped me keep my sanity. The other two things that have helped are exercise (no gyms, but I can still work out at home), and music. I go to my virtual goth club every week. 

So, my advice would be to find the things that help to bring calmness. Sometimes it's hard to find the time, but finding the stray hour here or there will make a difference.