How to Have Friends Over Without Live-In Mom with ALZ??

JaymeCare

The COVID restrictions have kept everyone at bay for the past year, so not having a social life became the norm. My mother-in-law lives with us and is 91 with moderate ALZ, which is fairly unrecognizable as she's in good physical health and isn't naturally social. We're in our 60's and a lot of our friends are from our church, so we're not talking sex, drugs, and rock and roll. But, we already gave up any modicum of privacy just by having her here and we want to enjoy dinner parties, parties in general, and movie nights - anything, really - with friends without her. Is there a way? Do we have to spend a fortune renting her a room in a senior place; which are all closed for that now. We have friends who have said they would give us a break, but do we ask them to keep her for dinner and the evening, or spend the night? I'm not ready to ask for that. She has 2 bedrooms in the house, one is a "sitting room" with a sofa, desk, and 65" TV and the other her bedroom. Do I tell her she's not welcome and take her dinner back to her? Any experiences with maintaining your own life? In that vein - for vacations is the most cost effective plan to take her to a senior care center for overnights or bring in someone to stay here? We currently feel like vacations are going to double in cost.

LaurenB

Could you hire a sitter to come and hang out with her while you are having friends over?  Maybe when the weather is nicer they could go for a walk while you step out for some food?

JaymeCare

Thanks Lauren, maybe. While she has a little sitting room, there isn't much room for two people sitting comfortably for hours, although your suggestion gave me an idea. She still does jigsaw puzzles and we had a board made that sits on her coffee table. Find a jigsaw puzzle lover? They could play on either sides of the table.

LicketyGlitz

LaurenB's got a good suggestion, Jayme, get a caregiver a couple nights a week to entertain your MIL in her part of the house, or take her out for a drive. My solution in the early days was to have friends over after Mom goes to bed. We still do occasionally when the weather isn't terrible and we can have a fire and sit outside with hot toddys.

Before COVID we also had family dinners with friends and included Mom, especially friends with children, that always made a nice night for her. With her progression she'd probably not be interested in any visitors anymore.

But now it's mostly Zoom get-togethers with friends after Mom goes to bed. Good luck! When there's a will there's a way!

JaymeCare

Thank so much LicketyGlitz - and to Lauren again. She is still on the waiting list for a vaccine; it seems prudent to get her one before going on outings. She's not social, so we'll see if we could get her in a car. You've both eased my frustration with feeling like our lives are over until hers is.

Cynbar

Look into respite at a local facility for times you go on vacation. Yes, it is pricy, but you'll know she is securely taken care of. It usually costs as much or more to pay someone to come stay with her, and then you're at risk if the caregiver gets sick or quits or has another issue. I arranged for respite for my DH when I had hip surgery last year, he went to a local memory care and did quite well. Call around your area for prices, logistics, etc --- I know facilities here are still accepting respite patients. I'm assuming since she is at a moderate stage she needs someone with her most of the time --- there really is no cost effective way unless you have other family who could take her.

jfkoc

I would not expose my mother to this virus. By being with others unless they test negative you are exposing yourself and your mother. Risk of exposure would also prohibit putting my loved one in respite care.

I think pretty much most of us have really missed friends and social activity. Luckily I have had my first shot and my second will be in 3 weeks. Add 2 weeks to that and I think I will be relatively safe. I will still mask up since they do not know if those vaccinated can be shedders.

This is serious stuff especially for someone your mother's age. Has she had her first shot  yet?

harshedbuzz

This is difficult.

Going forward I think you need to find a balance. The reality is that your MIL is a part of your household and might enjoy some social interaction.

A dear friend had her mom live with her for the last 4 years of her life in a similar arrangement as yours- her mom was included in everything that went on there. Family dinners, sports gamedays, holidays and even the Thursday night book and sewing group. It might make sense to have more exclusive parties at your friends' homes and hire a HHA to stay with her.

Friend had a weekly date afternoon with her husband on Saturdays and they'd hire in one of her HHAs for an overnight so they could visit their son at college. They didn't travel much when mom lived with them, the few times they did they hired her HHAs to cover day/evening and a good friend spent the overnights at the house. 

During the 6 years my MIL lived with my BIL, I flew out with my then young son and stayed with her twice each year so they could vacation as a couple and family- it typically worked out to about 5 weeks most years. When my nieces were there, they entertained my son so it was kind of like a break for me. 

We looked into respite locally when my dad developed dementia. I wanted my mom to be able to travel to visit her remaining sibling from time to time. The options were all expensive. 24 hour coverage from an agency was about $700/night but was the most flexible. SNF would take dad out-of-pocket for just under $500/day. The MCFs had a lower day-rate, but required at least a 2 week minimum. Dad's MCF wouldn't do respite for less than a month at a time which would be about $7K. 

HB