Overwhelmed and new here

LJS45

My 85 year old mother has Alzheimers. She lives with her 80 year old husband (not my dad) who works 5 days/week so she is alone from roughly 8:30 am to 5:00 pm. About a month ago I got a call from her husband stating my mom no longer wanted to do the things they normally do, and he suggested some in home care was necessary. I told him I would visit  her the following day. I had not seen her in over a year (another long story) but spoke to her regularly on the phone. Everything seemed relatively in check for someone with Alzheimers. I did not notice any safety or concerning issues. Just some things coming out of her mouth that didn't make sense. I reported back to her husband and told him I would check on her every week. I have come to find out that she can't dial the phone. I always called her. Working on getting a different phone. I was shocked she was left alone 8 1/2 hours everyday with no ability to use the phone. She had also started picking at her arms her husband told me, but said she wouldn't let him treat/cover the sores. I covered and treated them when I visited but she may have very well pulled the bandages off when I left. She developed an infection that required antibiotics and it seems to be healing. Another time I took her to lunch and when we returned we were locked out of the house. She uses a garage door opener to walk the dogs and when we went to lunch we went out the front door and it automatically locked. Fortunately there was a side gate open that led to an open back door. Additional copies of keys have been made. I am also reaching out to neighbors informing them of my mom's illness and to call me or her husband if they notice anything unusual or concerning. When I told my mom's husband I was doing this, he stated that she's not going to like that. My mom is VERY controlling and well, just not very nice. If her husband starts to vacuum, she scolds him and tells him she already did that! So he just stops. She would never have a housekeeper or gardener and still does these chores on her own, although the house does need a thorough cleaning. Her husband has stated he can't do anything right in her eyes. Sadly, it has always been like this. I think I should be looking for some in home care a few hours a day but I know she will throw a fit. Her husband can't do it all and work full time. I don't know how much more he can take and she needs him now more than ever, but she just constantly berates him. I just don't know how to convince her that this is necessary. Any advice anybody may have would be much appreciated.

M1

Hi ljs, you've come to a good place to learn.  Read a lot of threads and you'll find a lot of useful information.

I'd be very concerned that her dementia is worse than you realise-perhaps worse than her husband realizes-and she is likely not safe to be left alone. That's common here, as it is for a spouse in denial to cover for someone's deficits. 

Then the question turns to who can make decisions for her since she may not be in a position to make them herself. Do you have her poa? Does her husband? She is likely to need someone to stay with her while he's working, or she may need assisted living or memory care. Not at all too soon to start these discussions. It sounds like he at least recognizes the need for home care since that's what he called you about. Don't expect her to agree and don't wait for her permission that will not be forthcoming.

Good luck-I'm sure others will have suggestions too.

LaurenB

Gah!  I had just written a lengthy message to you and it disappeared.  Anyway, welcome to the group.  You'll find lots of great conversation here on the message board as well as great knowledge on the ALZ.org site.  Definitely read the 36 Hour Day and find an online support group to go to virtually.  They are free and under the local resources tab at the top!

Lauren

LJS45

Thank you for your reply. 

I am working on finding someone to come in to the home. A lot of my concern too is that when she refuses to do something her husband just let's it go. As much as my mom's husband loves her, I don't think he's cut out to be her care provider. She's tough. 

I'm just happy I got an appointment for her to get her 1st dose of the covid19 vaccine today! Funny, what makes us happy these days.

King Boo

Research and find an adult day program for your Mom.  Give her husband 'permission' to do this - "I didn't realize how affected she was"  Tell your Mom "your doctors says you need to go here for a bit".

Meanwhile, there is going to be some major sort of crisis in the near future.  If you are able to research Memory Care facilities near them, and support her husband to choose one for 'just in case of future need' you will be more prepared when it all hits the fan.  As it inevitably does.

Your mother sounds quite cognitively impaired.  Neuropsychological evaluation with a PhD neuropsychologist can be helpful to convince her PCP and husband.  She is much further along than early stages with the behaviors you describe. Care needs only increase.  

I would also come up with a Plan B in case Mom gets placed in your court or you need to step in because of husband inaction if he is willing.  This would include finding a good MC facility near you, preferably one with a nursing home to absorb future care needs.

This would also involve the advisable step of knowing her finances and what is available to provide for her care.  

My main concern is that your mother has no ability to cope if she wanders, gets lost, goes walking outside without a coat in winter, cannot recognize scammers, etc.

Her difficult behaviors/anxiety sound pre existing and could warrant evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there is an medication to mellow her out and make her care easier.

Wilted Daughter

Welcome to the Forum, LJ. You are headed in the right direction with planning cleaning services. 

Since mom objects to someone else cleaning while she's in the house, can you take her out for a day or over to your house so a deep clean can be performed when her husband/your step dad is present? Perhaps you can schedule cleaning once or twice a month. Any thing she can do safely let her do. This is a journey with things changing sometimes suddenly. 

Also have you considered a "nanny cam" to keep an eye on things remotely. It may be helpful for times when she's home alone and most have two way audio. You can place in areas where she cannot take down. Hemivision provides good indoor/outdoor cameras at reasonable prices. You can purchase battery-operated (WiFi is required) to eliminate need for wires/plug in. This will give you peace of mind and it's simple to setup.

Hope everything works out in your favor!