Guilt for enjoying a break

lqadams

My husband, with Lewy Body Dementia, had an episode of cardiac syncope. Taken to e.r. Cardiac enzymes slightly elevated so kept him overnight for observation.  Because of Covid I was unable to visit him. I feel so bad, but it  was so wonderful to have the next day to myself, at least until discharge at 2:30. I even stopped for a glass of wine with a friend. It us just so overwhelming to always be with him. To never say "I'm going shopping, see you in a couple hours." I feel guilty for enjoying that brief time to myself.

Ed1937

Absolutely NO GUILT! You are not a robot. You are a human being who needs a break. Take whatever you can get.

Jane Smith

A really wonderful nurse and dementia educator told me something once that I’ve never forgotten. 

She said that as caregivers, we are susceptible to feeling guilty about things that are not actually worthy of guilt, usually because there are a lot of other emotions going on. 

She suggested saving guilt for when it’s deserved:  when you have deliberately taken an action you know will cause harm, like, robbed a bank, or stabbed someone (her examples!).  Otherwise, she suggested reframing it as regret, not guilt, or maybe even allowing the other emotions to be named.  I regret that I couldn’t take better care of my mother. I regret things that happened that I had no control over. I feel sad and angry and tired (and a hundred other feelings) when I think about her situation with dementia, but I didn’t make it happen and I didn’t do anything wrong.  

We did not give our loved ones dementia. You didn’t cause his cardiac problems, or Covid, or the hospital’s visiting policy.  Caregiving is exhausting under the best of circumstances. You had a little break, you were able to relax and maybe recharge, and there is nothing wrong with that. If as caregivers we don’t look out for ourselves, dementia will take us down too, because nobody else is going to take care of us!

Please be kind to yourself. 

Crushed

NO GUILT NONE

DO YOU DIG ME JACKSON !!!!!!

DON'T MAKE ME COME UP AGAIN

   Paraphrasing my mother

French

Last Time that grocery shopping, I stopped at a friend's house for coffee (a few months ago), I felt guilty because I had left him alone and I imagined him as usual doing nothing on his armchair. My friends answered me. Stay for a while. Where are the others? His children, his brothers and sisters. You do everything, you have the right to have coffee with your friends. 

Take every opportunity to do what you like, it's important. 

Whyzit

Dear Iqadams, My goodness what an attitude adjustment we sometimes need. You are special-a very loving caregiver. Celebrate your break, allow yourself to just breathe.

My DH was hospitalized for 5 days and then went to rehab for 5 more. It was wonderful! I slept, read, ate when I wanted, did nothing when I wanted and it rejuvenated me. I found myself again. I was missing without knowing it. I found joy in simple things that I had put on the back burner. Now I am in a better frame of mind and doing the caregiver role in a better way. I can smile again and I learned that taking a break is paramount to our survival. I don’t feel guilty, I feel alive again.

God bless you and your friend. Hope you can take a break together again soon!

lqadams

Thank you everyone. He was discharged Tuesday  afternoon,  so the daily grind started again yesterday morning.  New medications to help control fluctuating blood pressure. Now I am afraid to take him anywhere. Thank goodness he can stay alone for 30 minutes while I walk the dogs or I would go insane.

BethL

Ms. Adams, you enjoyed a brief "respite" and that is great. You deserve it. How about you schedule a respite in a facility for a weekend, 4 or 5 days, a week? An alternative could be to hire help in the house for 12 hours per day for a few days - that would give you all day for a few days to do what you would like to do. 

Remember to take care of yourself!