Caregiver Depression(1)

LicketyGlitz

I've been in a slump making thing's kinda rough 'round here. Caregiver depression has been slowly eaten away at me...

Apathy & Despair: A Dementia Affair

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/apathy-despair-dementia

 

 "C'mon" she said and took my hand.

https://www.stumpedtowndementia.com/post/dementia_sorrow

M1

Oh, lickety. 

I'll add one to your list of possible things to try: light therapy. Maybe you're seasonal. Northern lights sells full spectrum lights for about $100. Maybe no accident this is hitting you in February. 

Beachfan

Hi Lickety,

I am worried about you!  You are usually able to pull yourself (and the rest of us) out of the day to day doldrums associated with our lot in life.  You have given yourself a number of "solutions", which we all recognize are not wise, nor will they work in the long run.  I consider you a friend, although we've yet to meet, and so I will go WAAAY out on a limb here, and offer a thought.  Do you think it's time to re-consider placement for your mom?  I have always maintained, and I will tell anyone who will listen, that if I place my DH, it will be for me and not for him.  Selfish?  I think not.  He is well cared for, well loved, comfortable and content.  He has the proverbial world by the "a$$" and is happy as a clam.  He is an easy PWD, but his maintenance requires 24/7, 365 constant supervision and physical assistance from me and it can be exhausting.  I fantasize about taking the grands by plane to visit their cousins across the country, or spending a day at the beach with a good book, or meeting my friend for lunch and golf.  For now, there are no issues.  COVID keeps us close to home and we have family within walking distance for entertainment and diversion.  But I have done my research and if the day comes......... I will not look back and woe to anyone who judges me.  

Just some food for thought.  You can tell me to go float; I will not be offended.  Good luck and hang in there.  BTW, the days are getting longer.  All is not lost.  

KatieKat1

Lickety,

  I have been following you for a while on this Alzheimer web site and on stumpedtowndementia.com.  After reading your post I actually started to cry.  I feel much like you do many times and today it was a particularly hard day for me in caring for my DH.  Sometimes crying can make me feel better because I am letting out so much emotion.  I am a sole caregiver of my husband who also has Primary Aggressive Aphasia.  He is 81 and I am 75.  I would like to feel I am a young 75 but the caregiving wrecks havoc on me more so emotionally than physically.  My husband has had this disease for 4 or 5 years now and I never know what a day will bring since the disease is unpredictable as far as how it affects different individuals who have this.

When I read your second link this is when the tears came to my eyes because to me your mom does understand in her own way how you feel.  I do have my daughter that understands what I am going through but I am not sure how much my DH understands since he is in a world of his own and it seems when I am stressed out the most he goes on in his own world and does not recognize how I feel.  Not that I want him to have any more stress than I am sure what he is feeling with his anger and anxiety issues.  Trying to keep him calm is my main goal each day since he is cared for in all other ways.  It is not easy for us to remain calm and not show stress because there are those days when nothing goes right and I have had plenty of them as I am sure most all caregivers experience.  I ask myself how long will this go on and will I survive it all.  Then I think about my daughter and grand kids and know that I have to keep going and be strong.  This is my motivation!

To be honest, things seem much worse since this Covid business.  I could take my husband out sometimes but he would never wear a mask and that creates other issues for those people we would deal with in public.  He does not walk well and is not fond of long car rides so that makes things a bit hard on me also. 

My doctor upped my medication for depression and anxiety without question.  She is fully aware of what I am going through since she was the first one that knew my DH had some issues by not remembering much of anything when she spoke to him and then referred him to a Neurologist. I am not sure how much the depression medication helps me but this is about all I have for now other than the few times during the day I might get some time to myself to get refreshed, even if it means sitting outdoors in the colder weather just to breathe in the brisk air and meditate for 10 minutes or more if I get that luxury.

 In so many ways you have been an inspiration for me because you seemed to take some of the difficult days and find some humor in them.  March 14 we change our clocks and this will help so many folks who are also affected by SAD.

My hopes are that you will be okay and maybe can find something to pull you out of the sadness you feel.  Maybe less care giving .... like half days and going on a vacation for a few weeks when the time is right for you. I am not a great one for solutions but you have done so much for so long and hopefully there will be something that can make things better for you.

