Mom realizes she in decline and cry

laurie harris

My mom is at the stage where she is fully aware of the decline and cries about it. She will repeat herself  and ask what time an event is constantly. She is in an independent living facility that has additional care as it's needed. I don't know if I should correct her when she's wrong or just let it go since she doesn't remember from conversation to conversation. 

I was in her apartment for 3 hours yesterday and she has no memory of it at all. She cries that she is so bored and hates being home alone for dinner, then doesn't want to have dinner with others in the dining room. 

I don't know how to answer her - do I engage or just say I understand and move on? 

Any help is appreciated!!!

M1

Welcome Laurie. Does she seem depressed and or anxious? Perhaps a medication adjustment is needed? Just a thought. I wouldn't correct her on anything that's not a safety issue, as you say it's not going to stick.

LicketyGlitz

I agree with M1, laurie, she may benefit from a medication adjustment or addition. Have you talked to her doctor yet? Do you have access to a geriatric psychiatrist? They are experts on medications for folks with cognitive decline. As our geri psych doctor said when she prescribed a low-dose antidepressant for my mom, "She's got dementia. That's depressing."

My mom was similar to yours in her earlier stages. She didn't cry all the time, but sometimes. I would often just hold her because sometimes a good cry makes you feel better. And other times I would tease her gently out of it. Saying something along the lines of "Well, Mom, you're brain works differently now, so things are going to be frustrating, but we can't have you crying for the rest of your life. That's no way to go out!" That would work for my mom, but we're also a family who has used humor all our lives to get over the bad spots. If that's not the dynamic between you two it might go over like a lead balloon!

When it comes to how to answer your dementia person, you will get a lot better at it reading her mood and figuring out what to say to help. And if you're anything like me sometimes you'll get it completely wrong and make the whole thing worse, but often you'll respond in the best way possible because you know her inside and out. Trust your gut, and holler at us if it went sideways! That's what I do.

GothicGremlin

Hi Laurie -- do you know if your mom is in an earlier stage?  I'm guessing she is if she's in independent care instead of assisted living. I ask because I know for myself, I adjust how I relate to my sister as she declines.  In her earliest days, when she was really aware of her decline (like your mom), she'd also cry and wonder how she got Alzheimer's. Was it because she's a bad person and deserves it? Bad luck? And she'd ask those questions over and over again.  The way I handled it was to just let her talk and listen to her.  Mostly, she wanted to be heard and know that she still matters.  Maybe that's what's going on with your mom too? My sister was still capable of reasoning back then, so I was able to have reasoned conversations with her.

Also early on, I asked her if she wanted help with word finding (she also has primary progressive aphasia). She said yes, so that's what I do.  I don't correct her when she repeats or gets something wrong. It's not going to sink in, and will just frustrate her, so I just act like it's the first time I've heard whatever it is she's repeating and move on.  Sometimes it's so very difficult and I want to pull my hair out, but keeping her on an even keel means less frustration and fewer meltdowns, so I'm motivated to put up with it! 

Humor helps too. We always joke that if we didn't laugh we'd cry, so better to laugh.