A roller coaster of emotions hit me like a train

LadyTexan

It's just after 9 am here in the Texas Hill Country. I've been out of bed about three hours now. I've already had a wide range of emotions and feelings.

1. Frustration - because my DH thinks he can do things independently but he cannot. As a result, I have quite a few messes to clean up.
2. Anger - at myself for getting frustrated with him about something that is not his fault.
3. Sadness - that he continues to lose the abilities to accomplish things that were once so simple for him.
4. Regret - that I am not more patient and loving and kind.
5. General Blue Mood - because it is cold and overcast outside.
6. Anxiety - because of the daily "little" unacknowledged expenses that dementia brings such as spilled sugar, wasted food, additional utilities for loads and load and loads of laundry. 
7. Self-pity - a wasted emotion in my opinion, that takes me deeper into all the others.

To try to stop myself from sliding down the dangerous slope into despair, I force myself to verbalize gratitude.

1. I am grateful that DH has confidence in himself and his abilities.
2. I am grateful that I can learn from these experiences and forgive myself for becoming frustrated.
3. I am grateful that my DH can still do many things, such as play with the dog and laugh (albeit less frequently).
4. I am grateful that I can change my actions and be more patient and more loving and more kind starting NOW.
5. I am grateful that I have shelter and warm clothes to wear. I am grateful the weather is dynamic and will change next week.
6. I am grateful that we have enough resources to take care of our needs today. I am grateful for the washer and dryer, and utilities to use them, including clean water.
7. I am grateful that I when I verbalize gratitude, I reduce my self pity and change my perspective on my circumstances.

I am mindful that my feelings are real and that it is important to feel them and acknowledge them. Thanks for your patience and understanding as I work through the crazy roller coaster of feelings that hit me like a train this morning.

I am thankful for all of you caregiver heroes. God bless you.

amicrazytoo

Well stated LadyTexan.  You described some of my days perfectly! Note: very grateful it's only some days...

Ed1937

Lady, I'm sorry it is so hard. I can say #1 and #3 apply to me as well. My wife is fairly easy to care for, so I consider myself a very lucky man. It's easy to understand where your emotions come from.

Lynne D

What a truthful and inspiring post. Thank you!

BethL

Good job, LadyTexan. I have heard that when you are down, do something nice for someone else. It could be as simple as writing a note to someone. Or you could give a larger tip than usual at a restaurant or hairdresser.

jfkoc

and sometimes the only thing I could do is to throw  in the towel....stop, bake chocolate chip cookies and watch a movie......

Joe C.

I find gratitude is the key for putting one foot in front of the other. Today I am grateful to my sister-in-Law who came over today to give me a break for a few hours.

M1

Thinking about you LT. February sucks, even in Texas. But those bluebonnet days are coming. Hang in!!

Mike&BrendaTX

Lady Texan,

Nice post.  I'm also here in the Texas Hill Country.  Since your post this morning, we have had an ice storm leaving all the trees beautiful.  I'm not sure whether that will cure the "blue" feeling or just make it worse because no one can go anywhere.  In any case, I wish you a happy day today and tomorrow.

Mike

DWck

The first 7 describe my days perfectly. The last 7 remind me of the reason I joined this group. 

Thank you for being there.

White Crane

Lady Texan, God bless you for reminding me that even in the midst of the roller coaster of emotions there are still things to be grateful for.  Thank you.

Ricsgirl

Thank you LadyTexan, this describes me perfectly.  Today I got upset with DH because of something he did, he thought he was doing a good thing, but in reality it was just one more instance of him making a situation worse.  Then I feel like an idiot because I know he can’t help it...in his mind he’s fixing things.  This is a struggle on a daily basis, and I think my biggest struggle right now is that I’m grieving for a lost future with my love.  

Stay strong, and know that you are not alone.  We are all here with you and support you.  Hugs!