RobOT

Dearest Lickety, I was going to say we're twinning, but that would be leaving out all the other caregivers around here that are suffering with us.  I worked for thirty years in skilled nursing, and every time the family of a ninety-something dementia patient with "behavior issues" talked with me I would zone out for a moment and think "Oh, no, oh please, not me, not mine".  Well, here I am.  Yesterday Dad turned ninety-five.  We had a birthday dinner of his choice (hot dogs) and a couple of gifts of a puzzle and a new hat.  He cried, he was so grateful, hugged and kissed my son and me, and for a moment, I felt like something was okay with my world. Then I asked myself, am I that mean?  That grouchy that a couple of hot dogs and a cheap hat made him cry?  I didn't sleep because of it.  (Sound familiar, anybody?) This morning everything was back to normal--his bathroom was smeared, bed soaked, and he didn't want to take his medicine.  

I have honestly come to believe that many caregivers are suffering more than their LOs.  (This is not my training, God help me.  I'm the idiot that will lay down my life for a lizard crossing a busy street)  Only one of my father's doctors has expressed sincere care for me past my ability to care for him. The crap never ends!  Last week, while driving back from someplace, he opened a bottled milk shake in the car with me telling him not to.  While turning to say something to me, he spilled it EVERYWHERE, and then smeared his feet around in it to "mop it up".  I really scared myself that day, because my first thought wasn't about the spill.  I thought if I just stop this car, walk out in that field and shoot myself, I will feel better.  I doubt I would ever do that, but just hearing it in my head scared me.  (And I didn't have a gun.)  

I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant, but sometimes things need to be said.  Lickety, I'm glad you're feeling a little better than how you were when you started that post.  Journaling works for me, and I don't delete.  I want to see where I was and where I'm headed.  Vent on, and be kind to yourself.  Whatever else is going on, you are truly appreciated for your ability and willingness to express how a great many of us feel.  And I luxuriate in your humor.

LicketyGlitz

I am overwhelmed with every single one of you sharing your story and your complete understanding of ours. This posts seems to have struck a chord with a lot of caregivers as I have been swept up in a wave of personal stories and empathy and hope over the internets in response, and it makes me feel good to know I'm not alone and that you all are rooting for us.

If I have not made it clear in the past, I'm rooting for all of you too.

M1 - I haven't tried light therapy! Thank you for the suggestion.

Beach - No offense taken! The Other Girl and I talked about trying memory care again a couple of months ago and it still doesn't feel like the right solution for our family. But never say never in dementia! We know we gotta a Hail Mary if we need it.

Katie - Humor hasn't completely abandoned me. Today I told Mom it was time to start Christopher Walken to the van and if she gave me any guff I was gonna do some Janet Yellen at her. And then I laughed and laughed! (She dementia ignored me and wouldn't crack a smile - as she should when I make dumb jokes.) And I've got a request to do a med review with my primary care doctor.

RobOT - As you take the time to read my dementia rants when I put them up here, I will read your's anytime. Besides, they made me smile at you and your dad's expense... Oh! I've BEEN THERE with the milkshakes thrown around the car! And our mom too would most likely be happy with hot dogs for the rest of her life, well, maybe interspersed with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

You guys are a blessing to me. No kidding. I really mean it.

Sunshine days

Dear Lickety,

 I am absolutely there with you my friend and fellow dementia warrior /victim. I just recently began to think of myself as a victim of dementia as well as my mom....and I don't like the term or thinking of myself that way but there is just no denying it. Things are really taking a quick downhill tumble with my mom, her 3rd ED visit for falling and I now have to consider placement somewhere other than her Assisted living facility. God bless you for your sense of humor that remains intact regardless of your circumstances and lifts our spirits even if only briefly. Sending you a big hug. Hang in there, what other choice do we have?

Abuela

Whoa.  Been there Lickety.  Glad you are 'back'.  Was worried about you.  In another part of my life I read a lot about how to cope with addiction (our daughter had an eating disorder).... Not referencing your post about drinking... but using this helpful strategy in other parts of my life has usually helped. It's called 'Acting as if'.... So you act as if... as if we are not in an epidemic, as if mom is not suffering from dementia... as if.... fill in the blank. As if life is normal.   And sometimes that mantra helps me to get to the other side of the depression/guilt/sense of isolation.   It can get me through an hour, a day or a longer stretch... but it has helped.  It's not pretending the problem does not exist, but it's acting as you would if life were 'normal'.   Offering it to you as maybe another arrow in your quiver.   Hang in there.

