Newbie questions

selway

Hi, Folks -

I'm a newbie to the forum and to the world of dementia. My mother was diagnosed in January with dementia (no specific type) after an incredibly fast cognitive decline. She was able to host family at her house at Thanksgiving, attend Christmas fairly normally, but since then she has lost so much function. She often can't dress herself properly, she forgets to shower and brush her teeth, she forgets everything, can't follow conversations, reads things like the index in a book instead of the text (for hours), stares at a blank phone for hours. I have POA, and we are arranging a move to assisted living, since the current situation of family staying with her 24-7 is not sustainable. She's been told she can no longer drive. We're dealing, but it was all just so sudden.

So, it's all overwhelming, but I have a specific question regarding the internet. She still has a computer and smartphone. I want to let her still have activities she likes and be able to call people and play solitaire and so on, but when she's on the internet she ends up on random webpages, which aren't the ones she thinks she's at (she can't tell the difference between email, websites, and the phone keypad), and signing up for things, using her email. She's memorized her credit card number, so even taking the card away won't stop her from signing up for things that cost money. I wish there were a fake internet, like a room within a room, that would let her visit safe places and feel like she's really surfing, but prevent her from accessing pages that take her information. Does anyone have any insight on how to manage this?

RobOT

Do whatever it takes to change that credit card number or just plain stop it.

zauberflote

I agree with Rob re the credit card. 

Cruising the web-- there ought to be settings in a computer for parental control kinds of things. If you can get into her router, you can do it there too. The last time I looked at my router, you had to list each site NOT allowed, which was easy for my situation but isn't for yours. 

You can also put parental controls on her smartphone via the provider account, most likely. 

I have this dim dim memory from long ago about some specific service that did create a "sandbox" for your child to play in on the computer. Worth looking up?

You could cancel her phone account and use the phone as a "wifi only" device. If you'd limited surfing at the router level, that could work. You'd have to set the phone to make calls over wifi, and I don't actually know if that would work. 

The time will sadly come when these devices will have to "break and be in the shop" for long enough for her to forget them. 

My mom, who was a computer whiz back when you booted up with a floppy disk!!, lost her ability to understand the icons on the screen and know where they led (DSL speeds didn't help, and nor did Windows 10....). She was constantly locking herself out of her email, or the computer.... she resorted to her books, which gave pleasure for several years longer. Even staring at the same page all morning while napping was pleasurable, and after that she liked to have books around anyway. 

LaurenB

My husband set up an administrative account on my mom's computer so that she can't go to certain sites to be able to download apps without a password.  We also blocked sites that have software that allow other users to remotely log in.  I also blocked her phone from being able to check email.  She will need to go on to her computer to do this.  I have access to her email account and can delete emails that she will no longer need to have (e.g., her former profession) and can get rid of spam emails.  This allows her to only see what she needs to see when she remembers to check it (e.g., emails from friends and family).  I can also remotely log in to her computer to help her when she's become confused.

MN Chickadee

Hopefully you have POA and can take control of her finances. Even without you can probably manage to report the cards stolen so new ones come and make sure only you have them, or cancel them altogether. Also run her credit report with the 3 credit agencies, and then freeze her credit so there can be no funny business by scammers. If they got ahold of her address and other info someone could open credit in her name, so freezing it is your best bet and then nothing can be opened unless they have the pin number you will receive. At least if you do this she can't lose money. I don't know how you go about actually blocking most websites. I guess I would think about just disabling the wifi for the computer and changing her phone plan to not having data. If she can't tell the difference between phone email and websites she likely isn't getting a whole lot out of the internet experience anyway. She can still play solitaire and games on either device and call people. She will likely continue to struggle with technology and get to the point where the phone and computer are not worth the struggle, most PWD get befuddled with it to the point it is no longer appropriate to have around. This is very common, and many of us even have to remove the phone and TV because it becomes such an issue. So I guess my point is this problem will probably not last super long, soon it will be obvious she can't use it so don't sweat it too much AS LONG as the finances are not at risk.

jfscrub

Oh boy, I sure can relate.  Finally... my sibs and I got our mom a Grandpad.  It's a tablet that she can do crossword puzzles on and other activities, but also make phone calls and video calls as well as send and receive emails and pictures. It's made a world of difference.  I know there are other companies, but this is the one we chose. We pay the monthly fee and one of us is the administrator. So, you can allow, or not, internet access. We don't. She still has her flip phone, but really, she's not good at keeping it charged.

Good luck, I hope this helps

Emily 123

You can either cancel the card or put a limit on it, and I think there's a way to get an alert to your phone when charges are made. I had to hack all my Mom's accounts because she had locked herself out of everything.  Eventually was able to get everything sent to my address or email. I made her email filter send everything to junk that isn't from her contact list, and I put a VPN and ad/pop-up blocking extensions on her browser. You can set up her account to only accept certain cookies and that can help.  Have her history set up to delete the website history when she closes the browser (or after 1 day). May also be worth while going into any accounts she uses (Google, microsoft, etc) and setting up the privacy settings. There might be a child lock you can apply for her internet browser under the 'settings', and make sure she can't use autofill.  The website 'CNET' always has helpful suggestions.

harshedbuzz

As POA you not only have a right- you have a duty- to protect her interests. That means you need to do whatever it takes to protect her assets as she could easily fall prey to some sort of scammer. 

You should report the card missing today. Submit the POA and have yourself added to the card- which you hold- so that you can easily track her sundry expenses. 

As for the smartphone and computer, they'll soon be beyond her given your description. I might install a landline for phone service at the facility and set the computer to airplane mode. 

And you didn't ask, but she sounds beyond traditional hospitality model ASL. I'd look at MCFs.

Kaustin1741

It sounds like you may be at the its not working stage. We put mom’s smart phone out of sight and most of the time she doesn’t notice. She used to ask about her computer or iPad and we gave some reason why we couldn’t get it in that moment but would make sure we found it or got it fixed. Out of sight, out of mind. I would also change the credit card number.

LovemyDad2021

I would suggest looking at Grandpad (another user also suggested) - I got my parents one in December.  My mom loves it but my Dad who has vascular dementia is not really able to use it much.....With that being said, your mom would be able to get email, video call, play games and as the administrator you can restrict the websites she can get on.  The Grandpad comes preloaded with certain websites, you can add or deleted.  You can also either give her unrestricted browsing OR keep it restricted to just those websites you would like her to have access to --