Doctor, Dentist, and Bank...Oh My!

White Crane

In The last two weeks, DH has had a dermatology appointment, a dental emergency, and we needed to go to the bank yesterday.  DH dislikes doctors and taking him for an appointment is always stressful.  From the moment we arrived at the dermatologist's office he complained loudly...Is there a doctor here?  If they're so busy, why aren't there more people here?  Is this a real doctor or a veterinarian? They always have to make you wait at least a half hour so they can get their money!...and on and on until they called his name to go to an exam room.  The receptionist was trying not to notice, as were the other people in the waiting room.  In the exam room, he said there was nothing wrong and he didn't need to see the doctor...he had two suspicious places on his face and scalp that needed to be checked.  He also gave the doctor a hard time and on and on.  By the time we left, I was nervous, stressed, and angry!  When we got home, he said, "Thanks for taking me to the doctor."  Grrr!  "Your welcome sweetie."

A few days later, one of his teeth broke off at the gumline.  I called the dentist and they said they would work him in.  The same thing as at the dermatologist...Is this a real doctor, etc.  all very loud.  Then he asked the woman dentist if she was a real doctor and gave everyone a very hard time.  Thankfully, they all know the situation and were very nice to him but I felt so angry and sad that my DH was behaving that way.  Now we are going to have to see an oral surgeon to have the rest of the tooth removed.  That should be fun!

Yesterday, we had an appointment at our bank to get a new CD.  The doors were locked, of course, and the sign said to knock or call their number to be let in.  DH began pounding on the glass doors with his walking stick and refused to stop!  I kept trying to call the number but he just kept pounding!  Finally, a very angry woman came to the door and told him to stop and that there were other people who had to finish their business before he could come in.  He, well, he talked back to her.  Finally, a very nice young woman let us in and she was so patient and kind.  I quietly told her DH had Alzheimer's.  She said she had a friend with it so she understood.  The rest of the visit was uneventful...Thankfully.

Taking him to any appointment is like taking a naughty child except that he isn't a child.  It is exhausting and nerve racking never knowing what he is going to say next.  Sorry this is so long.  I just needed to talk to somebody about it.  Thanks for listening.

Ed1937

This sounds like it was much more stressful for you than him. I'm sorry you had to endure this. He has the body of an adult, which makes it all that much harder, when other people don't understand.

David J

When a PWD is acting out in public it is very stressful!  As you found, some people understand and others never will. Until it happens to someone they love, I guess. I try to have a thick skin and not be embarrassed, but sometimes it is so humiliating. At least when he sees the oral surgeon they’ll give him something to relax.

Lorita

White Crane, what a time you're having.  I guess all caregivers have been through some of the same things - but three in a row!  I remember when I was caregiving, Charles had new dentures made - all went well thankfully, because the dentist he saw was very nice to him.  But, when we went back to get them, he had a different dentist (this is the VA) who was young and got too close to Charles.  He did put them in his mouth but immediately took them out and threw them on the table saying he didn't want those things.  The whole thing was brought on by the young dentist who didn't understand and got in his face.

 The next time we went there was another dentist and things went well except for how hard it was to make Charles understand to either keep his mouth open, or closed.  But, the dentist was patient and we got through the appointment. 

 People who haven't dealt with dementia patients do not understand and really makes things much harder for the patient and the caregiver.

 Good luck with the oral surgeon.

ElaineD

Dear White Crane,

So easy to say that your husband is a child, in the body of an adult, with the vocabulary and demands of a childish adult.

My DH, who has Mild Cognitive Disorder (or perhaps he's further along), exhibits lack of social filters in public.  DH cross-examines our waiters in our dining room, asking them if they've seen 'a bottle of sherry in the kitchen'.  DH can't 'taste' the sherry in a menu item so he thinks the chef is lying.  DH never had a subtle sense of taste, so he doesn't realize that sherry in a cooked food wouldn't taste like alcohol.  He does this over and over again.  He tells the waiter to 'ask the chef' to show him the bottle.  yikes.

Our waiters don't go into the kitchen, and they are young and from a culture where they would never know what sherry is, so they are just very uncomfortable and confused by his demands.   But of course, they don't argue with him or contradict him.  They really don't say anything.

I KNOW I shouldn't feel mortified by my DH's behavior, but I do.  And the future looks much more difficult.  