Flowers6strong

I have seriously cried all day long. I feel so trapped. My kids probably think I’m losing my mind which I might actually be....

Marta

Flowers:  I recommend that you start your own, new thread by clicking on the button at the top of the page.

tennisgal2017

I feel the same way past few weeks. It has made it hard for me to work from home.

LicketyGlitz

Sunshine, we too have been through the tumbling down days, they suck! We couldn't take our eyes off her for a second or she'd suddenly be flailing around on the floor like a beetle on it's back. We have been out of 'em for a few months now, but I suspect they'll be back. We were kidding each other about getting her one of those bubble shields that they've designed for social distancing, thinking if she fell she'd just bounce right back up! I seriously doubt they work that way but it was an opportunity for a bit of a giggle during a really stressful time.

I hope you find a great new place for your mom.

LicketyGlitz

I read your recommendation a couple of days ago, Abuela, but didn't have time to respond. But I've put it into practice a couple of times, once it worked great and the other time dementia was not having it! However I'll take those 50/50 odds! Thank you for the new arrow in my arsenal.

Sunshine days

Hahaha....Yes, Lickety they surely do suck!

I love your idea about the bubbles, maybe someone can patent something similar for 

fall protection someday.

Thanks for the chuckles once again and the well wishes for my situation. We have actually found a really wonderful place, and I am so glad they had availability for mom.

 It is still so heartbreaking though and so different for her, especially because her beloved cat cannot go with her....Any ideas from anyone who has dealt with that type of situation before?! 

We moved her in today because time was of the essence and I felt like I did on my childrens' first day of school....ugh. So hard! 

I hate this disease SO much!

LicketyGlitz

That's awesome, Sunshine. And I too felt like a parent leaving their child at their first day care. It took a couple of weeks for that to wear off when we went to an adult day center.

Hey, I don't see that many caregivers posting about these but when I do it's been an absolute success with their dementia person, the interactive companion cat (they have kittens too for about $40 cheaper). Would that be worth a try for your mom?

https://www.amazon.com/Ageless-Innovation-Companion-Lifelike-Realistic/dp/B017JQQ01A/ref=asc_df_B017JQQ01A/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198094601269&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15886476337131451062&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032862&hvtargid=pla-367817232708&psc=1

Sunshine days

Thanks so much for that idea, Lickety.

I'm told my mom was crying and upset last night asking about her cat, so the staff gave her some kind of stuffed cat that that they borrowed from the Memory Care wing so I will go over and see what it is but an interactive one (if it isn't that ) sounds amazing!

My mom is still cognizant enough that she will know it isn't real and all, but hey it's worth a try! This is a brand new (really rotten) normal so we gotta just do what we can do and hope and pray for the best...

Thanks again and God Bless!

Sunshine days

M1,

Great suggestion about the light therapy in winter! I have one that I turn on first thing in the morning and I swear by it! I  got it on Amazon several years ago and it lifts my mood and gives me energy. I definitely have some degree of SADD anyway but since becoming a caregiver it has worsened. Covid doesn't help either...

May God Bless us everyone! 

Amyjane

Hello I am new here. I am the full-time caregiver to my mother in law. We moved her into our home November 2020 as she has gotten scared at her house even though her 28 year old grandson loves there too with little to any interactions with her. Always have fast food delivered and she would pay. He has a very inconsiderate habit of not paying for anything even when we used to go out as a family to eat. He doesn't pay bills or rent so the bills are paid automatically out of her social security checks each month. She asks about him often and wants to go "home" to take care of him and give him money for the bills and some spending money. We explain that home is with us we love her and she is safe with us. I have her on a routine schedule daily. And it works most of the time except for when it's raining or foggy or overcast she will start sundowning all day on those days. Evenings are hardest on her and us. Redirecting and reassuring always. There are times that here lately I can't let her have anyone to drink with meals as she will drink all of it and not eat. So I have to wait after meals have been eaten to have anything to drink. She says I treat her like a child and not an 82 year old woman. And she has pushed her food away and refused to take medication. She wonders in the night time and early hours in the morning.  We have cameras and a door chime to alert us when she has come out of her room which she does call her hotel or hospital room at times. Reassuring her thats her room every time. I'm so frustrated I cry because I feel like I'm stepping out of line towards her and I feel I am disappointing her son my husband his daughter and his brother. HELP