1st VISIT TO MY DAD IN A WHILE BC COVID & other

JANIS MCGRAW

This is my very first post and I am going to ramble........I am 49 years old and my Dad (will be 73 in March) was diagnosed about 2-3 years ago.  I was an only child until I was 20 years old.  My half sister and I are 20 years apart.  My sister and I have never been close because of the age difference.  She was raised during a different time and my Dad was a different person from what he was raising me verses raising her.  My Step Mom and half sister have done a wonderful job caring for him.  I just saw him for the second time in a year due to Covid and the fact that my Step Mom and I haven't spoken in a while.  Her and I will never see eye to eye.  But my sister helped make arrangements so I could see my Dad yesterday.  My Dad was a very proud man, he's over 6 feet tall and was physically healthy as a horse.  For his mind to go, is extremely devastating for me. Who will I ask all of my questions? He had an answer for everything, was very smart and funny.  

He can no longer speak or walk.  He wears diapers 100% and no longer uses the restroom toilet.  He forgets to swallow food and pills, etc....you know the drill.  

My sister said she dealt with much of this at the time of diagnosis, while I did not...and still have not.  Since we found out....every time I would think about it I would begin to cry and so would put it off and move on.....so stupid of me to think I had more time.  I should have spent time with him everyday so I could secure memories (is that silly?) and talk with him......but rough relationship between myself and Step Mom kept that from happening.  We all live with in 15 minutes of each other.  

I am so very thankful that my step mom has been (slowly-as she is cleaning things out) giving me back things that were meaningful between my dad and I.  

WDYT, 

Janis

dayn2nite2

I'm glad you and your sister have a good relationship.  Would it be possible to put your thoughts about your stepmother's good care of your dad into a letter or card and send them to her?  That may help repair some of the relationship too.

Even if you've verbally said how grateful you are, it would be nice to send a card with that sentiment too.

LaurenB

I was in this position with my dad earlier this year.  I'm 16 years older than my sister and don't have a relationship with my stepmom or really my dad, but I let my stepmom know that I was coming and was able to visit with him at the hospital as well as the rehab center in March.  He died in July.  I'm now close with my sister (turns out that we have a lot more in common now that we are both adults) and have zero relationship with my stepmom.  Do what you need to do to be able to look back and feel that you did what was right for you.

Lauren

JANIS MCGRAW

So sorry you've lost your Dad.  I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.  

Thank you for the kind words.  My sister and I do have more in common now that we are adults.  We are actually both engaged right now. This is her first and my third wedding.  We are hoping she can get married this year so Dad can be there.  

I will focus on what's right for me.  I appreciate that. 

JANIS MCGRAW

I was texting my step mom on the reg earlier this year and telling her often how much I appreciated everything she was doing.  But on Father's Day (my only other visit with my dad this year) she picked a fight with me over something so trivial (the fact that you can use your bank/checking card as a visa or mastercard credit card at check out.)  Her and I have never seen eye to eye and have always butted heads ever since her and my Dad decided to side with my ex-husband and his wife after my divorce.

I will likely send a card soon. 

LaurenB

If I read your response correctly, your dad (with dementia) has chosen to side with your ex-husband and your step mom.  If correct, it seems like he made a choice.  Probably not the one you had hoped for, but that is his choice.  Go ahead and have whatever relationship works for you.  You can try for a typical "father/daughter" relationship or work with the one that you have now with no guilt.  I'll send you a "connections"  request if you want to speak more privately.  That will allow us to communicate via the email system.

Lauren