Feeling guilty about being annoyed.

Quilting brings calm

12 calls from LO today.  8 yesterday. 3 each Monday and Tuesday.  Numerous voicemails as I ignored several calls today( see below).  Numerous calls from me to the PCP and GYN.  

3 round trips ( hour each time) to the ASL in 3 days.  They are still not allowed to run non essential errands without risking quarantine and testing.  11 months now. 

Tuesday/ groceries and miscellaneous. Including 5  gallons of distilled water because they decided to set up their humidifier because LO is taking multiple showers each day and drying out her skin.  Wednesday- delivered Valentines cards to ASL per ASL request.  Today - LO called this morning and needed a miscellaneous grocery item. 

Last night - multiple calls in an hour from LO  because GYN discontinued a cream two days before prescription end  because LO thought she was getting a UTI( still waiting on test results).  LO  crying because she now decided she didn’t want to quit using the cream.  That cream wasn’t solving her issue and a biopsy has been scheduled. 

Tonight- LO calls and wants several more gallons of distilled water.  Neglected to tell me they use two gallons a day and are  now out.  I was in the bathtub and was rather curt because ... 3 trips in 3 days ... and you couldn’t tell me this morning.  Told her I’d call tomorrow and let her know if I could bring it.  Also told her I was in the bathtub.  She called 7 times and left several voice mails in 20 minutes.  I ignored all until I got out of the tub and then answered the next call. What a mess.  She’s upset. Dad is yelling  in the background because he doesn’t think  I should have a life. She calls again and again crying and apologizing and asking me not to lock her up(MC). Where does that come from?  Makes me feel two inches tall. Dad still yelling in the background.  Calls again to tell me she threw her phone and broke off a piece of the case, but phone still works.

So of course here comes another round trip tomorrow.  And we will start the whole thing all over again next week. She’s already on Xanax. I  retired in December because of weeks like this. I try very hard to keep my temper but these two are making that difficult 

RobOT

Dear Quilting, of all the dark, difficult things we meet on this journey of caregiving, I think guilt must be the Overlord.  We literally give up our lives every day and still we feel guilt.  What you are describing is one of the best reasons for annoyance I've ever heard.  I know you need to have communication with them, and this might sound crazy, but you could block their number on your phone and get a cheap burner phone just for them.  They can leave voicemail and you could take your stress down a notch, maybe.  Sounds a little extreme to me, but I'm in an extreme mood today.  TMI, LOL.  I find that crying, swearing and journaling help with the stress, but then I feel guilty about taking the time away from my dad.  You are SO not alone.

Quilting brings calm

Thank you RoBot.  It’s just been a long week.  They are not the only family members that need care.  DH has several health issues ( not dementia, but quality of life is affected) and that takes time too. Had a doctor visit for him too yesterday.  New treatments. Dad doesn’t have a dementia diagnosis.  Just a crappy personality. Mom is in stage 4 at age 82.  PCP is hinting at vascular. We’ve got a ways to go.  I really  cannot fathom all the family members here that are dealing with LO in stage 6 at home.  I can’t even handle a week like this with them at  ASL.

harshedbuzz

Quilting brings calm wrote:


That quilt must be the size of Rhode Island with the week you've had. I am so sorry. 

12 calls from LO today.  8 yesterday. 3 each Monday and Tuesday.  Numerous voicemails as I ignored several calls today( see below).  Numerous calls from me to the PCP and GYN.  

Good for you not taking every single call. Some people buy an inexpensive burner phone for their LO with dementia's calls. They record a loving and reassuring message which is sometimes all the person needs. If not, they can leave you a message and you can get back to them on your own time. 

3 round trips ( hour each time) to the ASL in 3 days.  They are still not allowed to run non essential errands without risking quarantine and testing.  11 months now. 

Tuesday/ groceries and miscellaneous. Including 5  gallons of distilled water because they decided to set up their humidifier because LO is taking multiple showers each day and drying out her skin.  Wednesday- delivered Valentines cards to ASL per ASL request.  Today - LO called this morning and needed a miscellaneous grocery item. 

This seems burdensome. The Valentine's cards could have been mailed given enough time- shame on the ALS for not addressing this on a more timely manner. You can bet they have a boilerplate for the Valentine's celebration, so there is no excuse for this being a last minute "need". 

Since your dad can't shop, perhaps using a service like Peapod or Instacart would work. I know someone who hired someone on Care.com to manage mom's shopping. 

Last night - multiple calls in an hour from LO  because GYN discontinued a cream two days before prescription end  because LO thought she was getting a UTI( still waiting on test results).  LO  crying because she now decided she didn’t want to quit using the cream.  That cream wasn’t solving her issue and a biopsy has been scheduled. 

I can't help but think a MCF might offer your mom a level of support and engagement that could relieve you of some of this. 

Tonight- LO calls and wants several more gallons of distilled water.  Neglected to tell me they use two gallons a day and are  now out.  I was in the bathtub and was rather curt because ... 3 trips in 3 days ... and you couldn’t tell me this morning.  Told her I’d call tomorrow and let her know if I could bring it.  Also told her I was in the bathtub.  She called 7 times and left several voice mails in 20 minutes.  I ignored all until I got out of the tub and then answered the next call.

Your mom's brain is broken and her mom-like empathy has left the building with Elvis. She doesn't care about interrupting your bath or inconveniencing you with requests. It's best to save those vents for people like us who would offer you the cyber-hug for the unfairness of it all. 

What a mess.  She’s upset. Dad is yelling  in the background because he doesn’t think  I should have a life. She calls again and again crying and apologizing and asking me not to lock her up(MC). Where does that come from?  Makes me feel two inches tall. Dad still yelling in the background.  Calls again to tell me she threw her phone and broke off a piece of the case, but phone still works.

Ugh. It sounds like your dad is threatening her with MC. Or perhaps the ASL staff have made suggestions that she will need an enhanced level of care if your dad doesn't step up and manage the day-to-day stuff. ASL functions on a hospitality model- it is not meant to provide the level of care a PWD requires. Nor is the staff in ASL trained in MC strategies to validate and redirect a person in distress. You might find your mother would be calmer in a MCF with an enhanced level of care from trained individuals. 

So of course here comes another round trip tomorrow.  And we will start the whole thing all over again next week. She’s already on Xanax. I  retired in December because of weeks like this. I try very hard to keep my temper but these two are making that difficult 

I'm sorry. I hope you get a break soon.

Quilting brings calm

Thank you harshedbuzz

In the ASL’s defense, I knew about the Valentines cards on Tuesday- I forgot to bring them.  They are to be distributed today in baggies of goodies delivered to their room.  If I had known I would be going back yesterday I would have waited and brought them then.  I try to limit myself to one planned weekly trip plus doctor visits these days because I never know what they will come up with. Like this week. 

I didn’t answer the bathtub calls because I was mad. In hindsight she might not have called as many times if I had.   However I was trying to avoid the meltdown we all had anyway. 

The ASL director thinks she’s a couple years away from memory care.  She’s still doing the showers. Toileting. Dressing eating independently.  She just can’t do the cooking, cleaning. Etc. Memory issues, depression and anxiety are her main issues. My dad will refuse to go with her as a companion when she goes.  They can afford ASL for  several years yet.  They can’t afford ASL and MC at the same time for more than a year. The ones in this area don’t take Medicaid.   

mommyandme (m&m)

Here...There... Pros and cons to everything! 

You work really hard.  

Thanks for sharing!