How soon to tell dad we are moving him to AL

blylepinkard

My 990-year-old dad has a diagnosis of VD and I have been his sole caregiver since my mother died 15 months ago. He lives in a condo near me and I have kept him there because of COVID, knowing that I would either have to get in-home care or move him to AL at some point. That time has now come. His delusions are increasing, his behavior is becoming erratic and he is more than I can handle alone. 

Thank goodness the COVID vaccine is now available and he has been vaccinated. I am moving him next week to a nearby retirement community with AL and MC. It is a lovely place and I feel great about the move - for him as well as myself. Fortunately his financial status will allow us to keep him there for as long as he lives.

I haven't had a doctor tell me this but I believe he must suffer from anosognosia. He thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and has no understanding of how much I do for him so that he can stay in his home. So of course he doesn't think he needs he needs to be in an assisted living environment.

I have taken him to visit the retirement home a few times and I showed him the apartment that is available and in some part of his brain at certain times, he seems to understand that he is moving, but he says he won't need to be there long. I think I will be able to coerce him into going there next week by saying I want him to try it out but it won't be easy.

My question is, how soon do I give him a move-in date? Now? The day before? The day of? He may or may not remember it if I tell him now but I have some angst over waiting until the day of. What is the right way to handle this? When he has a doctor appointment, I usually tell him the night before because he will forget or if he remembers, he will be agitated. This is a much bigger deal than a doctor's appointment and I want to do the right thing. Thanks for any feedback. I have learned so much following the many wise people in this group.

Marta

My advice would be to not tell him at all.  Say you are going to lunch (I am sure that can be arranged) and let the staff do the rest.

terei

IMO you do NOT tell him at all. Get him in the car.  If he asks where you are going, tell

him you are going to lunch(arrange to arrive for him to have lunch)If he doesnt ask, there

is no need to say anything.

After you are there + if you have to take him to his room, tell him the dr has said that he

is at this ‘fancy rehab center’ until he is feeling much better + leave.  The MC people have been through this over + over.  

Take their advice about whether you should visit immediately thereafter or whether they

think you should wait + for how long...which may be a week or move.   

You may be surprised at how content he is with the attention he is receiving + meeting new

friends.    If he does ask when he is going home, attribute the whole idea to the doctor + stress

that it is up to him + not you.

dayn2nite2

No discussion.  Take him on move-in day, allow staff to acquaint him with the place while you do paperwork.  Leave.  Come back when you are going to visit and tell him there was a giant flood at his home that will take a long time to repair.

blylepinkard

Wow  a consensus! I won't tell him ahead of time! I trust all of you who have been down this path before me. You've given me some peace of mind today. Can't tell you how much sleep I've lost over this move. Thanks to each of you who took the time to reply.

Cynbar

I agree, don't tell him before, it will upset him needlessly in the moment and he won't remember anyway. Once he's there, don't tell him it's permanent. Think of whatever excuse will work ---- his condo needs repairs, the doctor wants him to have rehab, or anything that might register with him ---- and then string it out. Tell him a few more days to work on the condo, and so on. His mind isn't working right, he is incapable of processing things like you do. He seems to be saying he won't need to be there long ---- agree with that and just extend the deadline. It's really all about kindness at this point in the journey, and upsetting him as little as possible.

blylepinkard

Comforting to hear it again. Don't tell him beforehand. Thank you!

MN Chickadee

Unless someone is early in the disease and will remember the conversation I also vote for not telling him ahead of time. What purpose does it serve other than upsetting him in the moment? We did not tell my mother ahead of time. Dad took her on an outing while my sisters and I packed up and moved her things into her new room. He "took her for lunch" at this place the "doctor recommended" and then we had no big goodbye. I slipped out unnoticed, he excused himself and let the staff take over. He left a written note for the staff to show her all week saying the doctor wanted her to stay there a few days and he would be back to visit soon and would call her soon. We spoke on the phone but didn't visit for quite a few weeks. This is a strategy that works well for some, not others. You'll find the right path for him. The first weeks can be really hard no matter what you do, say, or how far gone their memory is. It's a big adjustment that takes time. Most find calling it a temporary stay makes it easier on the PWD. Just come up with whatever will bring the most comfort to him and run with that. Use a simple fiblet, make it sound like not a big deal, and deflect and distract. When you visit early on it's nice to have some treats to throw a smoke bomb when talk of going home comes up. "I'm sure it won't be too much longer dad, just as soon as the doctor says it's ok/the condo is fixed/the cold snap passes/whatever. But look, here is something fun I brought!" Tasty treats, old family pictures to reminisce about, magazines he likes etc. I always slip out without a goodbye so as to not trigger a meltdown. The staff would step in, half the time mom forgot I was even there 5 minutes ago but if she was looking for me they would say your daughter had to step out for a phone call but hey how about a treat.