Lost and confused(1)

Hollythepuppers

My dad has not been diagnosed with Alz or dem.  He has had multiple strokes and 2 hrt attacks previously.  He has diabetes(uncontrolled) and has had a tramautic childhood.  He will not willingly talk to his doctor about anything.  We have no diagnosis and dont understand what is happening.  He thinks my mom is having affairs.  He sees stuff that is not there and is verbally abusive to her.  He keeps saying he wants a divorce and he is moving out to get his own place and go have fun.  He is fully functioning he just doesnt drive due to a boot on his foot.  He needs counseling but thinks they need marriage counseling becuase it is not his fault.  The affair issue has been going on for awhile now but it keeps getting worse.  He went years for awhile where there was no talk of it but now its every day he is accusing her.  We have tried to talk with him logically but it just keeps going in circles and goes no where.  Its like living Ground Hogs Day.  My question is has anyone experienced this?  It seems like he has most of the symptoms of ALZ.  He does have short term memory loss and repeats questions alot.  I don't know where to turn and my mom has tried to talk with his dr but it makes things worse for her.  Everyone is out to get him.  He put another lock on his shed the other day.  He doesn't trust his own family.  I am so lost.. Thank you

M1

Hi Holly and welcome, sorry you are having such a tough time.  It sounds like he probably has more advanced disease than you think--this is common, it tends to sneak up on us.  But it sounds like he is in fact delusional and paranoid.  He could almost certainly benefit from antipsychotic medication for this, though I realize it may take some effort to get to that point.

Do you trust the doctors he has?  If so, remember you can always give them information, even if they may be restricted from giving you feedback because of HIPPA laws.  Does your mother--or anyone--have healthcare power of attorney for him, or general power of attorney?  If not, you all may need to consult an attorney sooner rather than later, as he likely is not be competent to make decisions for himself.  If he is presenting a danger of becoming violent, you should call 911 and ask to have him taken to an emergency room for evaluation, and ask for a geriatric psychiatry consultation, he may even need admission to get diagnosed and straightened out.  You may need to take videos of his abusive behaviors to show to people.

Good luck, but don't wait for a crisis to take some action.   You might want to consider calling the Alzheimer's hotline for advice, 1-800-272-3900.  Ask to speak to a care consultant, there is no charge for thius.

RobOT

Hi Holly.  This is so hard, and like M1 said, dementia sneaks up on the family until all of a sudden, everything's out of whack and out of control.  I second and third every single thing M1 said.  Please don't wait for the crisis--this is a when, not an if.  It sounds like your mom's in danger of your dad acting out, and I would take action to protect her.  Your father needs a diagnosis, he may have vascular dementia rather than ALZ, which may mean different medications.  It sounds harsh to call 911, but that may be your only path to getting him help.  Make sure you have video of his anger and abuse, as this is absolute proof that he's a danger to others, and perhaps to self.  Right now, with covid, the medical system needs hard evidence that someone needs to come in.  Hope this helps some, good luck and stay safe.

Quilting brings calm

Since he says that they need marriage counseling, use that as the excuse to get him to the doctor.  Tell him this exam is part of the counseling process.  If you go to a geriatric psychiatrist, that will be easier to pull off as he will expect there to be counselors on  staff there.  The doctor or nurse might not be able to talk to you, but they can listen to what you have to say before an upcoming appointment.

M1

That's a great idea Quilting---might just work

anw123

Hi Holly,

I just posted a similar situation without seeing your post first. May I ask how old your father is? My mother who is having similar issues is 67 and I am at a loss of how to proceed because I fear if I intervene without her consent then she will no longer trust me or accept help from me. 

Hollythepuppers

he is 72.. Thank you everyone!  I will discuss this with my mom and family.