Married 35 Years and Now One is Going to Memory Care

SoCalViewOfTheOcean

My 91-year-old father is having his 90-year-old, married 35 years, wife with significant moderate dementia move into a Memory Care facility next week. 

I am his 61-year-old son and have been caring for him (he has no dementia issues) and now significantly helping her (he was her caregiver). We have been planning for this move for at least the last 6 months. She knows nothing about it but we are all 100% in doing this transition. 

Now that day is less than a week away. Now it is seriously real. Papers are being signed. Furniture delivery date just a couple of days away. For the first 2 weeks that she is in MC, there is no contact with her. I know the day that we move her into MC is going to be sad and a very emotional time. It will feel like a tear-jerking movie.

For those of you who have been down this road, is there any advice or recommendations on handling it? They love each other so very much. Even at 90+ years. I help put them in bed and to see them lying together is one of the most emotional things I have experienced - knowing that there are only a handful more nights like this... forever. I know it is heavy on his mind.

Are there things that I can say to my dad to help him with the impending separation with his wife?

Thanks.

Jeff86

Wow, that is heavy.  Brought tears to my eyes to read it.

And what a kind son you are to have this concern for him, and them, and to fully realize the loss that is upon them.  

A thought I have is to point out to your dad that this is the greatest act of love he can offer, to place her where she will be best cared for for the rest of her life.

It won’t make it easier; nothing will.  But it may help him with resolve, and as a frame through which he will always view this placement.8

Ernie123

So sorry that your dad must deal with this transition, it will be difficult for you both. With the help of my two adult children I had to place my DW of 53 years into a memory care facility  just over a year ago. After caring for her by myself for eight years her condition had progressed to the point I could no longer provide care alone. I do have some advice based on my experience. With hindsight I realize the move was more difficult for me than her. She moved into a welcoming social environment with wonderful staff who are trained to work with dementia residents. I was counseled to step back at first and let the professional staff do their job which they did. Eventually I became a partner with them in caring for my DW. 

After the move I  began the challenge of learning to live alone for the first time in my life. Going from the busy, stressful demands of 24/7 caregiving to a quiet empty house was devastating for me, not a relief. I had not anticipated such an emotional crash. I had not really thought too much about how I would adjust because I was so concerned for my wife. My son took me to my doctor who prescribed Lorazepam to take as needed to get through the first days and weeks.  Your dad may need to accept medical support as well. Another suggestion is to contact your local Alzheimer’s Society of you are not already in touch.  They should have counseling available for you both. They were a huge support before and after the move for me. I joined a men’s support group, about a dozen men who are all on the same journey but at different stages. Some have newly diagnosed wives, some have wives in LTC. We have open and therapeutic conversations. There are tears and laughter and each meeting seems to help me gain some strength and perspective. Talking with “friends” is rarely the same as most people just don’t get it. 

One year after the move we are both doing much better than before the move. I visit daily and help with my DW’s personal care. Seeing her content and happy in such a positive environment is a relief for me. I am still lonely but have tried to move on and focus on the positives in my life. I have learned we can adapt to whatever life gives us, especially if we are prepared to reach out and accept support when it is needed.

Mint

SoCal,  What a kind and thoughtful son you are.  They are blessed to have someone like you. 

Ernie thank you for sharing your experience.  

This road is definitely a little bumpy sometimes.

Ed1937

Sorry the inevitable is in the neat future. One thing you can do for him is to promise to make sure he can get there to see her, if he no longer drives. The prospect of never being able to see her again is something that could very well be in his mind. Knowing he has a way to get there could be a big boost for him. Best of luck.

Marie58

You're a great son and I'm glad they both have you for help and support.

I know you asked if there are things you can SAY to your Dad and you got some good suggestions so far. But I'd like to suggest things you can DO. Just be there for him. I'm 62 and placed my DH, who's 64, in MC 5 months ago. Our son helped me with the physical move as you are doing for your dad. But what was really great was that I spent most of the next few days with him and his family doing things we enjoy. We went boating, went for a drive to a local national park and had meals together. Let your dad talk and just be there to listen. Let him cry. Let him talk about his wife.

