Living in the Eternal Present

Jeff86

Yesterday, I took DW to a new primary care physician.  The doctor’s practice includes caring for many dementia patients and, when the time comes that DW has greater mobility issues, the doc will make home visits.  She is also part of the local community hospital’s palliative care practice.  Anticipating the future, I want the right/best care team in place I can find.

The doctor was very patient, and gave us a lot of time.   She asked DW a number of questions, virtually none of which DW could answer.

Among the things DW does not know:  the name of the town we live in, whether or not we have a pet, where the kids live, what degrees she holds, what she likes to do, her favorite food....

I find it hard to wrap my head around what that must be like.  No sense of the past, no future.  I suppose one can say it’s the ultimate example of living in the moment.  But with what sense of identity?  What grounding?

If prior DW could see present DW, she would shake her head, and weep.  It takes an effort of will for me not to do the same.

David J

I doubt DW could answer those questions either. Last visit to the neuro in December, he asked a bunch of similar questions that she could not answer. She didn’t know her last name or maiden name. Even though we have been actively following politics, she could not say who was President, and when asked “is it Trump” she adamantly and disgustedly said NO. Well, she was half right since this was after he was defeated. She couldn’t name Biden either.

I also try to imagine what it must be like to have no memories of the past and no hopes for the future. No ability to lose herself in a book, her major recreation for decades.  The only thing that keeps me from crying is that I’m too busy to wallow.  I have a full time job as caregiver, no time for useless wishes for what can no longer be.

Dave

Arrowhead

My wife wakes up about 6:00 in the morning and we eat breakfast after 8:00. Before 9:00, she has forgotten that she had breakfast. I often wonder if she realizes she has been awake for 3 hours, or if she thinks she has been up for less than an hour.

ElaineD

I'm curious.  When your LOs are asked a question, like 'what town do you live in?" and they don't have an answer, does it bother them?  Do they think they should know?

My DH doesn't seem the least bit worried about what he has forgotten at the time he's forgotten it, whether it's what came in a box he just opened, or that we once took a trip to Germany, or when his appointment is. 

But my DH had a friend call today, concerned because his wife is worried about his memory.  I said, well he could have neuropsychological testing.

My DH said, well what would that do?  I said that the test would measure his memory and what areas have deficits.

Again, he asked me 'WHAT would that do?'   

He meant, what would the treatment be as a result of the test.  When I realized that was his question, I said well medications could be prescribed..

My DH said, medication can't help his memory loss.  My DH was rather angry with me and rather angry about my suggestion that medication would be prescribed.  I didn't argue with him about that, because, by and large I think he's right.

I think this is a reflection of my DH's own concern about his own memory loss and that nothing can be done.  And yet, he never talks about it, and seems unconcerned.

Perhaps he isn't so unconcerned, after all.  

I just never know what he's thinking..

Elaine    

aod326

I always found it so hard when I was with DH and he couldn't answer those sort of questions. Or the neurologist holding up a pen and saying "what is this for?". I knew that DH didn't know the answers, but somehow actually hearing a series of questions he couldn't answer made it more real.

I agree Jeff, "old DH" would be horrified if he could see himself as he is now. It's a dreadful disease, for all concerned.

Jeff86

Good question, Elaine.  My DW seems unconcerned by the things she does not know, basic as they are.  She simply turns to me for an answer.

To me, it’s another indication of how broken her brain is, or perhaps of how far the AD has progressed.  Old DW would be appalled, disturbed, maybe even traumatized to not know such basic things.,  I suppose it’s a mercy of sorts that she is not distressed by her limited awareness.

Rescue mom

ElaineD and Jeff, my DH is the same. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all to not remember or forget quickly. He may say nothing, or just shrug it off casually like “oh, guess I forgot,” just much like I might say, oh, I forgot to wear a necklace today. If somebody else asks him anything, he says “ask her,” (me).

 He can’t answer those doc/neurologist questions either, and shows no regret or problem with it.  He did get mad one time when the doc told him to quit looking at me for answers. But he was mad about the order, not the forgetting (and when he does get mad or upset, it’s very obvious).

 If an activity confuses him or he does not remember how, he  just walks away and leaves it, or won’t even start. Doesn’t seem upset, just seems like (whatever it is) doesn’t exist. I don’t know if he “realizes” it or not, but it sure doesn’t seem to bother him.

That’s why I sometimes do a mental eye roll when other caregivers say  “when you feel bad, remember they feel even worse,” or “imagine how bad they must feel” about their forgetting/inabilities. I know some PWD do feel bad about lost abilities. But not all do. Mine certainly does not seem to care a bit. 

And yes, I do think this former CEO would be upset if he “knew” his condition. He would never just sit around and watch like he does, he would be appalled at people who did that. As said, it may be better for him not to know.