Moving experiences?

SuptProf

Have any of you moved with your DW/DH? I am interested in hearing from others how a move went. We are considering a move to a continuing care community that would allow DW and me to live independently as long as possible but then for her to move to memory care and nursing care when the time for each comes. I believe this is a good option for us long-term but have some concern about what the effect of a move on her would be short-term. We are retired, so I can be with her more or less all the time. It is clear that we are going to need more help in the future. This option would allow us to stay together for as long as possible. Even after a transition to memory care, I could visit her and have meals most any time. The facility is close to some of our family and in the community in which we live now.

However, I do not want to exacerbate her issues by moving. Of course, she is familiar with the home we live in now, as we have lived here for 23 years. She is able to care for herself and perform simple tasks here at home, but she is having more and more difficulty with short episodes of confusion, and communication is a problem for her. I do not quite know where she would fall in the various stages of Alzheimer's but would place her somewhere between mild and moderate, with more moderate behaviors of late. 

Any and all thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Joe C.

SuptProf, Not knowing you it would be hard for me to advise. I know people for whom this arrangement has worked very well but I don’t think it is for everyone. I had considered a similar move several years ago, at the time I was 64 and had a pretty active lifestyle. It was actually the staff at the AL/MC facility that advised me against it. After several meetings/tours the staff advised me that at my age and given my lifestyle they thought the move would have a devastating impact on me. After thinking it through I came to the conclusion that they were right. I think you not only need to weigh your wife’s need but also what impact it will have on you.

Ed1937

We moved, but it was before she was diagnosed. The place you described sounds like it might be a good place. There is always the chance it will make it harder for her, but it would probably be better to do it now, rather than later when she has progressed more. Not saying you should do it, but consider the inevitable progression. You will probably get more posts on this. I hope whatever you decide, it works out well for you.

Tesa

My DH is also suffering from dementia.  we are contemplating a move to an apartment in April . I am also worried how this is going to effect him.  We have lived in our house for 42 years but it is just too much for either of us to take care of anymore.  We are not moving to a retirement facility but to a group apartment facility.  Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

SuptProf

Thanks for your replies. I respect and appreciate that you have not tried to "tell me what to do" so to speak. FWIW, we are both 70. I do some coaching of professionals in my field and teach a few seminars and workshops annually. That activity all but ceased due to COVID this past year. Increasingly I find that my life is almost exclusively caring for her now. I do not have a great need for socialization and have no need to work outside our home at this point.

Ed1937

Tesa, welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this too. I know we have people on the forum who have moved, so keep an eye on this thread. I expect others will join in.

Marie58

When DH was diagnosed, we were living in a huge home. I knew I couldn't take care of it by myself. We downsized to a home less than 1/2 the size. One of the best decisions I ever made. He was probably early stage 5 at the time and he adjusted just fine. It was A LOT of work to downsize and move as I had to do most of the work, or recruit help, but so worth it in the long run. One piece of advice I'd give it to make sure you move to a place YOU want to live in if/when your LO goes to MC or passes on. My DH is in MC now and I plan on staying where I am.

Jeff86

I gave a lot of thought as to whether we should move from this rambling old house in which we’ve lived for 23 years.  It’s always been way more house than we need but my DW always loved it.  That said, as her mobility declines it’s ever less easy for her to deal with the stairs.  Bedrooms are all on the second and third floors as are bathrooms except for a small powder room on the first floor.

DW is late stage 6.  I spoke with DW’s neurologist about a move, and the neurologist was negative on the idea, saying that it quite possibly would lead to/cause further cognitive decline.  That pretty much stopped me in my tracks, so here we remain....not suggesting this would be advice for you, or appropriate for your circumstances, but how I came to a decision on this issue.

Lydia1330

My 80 year old mom moved in with my brother last November. Mom is in early stages of dementia. My 2 brothers and I are still trying to make her comfortable. It takes quite a bit of patience. Pictures of family everywhere I’ve found are very soothing for her. Routine is also very important.

Bevy

My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 11 years ago. We moved 6 years ago from a larger home on two acres to senior housing with three levels of care (independent, assisted and memory care.) We were together for 2 years in an independent villa. He became confused and began wondering at night, making it difficult to sleep.

He has been in memory care for four years now. I visited him three times a week, until Covid19 and visitors were not allowed. He no longer knows who I am. His facility has a very good staff and he seems content.

 I am very active and we have family close by, so it has worked out well for us.

harshedbuzz

My parents moved closer to me when dad was in the middle stages of the disease. He didn't want to move, but it was what was best for my mother and IME supporting the caregiver results in a better quality of life for both parties.

FWIW, several months after the move to their new home dad thought he was back in his place in Florida anyway which made him very happy. We had to move my dear auntie into a MCF from her cute beachfront cottage in the middle stages of the disease. She believed she was in the married student housing at Rutgers initially and would later look out her window at the trees and describe it as the view from her cottage. 

One of the gentlemen from mom's IRL support group moved to a Quaker CCRC that sounds much as you describe. He and his wife moved their upon retirement and into an IL apartment until such time that she needed MC. It worked beautifully for them. He once needed surgery and was able to rehab in their SNF while someone from staff (already known and vetted and for an additional fee) looked after her in the apartment. Later when she needed more care, they could still have lunch and dinner together and even do some activities as a couple.

ElaineD

Dear SuptProf,

It will never get easier to move than it is right NOW, only harder.  

We moved in March 2019, and my DH was in the stage where his executive function had seriously deteriorated.  He could not really help with the move, except for taking amazing amounts of 'stuff' to Goodwill, every day.  But he couldn't decide what to take and what to get rid of, and he couldn't even order the U-Haul, which I had to do the day before everyone came to help.

After the move he was very unhappy about it.  BUT his personality improved almost over night.  He lost most of his anger!  He had been angry, verbally abusive, hyper critical and unwillingly to help me in any way as my disability became worse and worse. 

My two sons noticed it when we were all together on vacation in June.  "Dad is so much less angry!"   

I don't know, but I think the stress of caring for the house and yard (which he professed to love) was actually wearing on him.  And the increased socialization probably also helped him, even tho' he complained about everything and everyone.  

Now almost two years later, I KNOW it was the best thing for both of us.  He has settled into a routine.  He has breakfast with a Men's Group once a month and exercises several times a day.  He is deteriorating at a more or less steady rate.  He no longer complains about living here. 

And he is nicer to me, more helpful (no big 'sighs' when I ask for help, seldom snapping at me, or inflicting sarcasm and 'mocking me' by parroting back what I've said in a bizarre tone of voice.)  He's probably easier to live with than he's ever been in our 58 years of marriage.

As I said, I'm disabled and we now live in a 800 sq ft one-bedroom apartment, so I am a captive audience for his behavior, which has improved continuously since our move.

Remember, you won't have to clean, cook much, and there will be activities for both of you.  I'm sure there will be many other couples with a PW Alz/Dementia so you won't be alone, either!  The staff will be professional and very attentive and kind, I'm sure.

We have an on-site Home Health Care company, and an Agency on-site that offers physical and occupational therapy and speech therapy.  

There are blood pressure checks, eye health checks, hearing checks,we just got our first Moderna vaccination for Covid!  A podiatrist visits every month (if you wish) and there is a medical service that can treat you if you wish, they even bring an x-ray machine.  We can order groceries that will be delivered to your door (added to your monthly bill), the services are endless.  

Elaine