new on here , looking for advice

Superdave67

I'm new to this forum and I'm looking for phrases and words I can use with my DW with early stage Alzheimers. We seem to get into most of our arguments when I asked questions and I think I'm beginning to learn that I need to quit asking so many questions and start giving her choices and options. And I think I'm starting to understand by reading some of these posts that sometimes no reaction is the best reaction I am guilty of reacting to statements and actions way too quickly when it's really not a battle that's worth fighting.  I'm also guilty of being too quick to correct or ask why she is doing something that I know is being done wrong. I also need to learn how to diffuse a bad situation. I love her with all my heart and just want to give her the best care in the most respectful and loving way. So any advice of how to do or not to do something would be greatly appreciated. Thank You !

Ed1937

Hi Dave. Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Arguing with her will only make your life much harder. I'm giving you a link that will give you a great start on realizing how you should deal with the problems. http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf  

jfkoc

Sounds like you have already learned important things. I would add to always listen and to never ask why. When  you listen try to find the emotion behind the words.

Rescue mom

There quickly comes a time when it’s best not to give them choices, at least IME, with my DH with Alzheimer’s. Asking him to decide was too much for him. He got stressed and upset when he had to decide between different things. He was much calmer, and less upset, when I just told him what “it” was going to be, without him having to decide. It was harder for me, trying to decide or figure out, what he might prefer. But things were more peaceful overall when he did not have to make choices.

Whyzit

I agree with Rescue Mom. Choices only confuse, Whether we like it or not, as caregivers we increasingly are in charge of everything. Making decisions about what to wear, eat and do becomes our responsibility. That doesn’t mean being bossy rather it means consider LO’s preferences and needs in a gentle and loving way. You know what LO likes and dislikes. Just go with what is comfortable for both of you as much as possible. They thrive on structure. Surprises don’t work well.

I have a new collection of responses including: Hmmmmmm, oh my, oh dear, oh, it is ok, that has been taken care of, I’ll think about that, maybe tomorrow, and as many ok let’s do it as you can do. Deep discussions, debates and partnered decisions become history. It’s a major loss but it is reality. Make it easy for yourself, enjoy the sweet innocence and naivety that is emerging in your LO.

Welcome, we understand and share in your desire to do the best possible for your LO. You are in a good place here with lots of knowledgeable and caring people.

CStrope

You are definitely getting some good advice.  Correcting, questioning, and getting frustrated with your LO only causes more stress and problems.  It is not easy, but just going along and not pushing too hard will make everything so much easier for both of you. I said getting a diagnosis actually was a wonderful thing in some ways, because it helped explain so many things.  Now I'm able to approach things in a better way.  A way that will keep things stable and calm.....the best that you can hope for at this point.

Jeff86

Welcome Superdave.  You are working your way through coping strategies.

Some of us are further down this road than you are.  One of the things you’re learning is to get along in order to get along.  You’ll find yourself agreeing with things you don’t agree with because it’s better for your DW and, therefore, better for you.  You’ll find you can let go of things your DW does wrong that don’t matter.  My DW can’t distinguish between a facial tissue and a paper napkin, but does it matter that she reaches for a napkin to wipe her nose?

As for choices...at least further on....that becomes impossible.  That was first apparent with my DW when she couldn’t choose clothes.  Then, at a restaurant, she couldn’t choose what to eat, saying “You know what I like.”

Your heart is in the right place.  You will get more experience as a caregiver, and you’re already doing a great job.

Come back often.  Great people here who know what you’re going through.

Ed1937

A little more on choices. Let's say your LO has a bowel movement, but does not want to wash their hands. When they are done, instead of saying "Wash your hands now", give them a choice - "Do you want to use this soap, or this new good smelling soap we have?". I think having a choice is not seen as being told they have to do something, but it is suggesting that washing is proper and expected. And they are more likely to do what is needed. Also, as long as they are not too far progressed, having choices can give them a feeling of having control, instead of being told/forced to do something. Let's face it - they are always told what to do, and they resent that. But you have to be aware of when giving choices is in their, and your, best interest.

ElaineD

Dear superdave:  

I have found Natali Edmonds youtube videos very helpful.

 https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Natali+Edmonds

Elaine