We are only human, White Crane, and we had so many years with our DH, that our horror at their 'inappropriate' behavior is natural.  Something is wrong!  We know it.  But what is wrong can't be corrected, only tolerated.  

Can you call ahead to alert staff where you have an appointment to the special needs of your DH?  That won't change his behavior, but you will have insured that the staff won't be quite so obviously shocked/dismayed.

I wish we could always rise above this, White Crane, but I know I will never completely accept these changes.

Elaine

White Crane

Thank you Ed, David, Lorita. and Elaine.  I’m dreading the oral surgeon appointment but like you said, they will give him something to relax. And I will tell them ahead of time about his Alzheimer’s. People who haven’t lived with Alzheimer’s  think it’s simply a matter of not remembering things. They don’t  understand that it affects the entire personality. I’m glad all of you are  here. Thank you.

dayn2nite2

Good time to start eliminating appointments.  Is there a reason you’re insisting on having skin lesions looked at ?  In the big picture would it be so terrible to die of cancer years earlier?

Dental emergency = yes

Bank = take care of by yourself.  Hire someone to stay with him.

Dermatologist = unless it’s causing pain no.

SallyL

Hello, White Crane,

Do you think your husband's behavior is a result of anxiety around those appointments? That's what happened with us, and my husband's PCP prescribed a mild anti-anxiety drug to help (I think it's Xanex). It has worked well to keep him a little calmer. I just give him a dose an hour or two before the appointment. 

Sometimes, I wondered if my anxiety about bringing him to appointments was adding to the mix. It was just a bad situation for both of us. I got a prescription from my own PCP, and it has really helped. Just a small dose, and I don't feel drugged or anything, just a lot less stressed.

And I always tell the folks wherever we are going that he has Alzheimer's, usually in advance. Most people are very good about it.

As Day2Night mentioned, I also think about what appointments and treatments are really necessary, and which we can maybe let go of. For example, he's due for a colonoscopy, but we decided to pass on that one.

Hope this helps.

Beachfan

Dear White Crane,

I have passed on a colonoscopy for DH, also cancelled his most recent teeth cleaning and check up at the last minute when I could see he was getting agitated. (Luckily, the timing was perfect as the hygienist who was somewhat familiar to him had left the practice and he would have been alone with a brand new hygienist.) I will not schedule any more dental visits unless there is a huge emergency.  He sees his PCP every 6 months and it is not stressful; PCP treats him like a parent and staff is familiar with DH.  Appointments are kept, on time.  PCP advised ignoring wonky lesions on his hands (probably melanoma, but not life threatening, only ugly.)  I take him as few places as possible as he is very slow now and unsteady.  I voiced worry to PCP about an emergency hospitalization/accident situation because he is not combative, but he doesn't comprehend what he is told and appears uncooperative.  PCP said, "Call me first, we'll figure it out."  The foot Dr. is another story.  He runs 1 hour behind schedule, typically, and DH, although he was a former golfing buddy of the Dr., is agitated and breathing heavy by the time he shows up.  Recently, the office staff has ushered DH back upon arrival and then "re-arranges" the room schedule for a quick exit.  Bless them!

We are lucky to live in a small town where DH taught and/or coached practically everyone at one point.  It makes managing his Alzheimer's somewhat easier.  I guess I would advise that you pick your battles at this point, as hard as it is.  Good luck with the dental appointment.  

White Crane

Thanks, Sally, Dayn2nite, and Beachfan.  You are all saying very similar things and I know you are right.  I've tried to cut back on a lot of appointments for him and will cancel the follow up with the dermatologist.  I would have gone by myself to the bank, but there were papers we both had to sign.  I'm learning through rough experience to only make appointments when necessary.  Thank you all for the reminder.  I appreciate this forum so much.

dayn2nite2

You may find it helpful to print out some slips of paper that say your LO has dementia and to please excuse any behavior he may show during the visit.  There are also business cards that some organizations have you can order that say the same thing.  This way you're communicating your LO's deficits out of earshot of him.

As far as the bank, you need to have any legal papers you need to allow you to sign for all financial transactions in place.  Nothing should need his signature any longer.  Obviously, he is incapable of making informed decisions on finances and it's pointless to make transactions that require his signature.  Get everything that requires 2 signatures into your name now and also get whatever legal paperwork you need so the bank recognizes you are acting on his behalf and the problem of needing his signature is eliminated.  One day soon he may not be able to sign at all.