My DH and I have been married 40 years and it's so quiet and lonely here without him, especially at night. Call or text your dad in the evening and let him know you're thinking of him. Or call him in the morning and ask how he's sleeping. Drop in just to say hi. Little things like that are huge. I continue to do lots of things with our son, daughter in law, and grandkids. Not sure how I'd do it without them. They invite me over for dinner mid week for no reason except to be together. Do that if you can. Or bring dinner to him and stay and visit for awhile.

You're truly a blessing to your dad and his wife.

SoCalViewOfTheOcean

Thanks very much. It means a lot to hear great words of wisdom. Thank you. We done much of what you all have suggested and I really feel it has made a difference. This is the week it all happens. Thank you all!

abc123

Dear SoCal, My heart is heavy for all of you. Please let us know how it went.

SoCalViewOfTheOcean

Hi All. I wanted to add an update. Yesterday, February 4, 2021, we moved my stepmom into a memory care facility. The many months (more than 6) of planning and preparation paid off. We used the white lie of: "the pest control people found a big nest of rats and need you and (her husband) to move out. The doctor said we should go here. We have a room especially for you." She really liked the place and only once did she ever say, near the beginning that "this is not my home and I am not staying here." We used the pest control idea and added the doctor since she had a lot of respect for the doctor. We used the "your own room" as icing on the cake. She really like that. We also said her husband was going to be in another building in his own room (that was a white lie as well, since he is at his home - although he is seriously considering moving into an assisted living unit at the location to be closer to her.). She had been to the location for an assessment so it was somewhat familiar - she did recognize the place. 

My dad is doing well. The last few months (2) we have seen a significant decline in her ability to talk and function. It got to the point where he could not do the diaper changes and take care of her, so I moved in and carried the baton the last lap. I think that seeing her deteriorate in that period of time (we had a 90th birthday with her in early December and compared to today, it is a big change (and she was a 4-5/7 then)) made it mentally and emotionally easier for him to accept the inevitable change. Nights got extremely tough. She was talking in her sleep, saying he is such a baby and he needed to give her more room in bed (she was already taking 3/4 of the bed) or he needed to get out of bed. So I think this made the move easier. I am planning on spending a lot of time with him over the next few days to help in the new adjustment. It is still a big shift.

I want to thank everyone for all their help. We were lost in the beginning of this journey but have now found home. Thank you.

Jeff86

Thanks for catching us up.  So glad to hear that the move-in went as smoothly as it did, and your dad has been accepting of the necessity of making this change.

You’re clearly a kind and loving son and a good man.  Good on you.

jfkoc

My  2 cents...I think that what to say is less important than the listening and simply remaining in his life on a regular basis. 

Please try to set up a schedule so that he has something to count on. The looking forward is so important when things are hard.

Mint

Thank you and glad things went smoothly for you.  Your parents are blessed to have you.

SoCalViewOfTheOcean

Hi Everyone. One final update. We moved my stepmom into a great memory care facility on February 4 and things worked out nicely. She would ask where my dad was staying but we had a nice answer (in a building next door). Her memory lasted a bit less than a day. She had great care and was getting used to her new home. On Tuesday we got a call from the facility and they wanted us to take her to urgent care. This lead to the emergency room and later that night we found out she had a perforated colon. She passed away the next day in the mid-afternoon. It was such a double whammy. My dad is still reeling from a phone that that was supposed to say we will fix her and she will be home in 3 days. Instead it said 2-3 days of life. And in fact she lasted less than 1 day. She passed away peacefully and was comfortable. The best part is that she no longer has to struggle with completing a sentence. She no longer has to feel frustrated. She is now free. RIP Nancy.

Nowhere

Oh, my! What a shock for your father and you. I’m so sorry. Your dad will need you ever so much now as there is so much more for him to process. May she Rest In Peace, and he find comfort in that that she didn’t suffer a long lingering death.

Marie58

I'm so sorry she passed but glad it was peaceful. May God bless you and your dad during this tough time.