when I have a bad reaction, DH has a more intense bad reaction

LadyTexan

I should know better by now. 

In science I learned that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In our home there seems to be the law of caregiving that when I react badly to DH, he has a more intense and more stubborn bad reaction to me.

DH has severely painful hemorrhoids. He has been a grouch. It has been a rough couple of weeks.  I have been administering the creams and suppositories to reduce his discomfort. I have been coordinating with the healthcare team and the insurance company to schedule the sigmoidoscopy for Wednesday of next week. Plus all the day to day caregiver duties for a loved one in mid stage 6. I let myself get worn down.

Last night I reacted badly when DH was especially immediately needy while I was trying to perform a 20 minute doctor prescribed medical treatment on my slow to heal fractured foot. I realized my error as soon as I lost my temper. I promptly apologized to DH for losing my temper...to no avail.

DH has been angry, pouty and stubborn ever since. "No!" seems to be the only word in his vocabulary now. He doesn't want food or pain reliever or assistance with his shower. He is acting like a petulant child.

Historically, his angry, pouty, stubborn tantrums can go on for days. If only I had taken a deep breath and calmly responded instead of reacting badly there might be harmony in the house today.

Please learn from my mistake: take a deep breath and respond calmly. It may save you from a couple days of disruption.

abc123

Dear Lady Texan,

I'm so sorry you & DH are having a rough patch. We are only human! Try to forgive yourself, please. When I get to my breaking point, I try to stop and ask God to help me regroup and bless me with a clear mind and a peaceful heart. I am grateful for these little times with my God. Sending you His love and peace.

ElaineD

Dear Lady Texan,

You are ever so right!  And yet, I imagine only repeated experience will 'teach me' to change my behavior.  And my husband has always been a 'pouter', a resentful person when 'crossed'.  And after 58 years of marriage I haven't learned to 'soothe his ego' at all!

This morning I put styrofoam container with some salmon on the kitchen counter, so the salmon could come to room temperature.  I wanted to give it to our darling new kitten.

Later I went to put the salmon in the kitten's food bowl, and the container was gone!  

I, of course, asked my husband what he had done with it!  Logical.  He said, what container?  I described it.  He said he hadn't seen it.   Of course he didn't remember it!

I looked to see if he had returned it to the refrigerator.  Not there.  Then I looked in the wastebasket, and buried three layers down, below coffee grounds, was the container.

I retrieved it and gave the kitten his salmon.  I HAD to say to my husband, "I found the container in the trash'.  Why did I HAVE to say anything?  I was only telling him he was 'wrong'.  

At least I didn't have any angry tone of  voice,  Lady Texan, but it was a mistake to point out his complete lack of memory.,

However, he doesn't CARE if he forgets things, he doesn't MIND that he had lost so much.  I think it's anosognosia combined with apathy.  To his doctors he describes his memory loss as normal for his age.  It is NOT.

Your posts, and those of others here,  are guidelines, and preparation for the future.  But I know I will make mistake after mistake.  Either way it is painful, very painful.

Elaine

Ed1937

Lady, we all know that a bad reaction from us is not in our best interest. But we are still human beings, and we tend to react differently at times than how we know we should. Give yourself a break, and hope to learn for the next time something happens. That's the best we can do.

eaglemom

Goodness, this only means we are all human. I think each caregiver can relate to this issue. The best thing to do is regroup and try to not make that mistake again. I'm sorry he's holding it against you - he doesn't mean it to be hurtful but I'm certain that it is.

eagle

Mint

(((LadyTexan)))  Think you need one.

David J

Hey Lady! (Every time I write this hat I think of Jerry Lewis)

If I beat myself up every time I was impatient with my wife, I’d be permanently black and blue. I know I am only human but I still feel bad. I know you do too, but we should get over it. It happens. Your love for your DW shines through, even if he doesn’t see it. 

Dave

White Crane

Dear Lady Texan, thank you for your post. I can empathize with you as my DH reacts similarly if I get angry at him. He always has. If I’m angry, he’s angrier. I know it’s tough! Over the years I’ve learned not to beat myself up over it. I’m human  and there are times when I get angry and maybe I even have a right to get angry. So be gentle with yourself. You are a wonderful, caring and loving caregiver. Sending hugs.

Joe C.

LT, I don’t even have to open my mouth, DW can read my body language! When I get frustrated she starts crying, and that the way my morning has been going. I do my best to keep a calm/even demeanor but sometimes my frustration shows through. Hopefully the afternoon is better.