Heartbreaks, Big and Small

Jeff86

Some days, it’s hard to experience anything but loss.

At breakfast this morning, I served my DW her usual yogurt.  (It’s the default drug delivery system ever since she refused to take meds directly.)  She picked up the spoon and put the handle end of it in her mouth and attempted to sip through it, as if it were a straw.  Needless to say, it wasn’t terribly effective.

And did you know that today is National Word Salad Day?  No?  Well, that is what we appeared to be celebrating here.  Endless flow of words without meaning; I just go along with what’s said, but can’t understand or interpret it.

But then there was this piercingly clear communique:  “I don’t know anything any more.  I don’t.”

And this brief dialog:

“I wish my husband would come home.  We need him.“

“Well then, who am I?”

“I don’t know.”

Maybe it’s the winter doldrums.  Even the dog is discouraged.  This snow loving golden retriever tried to venture out into the chest high snow and, discouraged, turned tail and came right back into the house.  Two feet of snow and still coming down like it’ll never stop.

So a few thoughts of gratitude, not to fall into total despair:

DW is still verbal

DW is never angry or aggressive.

We have a roof over our heads and enough to eat and I don’t worry about paying for DW’s future care.

I still find the world endlessly interesting, whether it’s politics or the arts or sports or people.

I will wake up tomorrow and think of lines from a favorite hymn:  “The cold, dark night is over...a new day has begun.”

Joe C.

Jeff, I feel your pain. Things are pretty much the same here. I was having a particularly difficult time getting DW getting DW to shower the past few weeks until she told me she did not want to undress in front of those people, our reflection in the vanity mirror. I got some suction cup hooks and hung curtains on the mirror so I can close them when she shows. Saturday’s and this mornings shower were much less challenging but she still hates getting wet.

LadyTexan

Hugs to you both. Best wishes for better days tomorrow.

SuzzeeQ

I'm new on here, sadly. I'm looking for an in-person support group, but there are none because of Covid. It's very isolating. All you spouse caregivers are remarkable & I don't know how you do it because I couldn't do it anymore and placed DH in memory care two weeks ago. It was an agonizing decision for me. I miss our old life before dementia stole him from me.

M1

Let's start an I Hate February club and I want to be the charter member. Sorry Jeff. Sometimes it's the little things that get us. But I agree with you 100 percent, the world is infinitely interesting and I am fortunate. I heard a wise woman say that it's the shadows that make the colors bright. Life and good paintings have both, don't they....

Beachfan

And I don’t have to remind any of you that tomorrow is Ground Hog Day.......again.

Hang in there, everyone.  

abc123

Jeff, I'm sorry about the yogurt and the word salad. Big or small, a loss is hard for me to accept. 

Dear SuzzeeQ, don't be so hard on yourself. I bet you did the best you could for as long as you could. I truly respect and admire caregivers who have the courage to place their LO. It's a decision made out of love. You put his needs above your wants. You are a brave woman.

ElaineD

Dear SuzzeeQ.  Welcome.   I'm at the starting stages of this journey, and you have come so far already.  But I think we can give each other support.

The one thing I know is that grief just keeps happening.  Each time my DH has another change or loss, I grieve what I've lost in his companionship.  And yet some how I never get used to the grief.  

I also struggle with 'guilt'  from time to time.  I have shared my life with my DH for 58 years, and yet try as hard as I can, I can't 'save' him from the dreaded disease of dementia.  So I have some survivors' guilt.  And I feel resentment because his losses frighten me, and also guilt because I have so often become short tempered and angry with my DH.

I especially feel fear because my DH is MY CARETAKER.  I am severely physically disabled, and DH helps me all day long in big and little ways.  And now I have been diagnosed with Macular Degeneration and have begun the injection treatments.  I may become legally blind in the next 10 years, and my DH certainly won't be able to help me then.  I try not to dwell on my fears.

On this forum I often I hear so much guilt and feelings of failure when the LO is placed in MC or some other care setting.  It moves me to tears when these brave, caring and very human caretakers are in pain even when they've done so much, gone to almost any lengths, often sacrificing their own health, to care for and to love their LO with dementia.

I have often heard the caretaker wishes the move of their LO to MC had happened sooner, especially when the LO is actually content in MC, AND when the caretaker realizes the degree to which he/she is exhausted.  I don't think I've ever known a caretaker who thought the move to MC was too soon.

But the pain is intense, no matter that it was the right decision. 

So often in life the choices we have are only painful.  Doing the right thing is often the hardest thing to do.

SuzzeeQ, you have so much to offer from your own experience, and perhaps you will find some comfort here for the next stages on your journey.

Love, Elaine

SuzzeeQ

Jeff, thank you for the kinds words. I appreciate it & so needed to hear something kind.

Jeff86

SuzzeeQ wrote:

Jeff, thank you for the kinds words. I appreciate it & so needed to hear something kind.

Just to give credit where credit is due—those kind words were from abc123.

That said, I’m in full agreement with those sentiments.  The hardest decision any of us makes as a caregiver is to seek placement.  The fact that you agonized over it shows how much you cared, and do care.  I think choosing placement takes great courage, every bit as much as choosing to continue to care for a LO at home.

I miss my old life, too.  Because I miss my wife.