The Dreaded Spreadsheet

SteveOD

We had a milestone recently. Not a good one, just a significant one.

I maintain a spreadsheet that tracks all our financial assets, and every month, I go in to all our online accounts, pull the new balances and enter them on the spreadsheet. 

In years past, my wife was happy to take a report of our net worth each month, but in 2018, she asked me to teach her how to update the spreadsheet at the end of the month, and that's the process that clued me in to her developing condition: from one account to the next, she was incapable of remembering the steps to logging in, finding the balances and recording them on the spreadsheet. We tried in October, in November and in December. It was a painful, patience-challenging experience, but it was worth it when she finally concluded that she needed to consult with a physician about her issues.

This past month, out of the blue, she asked to "learn how to update the spreadsheet" again, and this time, she was completely unable to remember even where to look to get the user IDs and passwords ("No, remember that you can't look on the spreadsheet for the ID. They're here, on this piece of paper on the desk."), where to find the new balances, and where to enter the information. After trying with three accounts, she simply said she'd had enough for the moment, and she needed to put the whole thing aside for a while. It was an opportunity for us to talk about the fact that her illness has progressed to the point where she is incapable of doing this. She was calm and rational about it, and we held each other as we dealt with the significance of the realization.

I don't know what will happen at the end of this month—whether she'll remember that conversation and allow me to do the update, or insist again that it's time for her to learn how to do it—but I'm determined to keep this memory in my mind, of the time when she was able to rationally recognize and accept the limitations being imposed upon her by this disease.

Ed1937

Steve, I know these losses are hard. My wife lost the ability to do basic math early on in the disease. Now there are many more losses, and every one of them is hard. Now she can't cook, use a remote control, or even make a phone call. And there are more. It's just a hard disease.

White Crane

Steve, these losses are so hard and every one of them needs to be grieved.  My DH has lost so much.  And he knows he has...that's so hard to watch when he knows he can't do something that he once did with ease.  It's hard for him to accept.  It's hard for me to accept.  But I need to accept and grieve each loss in order to move on and maintain my own mental health.  When I keep trying to get him to do something that he simply can't do, we both lose.  Acceptance is hard.  It grieves the soul...but it also frees the soul and brings a kind of peace in the end.  Acceptance doesn't mean I like it...it just means I accept the situation just the way it is. 

This disease is so hard and can kill us right along with our loved ones.  I wish you well and I'm so sorry your DW is losing ground.  Sending hugs and prayers.

Mint

Math is the thing my mom has the most trouble with.  She maintained the check books, paid the bills her entire marriage but my dad did all the investing.  When my dad died she turned the investing issues over to me.  She for quite a few years now has been unable to maintain check book and I have to do that.  Sort of had your experience, at some point she tells me she needs to understand this stuff and did try.  In my case it didn’t last too long.

Rescue mom

It’s kind of interesting, and very sad, how different people lose different abilities at different times. My DH can do simple math problems on paper—just like add or multiply some numbers on a sheet of paper—but not the steps involved in writing a check or paying bills, or understanding a spread sheet or budget. Computer/cellphone/gps ability lost very early.

The first big thing he lost was any sense of direction or where things are, even things in the house he used daily and been in same place for decades. Driving, of course, was immediately done, he did not know where he was, even in same neighborhood he lived 30 years.

He can’t remember the three words, or the second step of any 2-step direction, like “fold the paper in half and put it on the floor.” (He also forgets the first step if there’s any lapse of time or distraction)

OTOH, he can draw that dam clock perfectly in about 20 seconds, as well as copy other line drawings on the test.

M1

Steve, it's interesting that she was able to recognize this as a cognitive loss.  My partner has been unable to do that.  She was never very computer savvy (calls herself a pencil licker), but as an independent businesswoman she was always very in charge of her own finances and really very financially savvy, used to make a lot of money stock trading.  Now she can't remember how to look at a printed bank statement, much less manage her bills, and this is enormously frustrating to her.  I've moved pretty much everything online, and I have to do a dance several times a week to reassure her that all the bills are paid, and that everything is okay.  I try to reassure her that "that's just how business is done now and I know you don't like it" or some such.  She is not safe online or on the telephone even (with the scammers), but she continues to ask me if she can't just get some "simple" device that she could look at.  I just defer and defer and defer.

ElaineD

It is clear that there are so many different ways dementia disables our Loved Ones.

I keep 'missing' signs, until I read this forum.  My DH came to me yesterday with his phone because there was 'an offer for a new credit card' and he wanted me to talk to the caller, since I have always handled our finances (58 years!).   OF COURSE it was a scammer.  But my DH did not know!  Just a few months ago he would have realized this and hung up.

Now he comes to me asking me to buy products he's heard about on television.  The first two times, I bought what he wanted.  Of course, they didn't do for him what they promised to do. (hearing devices, and My Pillow).   

He asks me to do the buying because he knows he couldn't manage to do it on-line or on the phone.  I'm lucky he can't do this himself.

If I send him to Kohl's to return Amazon purchases, he browses and buys stuff he doesn't need. Yesterday it was MORE underwear.....he bought some two months ago!  His drawers will be bursting soon.

When he goes grocery shopping he buys bags and boxes of junk food, and often forgets the eggs and milk I've asked him to buy.  Lists don't help because he forgets to read them.  

Now I order the basics we need from Amazon Fresh...delivered the same day.  Amazing really.

You may have noted that DH is still driving (I know, I know, please no lectures) very short trips to places he knows well.  He drives me to my medical appointments, and I can see that he does quite well, so far.  My younger son, who lives nearby, will be the one to 'take away the keys'.  

Elaine