Do you give in?

Blithe418

My mom is currently at a stage where she is suspecting my father of infidelity (which we know is not true).  She wants to tell everyone and anyone and wants to show the world who he is.  We've been having a hard time with this and are trying our best to redirect and distract, but she is obsessed with this situation. We are trying to get her to come to our homes, but she refuses unless he goes.  I know that my dad needs a break as well, but its so hard because of her "distrust" in him and has sometimes made indirect threats to him. Have any of you experienced resistance, and at what point do you do what you need to do for their well being as well as those around them?

RobOT

Hi Blithe, sorry you're dealing with this, it's one of the tough ones.  (Like it's not ALL tough).  In my experience, the ones of us that ask this question have already waited too long.  With my father and mother, her dementia crept up on us, and she had been emotionally abusing him for years.  Same stuff, except it was me, their daughter that was sleeping with HER husband.  The problem is that even if your father can take this verbal/emotional abuse, it might also progress to physical abuse--my mother, who cold barely stand up, kicked my father in the chest and broke his sternum.  All that aside, if what you're looking for is a rest for your father, there are respite options at local skilled nursing or board and cares.  Your father could walk in the front door with her, and keep walking right out the back while she's distracted.  Then, of course, there's dealing with her when she has to come home.  After the kicking incident we put my mother in a board and care, where she passed after about seven months.  We all felt horrible about putting her there, but she did all right, and dad got the rest and care he needed.

Blithe418

Hi RobOT, 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of  that.  I can only imagine how hard that was, and i Thank you for sharing this information.

  I know it gets more difficult for my dad as time goes by. It seems like mom changed from one day to the next, but we can't be sure of that.  I'm always trying to find ways to comfort her, but I know that some things are more demanding.  I will for sure keep an eye out for dad and Increased aggressiveness on her side.  It scares me to think how this can affect her (decline even more due to her stress, obsession and anger) and my dad as well.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. Thank you, and take care 

harshedbuzz

I looked at it thusly- my dad's dementia was a fatal diagnosis. I knew I was going to lose one parent to this terrible disease but I was damned well not going to let it take the other as collateral damage. 

When dad started with this nonsense around my mother, I was able to redirect with flattery laying on thickly how "sexy and wonderful he was and how no other man would do after having sampled his magnificence" which worked coming from me or his brother, but not her. He also used to accuse me of stealing from him, early on I would just apologize and move on. Later, as he became more impaired I could just change the subject.

I also made sure mom got breaks- often I took dad to his appointments so she could be alone in the house and we arranged a HHA 3x a week so she could have some time off. Dad resented her going out, but oh well. 

Medication helped, too. His geriatric psychiatrist put him on a lose dose atypical antipsychotic which dialed back the anxiety that drove a lot of this crazy insecure behavior.

Suzzin

My mom went through a month of rages, including the infidelity rant, until we found a dose of medication that worked for her. She's not sedated, in fact when we get the balance right she's more clear-headed than when she's not on medication. It just seems to take the edge off the anxiety and fear, which helps us all.

LaurenB

Good idea Suzzin.  The accusation could be a form of anxiety.