Appropriate responses to mom's confusion

DEKNYC

My mother is in a nursing home in MI.  She has dementia that is getting worse.  She knows that I am her adult daughter and that I live in NYC.  She knows that my brother is her adult son who lives in the same city that she does with his wife and adult son.  However, she also believes that she has other younger children and grandchildren.  Her descriptions of the younger children seem to be of myself, my brother and my nephew in years past.  She believe we all exist in the present day and interact with one another.  

She is worried about these younger (fictional) children and is very upset about the behavior of the younger version of my brother.  Most of the time I can ease her mind by telling her that everyone is healthy and fine.  However the other day she wanted me give her an opinion on the behavior of her other son who I think in her mind is my brother when he was in his 20's.  I tried everyone is an adult and what they do is none of our business.  But that was not a concept that she accepted prior to the dementia.  She gets very upset when I do not engage in the conversation because I do not know what to say.  My brother just makes stuff up as if what mom thinks is real.  That may be fine but I will never know what he has told her and I am not comfortable spinning a log false story.

All suggestions on how to handle this are welcome.  

Deb

ladyzetta

Deb,

You just need to go along with what your Mother wants to hear. Try to make her happy and don't upset her. Try not to agree with anything she says that will upset her. As far as trying to keep up with what your brother has said to her chances are she will not remember what he said. I hope this helps.  

Cynbar

This all sounds so familiar. My DH also thinks he has more children than the 2 we have, and I agree that he is seeing them at different times in their lives. We often have full discussions about them, and I have gotten used to jumping into his reality. It's true that I don't have to remember what I said yesterday because he forgets soon after. He too will get upset if I don't engage or try to put him off. I never try to reason with him, that ship has sailed and it just agitates him. For instance, a constant worry is that our married daughter (with a child) remains single and will be an "old maid" (he actually says that). I usually reply that she recently got engaged and wants to tell him herself. It satisfies his concern, so he calms down and can usually be redirected at that point. These stories don't always make a lot of sense, but he doesn't pick up on that. He also worries regularly that his sister's car was totaled (she hasn't driven in years.) I picked up the phone and made a pretend call to the mechanic (I have a few people I can call to play along) and told him the car will be fixed by next week. He settled down and even said "I feel so much better." The point is that it's all about coming up with something that your mom wants to hear. It does get easier with time , at this point it's pretty easy for me to spin a long false story because it comforts him.

CarolynATL

Hi Deb, 

When my dad is upset or confused, I try to acknowledge then move on.  He'll go through phases where he's packing up to leave and demands to know where his car is.  My standard response is that it's in the shop and I'll bring it to him tomorrow.  You could say that you see she's worried and you'll check on the family member, then change the subject to something she enjoys talking about.  For my dad, it's talking about his childhood friend, so I'll ask a question like "Where did Buddy live?" and he moves on.  He may say the same thing 3 times during a visit, so it sometimes feels like wash/rinse/repeat.  He may refer to me as both his sister and his daughter in a single conversation, so I just go with the flow.    I hope that's helpful to you.  

jfkoc

While you may not be comfortable spinning a tale I think you can be comfortable doing what is in your mother's best interest. 

You will learn that your mother has a different reality and it is just as real to her as yours is to you. Get on her page whenever possible. Life will be easier and you can do it. 

I learned the hard way. It was not natural but I imagined that it was not unlike having a tea party with a young child. Sometimes it was enjoyable to take flights of fancy.

Nancy B21

Thank you.

I felt like I was lying if  I wasn't answering truthfully.  This helps me and frees me from that concern.  Thanks so much.

harshedbuzz

Deb-

The answer to this one is fairly simple. Be kind. If weaving a fairie tale soothes your mom in the moment, it's the best thing to do. I wouldn't worry too much about your fiction lining up with your brother's last installment as she likely doesn't recall what he told her if she's not sure how many kids she has.

My dad used to ask after my late sister all the time. She had been his favorite, a veritable mini-me of him. She made some terrible choices and came to a sad end. He kind of time-traveled in his dementia, so sometimes he had a sense she was sick or had died but other times she was back to his feisty little girl. She was a bit like Schrodinger's Cat- I didn't always know if she was dead or alive in his mind. Sometimes I would use the question to redirect him with a funny or sweet story from her youth before things went south. If I could tell he thought she was younger and alive, I would make up all manner of positive tales- going on about how busy she's been with work and the kids but that she's planning to come on the weekend.

HB

LaurenB

I think that we have to reframe the information that we are providing to our LOs.  To us it seems like a lie.  Maybe this is because we are living in a reality that the rest of the world agrees to.  For our LOs, this is not their version of reality.  We need to meet them where they are.  If they are concerned about their young children, then maybe we need to reassure them that the young children are being well cared for and are fine.  It would be truthful to says "Well, seeing that it is Tuesday at 8:30, they are heading off to school for the day."  Often times on weekdays at 8:30 children are going to school.  This also handles the concern for their safety.  Schools are generally a safe place and some other adult is looking out for them rather than it being the LO's responsibility.  It also can be reinforced throughout the day as they are expected to be at school for quite a while.

Lauren