Wants control back

ZoeyPB

My mom is 78, lives alone and was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in September 2020 but we definitely saw the signs way before she was diagnosed.  She broke her hip in March 2020 and my brother and his wife took over paying her bills (they are POA).  We found lots of things wrong with her bills such as multiple extended warranties, donating to everyone who asked for money, duplicating payments.  We got everything on track - changed her bills to go to post office box so she wasn't getting anything at home.  Its been building up that she doesn't get her mail and things are not getting paid (not true), but she is insisting to change her mail to be delivered to her home and is going to hire a lawyer to remove them as her POA.  She feels she is totally competent and can pay her own bills.  She cries every day and says how can they do this to me.  Its not their business where I spend my money, etc.  We talk her off the ledge everyday and she doesn't recall the conversations and it starts over again.  She thinks we are hiding her mail and she told my brother (who does EVERYTHING for her and has always been the golden child) that she never wants to talk to him again.   We don't know what to do and how to handle this.  We know she wont be able to pay her bills and we will be back to March 2020 and she will be in a financial mess again.  She is not going to let this go and is on a mission.  We get to a point that she agrees with us that everything we do is her nest interest and then something triggers her and we are back to the beginning.   I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.  Thank you

M1

Hi zoey. She probably has more than MCI, and I doubt that she’ll be able to muster the initiative to actually find an attorney. I would suggest just saying okay mom and let it go, dont change a thing. Don’t try to argue or reason with her, her brain is broken and you’ll just make her more upset. You can say things like “no one sends paper statements any more” and things like that. 

Good luck and welcome, this is not easy.

Jane Smith

Zoey, I see you are newly registered so I wanted to say hello and welcome. 

Sadly everything you describe is all too familiar to me, and probably many, many people here.

I would say that from the amount of cognitive impairment, lack of insight, anosognosia, and executive function impairment you describe, that your mother probably is beyond MCI and probably her current living situation/routine/level of support isn’t meeting her needs. I’m not criticizing you or your family, just suggesting that perhaps something will need to change. 

A lot of us have family members or other persons with dementia who talk about what they are going to do:  build the deck, organize the garage, move, take that trip, get that volunteer position, paint a portrait, get a lawyer to change their PoA/will, but it rarely happens.  They are just not capable. 

As far as this situation, perhaps you can address the emotions without getting into the particular financial details, reassure, and then redirect or distract. Mom, I know you are upset about your mail. I promise we will help you. I will look into that/take care of it.  I’m sorry you are so upset. 

I realise that is a lot easier said than done, and it’s definitely harder over the phone. 

It’s such a difficult stage when there is enough insight to have awareness that they know things are Not Quite Right, but also enough impairment/brain damage that they cannot safely take care of things on their own. Difficult for everyone!

Anxiety is also often a part of this stage so asking her dementia specialist, neurologist, or geriatric psychiatrist for a medication review may be in order. My mother had truly awful, soul destroying, unbelievable anxiety at this stage and once we got her meds straightened out, it was a massive relief for her. 

Finding a support group for yourself would be helpful. With Covid, there are more options than ever, since they are virtual from the Alzheimer’s Association. It can be really validating and relieving to talk to other people (even on zoom) who understand what you’re going through. 

It’s so hard and I’m sorry.

LicketyGlitz

Hey, Zoey, besides the great advice from Jane and M1, can you think of a way to give her some sense of control, appease the need without turning all her finances back on her? Would your brother be able to get all bills sent to him but have the rest of her mail go to her house? What about giving her petty cash to have on hand so she doesn't feel so dependent? Or a new account for her that only has so much money in it each month?

This stage won't last forever, if there's some way you guys can think of to give her a sense of autonomy that might help you all out a lot.

Good luck!

Mint

Don’t know where you live and what their rules are but I had no problem getting my mom’s utilities bills sent to me.  She gets all her junk mail.

Suzzin

I set up all my parents bills on auto pay, so I know they are paid on time. The bills still go to my mom and she has a stack that she can look through and "plan" to pay, which gives her a sense of control. 

If your mom is still writing random checks, maybe you leave her a checkbook with just one or two checks in it, but put it in a hard to find place so you can stall while you try to help her find where she put the checkbook. When she's out of checks, you can stall and say yeah they've been ordered, gosh the post office is slow, sure sounds frustrating I'll call the bank. It took only a month or so before my mom quit trying to pay things, but she still likes to look at the bills and statements as they come through.

ebplionis

That was my suggestion.  If someone has POA, have the bills and packages sent to them, and then let her continue to get the junk mail, and even call the junk mail folks you are worried about (excessive donations etc) to get her off those lists.  Then people can mail her birthday cards, or greetings again as well, and it'll bring some joy for her to open her mail and see those items, and it'll feel like one less thing she has lost control over.

Leesi

Similar to what Sayra, Suzzin, and ebplionis said, I only give my mom her junk mail now and cards from family and friends. I keep any bills and payment notices, as well as all insurance information because I know she will simply put it aside and neglect to pay it. She never asks for the bills, but I've also set up auto pay for most of her bills now. On the off chance that she does ask, I can simply show her the auto pay statement or a snapshot of the withdrawal from her bank account. I hate having to do this, it feels incredibly sneaky, but I also know that what I'm doing is ensuring that she maintains a roof over her head with her basic needs met. One step at a time.

windyshores

Same problem here. With my mother, it helps that I say I am her "executive assistant" and that I am working for her. She is the boss!

I have put almost everything online and she has slowly forgotten about bills but every once in awhile demands her bank statement (she calls it her checkbook). I print it out and bring it to her so she can see the balance.

She does still have a checkbook but at this point only uses it for Christmas and birthday gifts. She gets the date and amounts wrong and also writes duplicates. I tell her I will mail them 9she doesn't have stamps!) and then write the same check myself.

Money control is a really big part of autonomy. There have been times when I bring in a big bag of folders of her financial stuff and give it to her and tell her she can do it herself, or have me as her assistant. She is overwhelmed looking at it but reassured at the offer,  and I take it back home!

(=Meow=)

Money is always a thing with them.  I had to take away my mother's access to her bank accounts as she made a mess, and she's STILL crying about it 8 years latter.  I have to remind her *why* I took the accounts away - it calms her down for about a day, will forget all about them for a week or 2, then back on the war path.

You get used to it. 

Kim1966

I’m new to this group and it’s assuring to read the posts here. I have similar issues with my mom. She keeps asking me for her debit card back because she wants to buy Christmas gifts. I have POA because she made a real mess of her finances. I was thinking I’d give her some gift cards to use to the amount of $$ she spends is limited. She also donated excessively and buys random, unnecessary things on Amazon which is one reason I have all her credit cards, etc.

M1

Hi Kim and welcome.  Feel free to start your own thread--push the green "start topic" button near the top of each forum.  You'll likely get more reads and responses that way.

Lots of good informaiton here and many experienced caregivers who can help as you make this journey.....