Potsie

Everyone is so amazing! I don't know how so many can still care for their LO at home. My DH is in a MC facility and has been for a year and a half already. I wanted to keep him home through this journey but it was too difficult. He was very active and it wasn't safe. Now he can barely stand with two assist, is non verbal and I can't even turn him myself. I am happy to have him in a safe place.                                                                                                                   

It has been so good to read all the posts.  I don't feel so alone.

. 

CStrope

@Lady Texan, I think you pretty much summed up what a lot of us feel every day.  I know #1 and #3 are major ones for me.  

The other day, because DH tried to do something for himself, we had a huge mess at our house too.  Then he dripped water on the floor, and I didn't see it and fell.  Bruised my knee, arm, and shoulder.....and my ego.

I too just have to keep reminding myself he's not doing it on purpose.  Hang in there, we do the best we can.

Karingkat

Hi Lady Texan,

I'm new to this forum. Your message hit me like a train. I can totally resonate. Hope all is well with you today and your DH.

I do have a question. How do I get a connection/ invitee? I don't understand how to do this. Maybe I just did by replying to you lol. If u can help it would be greatly appreciated.

I'm in desperate need of support. My LO has Werneke's and its getting very challenging and I'm about to have a breakdown...

Hope to hear back from you.

Karingkat

Wow! CStrope. I have to say sorry for your slip and fall but it made me chuckle just a tad and I needed a lil laugh. Not at you but the circumstance. This will be long I will try to shorten it but it will be hard...This is what I want to share that is similar regarding messes. 

I came hm the other night from wk (its 12midnite),  to a river of soda spilled all over the counter under the toaster oven and when asked what happened my LO said " I don't know how that got there" which as u can imagine it got me ruffled under the feathers. I found a 2littervsoda bottle in the garbage basket that was cracked and had chunks of ice in it. So I brought it to his attention and then he said he left it on freezer. 

Now he cleaned it up. Not a biggy but the next a.m. I opened freezer to find chunks of Coca-Cola ice  everywhere. I told him & he cleaned it up. Then I come hm from wk that nite and find broken glass on the counters in the sink etc. Again he claims he didn't know how it got there. Ugh! It became a big fight cuz I found the culprit, a glass was in back of freezer that  broke in the soda explosion. He claims the soda bottle had exploded that a.m. at 5a.m. that the freezer door was wide open and the bottle on the floor...omg I said no you cleaned up the spill the night b4 & he was adamant that it was the nite b4. Also, he told his counselor that we started our day with an explosion cuz of a soda that blew up at 5a.m.

He makes me the bad guy and I know he can't help it but he thinks he's fine and is in total denial of his Wernikes encephalopathy since June of 2020. I'm so stressed and hurt cuz he doesn't trust my word. Just like his meds he says he takes them but I find them still in the pill boxes I set up for him every day. 

He fights me tooth and nail. So I found this site and hope I can get some tools and feedback. There's a whole host of crazy thongs he does. This story I just had to share. 

Hope I don't sound insensitive I'm a very caring loving person just running out of patience...

mommom9

Thanks for sharing. Totally agree

Iris L.

Karingkat wrote:

He makes me the bad guy and I know he can't help it but he thinks he's fine and is in total denial of his Wernikes encephalopathy since June of 2020. 

Welcome Karingkat.  Your DH is not in denial, he has anosognosia.  He is unaware and truly believes he is fine.  This won't go away.  You will learn work-arounds from the other members.

I'm so stressed and hurt cuz he doesn't trust my word. Just like his meds he says he takes them but I find them still in the pill boxes I set up for him every day. 

When we forget, it's like it never happened.  Never.  I can't tell you how many times I set out my own meds and forgot to take them, until I developed a sysyem.  But my system is still not 100% infallible.

 

He fights me tooth and nail. 

This is true.  If you challenge PWDs with anosognosia with an alternate reality, they will become upset. 

Iris L.

Memphisdee

Thank you for that!

Memphisdee

So true!  Or a glass of wine!