Both parents with dementia, running out of options

Suzzin

Hi all, I'm newly registered but have been reading the posts. My mom (age 85) has ALZ and VD; she was officially diagnosed last summer but we have known for 5-10 years that she's been struggling. My dad (age 88) has a lot of cognitive problems and some dementia from a fall and resulting brain surgery last summer. For the last few years they were able to care for or cover for each other, but it reached a breaking point.

Both parents are in their home with round the clock caregivers. I spend 2-4 hours a day with them every single day in addition to providing all the food, groceries, financial, medical etc support. Mom still packs up every day to go "home", but her latest meds have stabilized her and she is more aware and conversant. Most of the day they are fine, watching TV or napping.

The problem is my dad. He will not let her alone for even 5 minutes. He yells at her and at the carers, he demands that she sit right next to her. Yesterday he asked if she wanted coffee, and when she took 10 seconds to process and decide, he yelled, "ANSWER ME DUMMY!". This morning he followed her in to the bathroom (the only place she can get any peace) and when she wouldn't get up from the toilet he thumped/hit her on the back trying to make her move. In mom's more alert times she tells me very consistently that she wants a divorce, she wants to leave, but she knows she can't.

I don't know what to do. If I put them in AL I will never see them again, and that won't solve their problems. Are there meds that we can try for my dad? He denies up and down that he yells at her, or that he ever hit/pushed/thumped mom and there's no getting through to him.

LaurenB

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Have you communicated your thoughts with your parent's doctors?  Yes, there are medications that have the ability to be helpful, if the patient can tolerate them.  If not, it might be time for a new living situation for your parents.

Lauren

Quilting brings calm

Why do you think putting your parents in AL means you will never see them again? My parents ALF just provided the first vaccine to all their residents, with the next one scheduled in two more weeks.   The winter weather is making outdoor visits impracticable, but spring should allow for outdoor visits. Plus, once the second vaccine has provided immunity, indoor visits should  return.  So possibly two months.  Plus, I take my parents to their doctor visits, so I see them then.  They have enough doctor visits that it’s fairly often. 

AL will be cheaper than round the clock caregivers.  Your first problem however is your Dad.  You need to call the doctor now for medication before he inadvertently knocks your mom to the floor and physically  hurts her.  You are not going to be able to place him in AL if he is violent. I’m not sure they will qualify for AL anyway, they may be too advanced and may need MC.  You will  find that out when an ALF does an evaluation. They cannot take residents who need more care than they can give. 

dayn2nite2

They need to be placed in separate facilities.  He is abusing her.

star26

I think it's definitely worth talking to your Dad's doctor, preferably a geriatric psychiatrist, about medication that can calm him down. Stress to the doctor that his yelling. obsessive, and aggressive behaviors are dangerous to his carers and your Mom and risking his ability to remain at home. Even if he were in a facility, that behavior would still likely need to be addressed.

Sunshine days

I totally agree with dayn2nite2, this is abusive behavior and should not be allowed to continue under any circumstances. Having dementia does not give you a free pass to mistreat others. You  need to get a geriatric social worker involved asap. God bless.

Cynbar

I agree that they need to be separated. This is so unfair to your mother. She has dementia, she likely can't process that he is ill too. If he's calling her dummy and hitting her because she won't get up fast enough, he shouldn't be around her. Move one of them out of the house or find separate placements. She must be so hurt and upset by all this.

Suzzin

Thanks, all. I've been working with their nurses and caregivers, and we've had success with my dad. Starting that day, I've taken him for walks and talked to him about being kinder to mom. I remind him that she loves him, and he loves her, and that we all need to be patient with her. That it takes her a while to process questions and he just needs to give her time and space. The carers have reported that they haven't had any fights this whole week, so it seems to be working. It's just so frustrating and overwhelming watching both my parents lose their lovely minds and personalities.

eaglemom

I am glad that the walks (distraction) have helped the situation. However, as we all know things can change on a dime. You are trying to explain things to your father whom has dementia about your mother whom has dementia. That is a bandage on a terrible situation.

You can always call the ALZ Helpline 800-272-3900. Ask to speak with a care consultant. 

eagle