considering MC for DH

Judy W

My husband was diagnosed officially 5 years ago and is currently in late stage 6. He is 75 and  am 65.  He doesn't know who I am but I think he realizes I am someone he can trust most of  the   time.  The day to day care is very stressful at this point.    He is incontinent with urination and is having an increase of BM accidents.  I am ready to share the responsibility  of caring for him, keeping him clean, keeping him focused, etc. I just don't feel like I am doing the best job.   I have had home health care a few hours every day.   That helps but it is not a long term solution for me.  Post covid, I would really like to become  a part of my adult children's and grandchildren's  lives again.    I have been in contact with a residential community (10 residents to a home) for memory care.  I like their culture.  How do you know it is time to make this move and it is not premature. Thanks for any thoughts.

ladyzetta

Judy,     I took care of my DH at home for 5 years, he was 90 when he passed away and I was 73. He was a big man and when the time came that I knew I was not giving him the care he needed I placed him. Incontinence was the main issue. I was having a hard time getting him to the bathroom and cleaning up after him. I was a pretty good caregiver but when it got to the point I felt he needed more care I placed him. He was in a outstanding MC facility and he got the best care possible. You also need to take care of yourself. Hugs Zetta

ladyzetta

Judy,   Another thing I found out when I was doing my research was that the foster home type of setting would not keep him till he passed. I was told I would have to take him home or move him. Some care homes will keep them till the end and some don't. I would have preferred the home setting. Something for you to think about.  He passed away in the MC facility with a lot of loving caregivers and myself by his side. Once they are comfortable either in a home or a MC facility moving is not good.

Judy W

Zetta, 

  Thank  you for those kind words.  Clark is 5'11 and I am 5'0 so that adds to the level of difficulty.  Clark can age in place in this facility.  I know I would miss his constant presence here but I would not miss the stress of the responsibility I am feeling. 

ladyzetta

Judy,  That sounds like a good place for Clark. The in home facility I was looking at was very comfortable and I would have been able to visit as often and as long as I wanted to. I would also have been able to take our little dog with me for the visits. What ever you do will be the right thing. Don't let guilt bother you I keep telling myself that. It is hard. Hugs

M1

Judy, if you need the help it is not premature. No one will question your timing.

Joe C.

Judy, I am close to the point where you find yourself and I know how difficult this decision will be. DW needs me to help her with all ADLs, no longer recognizes our home or understands our relationship, she has delusions which are somewhat managed with medication, can not be left alone, on & on. I had selected a MC and put a deposit down some time ago but I struggle with making the move. I guess we are the only ones who can decide when it is the right time. I wish you strength & courage as you navigate this difficult time.

Ed1937

I feel bad for those of you facing this. Please don't fool yourself when you have to make the decision whether you are providing the needed care or not. We all have limits, and if you keep your LO home when they should be somewhere else, that is not in the best interest of either one of you.

harshedbuzz

There's also something to be said for moving him early enough that his caregivers will be able to "get to know him" and while he might enjoy some of the activities.

Jeff86

Judy,

We all appreciate what an agonizing choice placement is.

When I re-read your post, it strikes me that you appear ready, even needing, to share the burden of your DH’s care.  When our LO’s needs become great enough, it is not capitulation to place them—it’s an act of love and caring.  And you, too, are entitled to a life that’s not entirely defined by caregiving.

My DW is late stage 6.  She needs help with all ADL’s.  She can’t be left alone because it causes her anxiety.  I think she thinks I’m a good friend, nowadays.

With the help of aides, I am able to keep my DW home and continue to work.  But even with that support, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  My DW has lost the ability to engage in any activities that she used to enjoy, like reading.  A lot of apathy.  At times, I think the activities and routine and socialization in a good MC facility might be better for her than the boredom and limited stimulation she experiences at home.

We each have to make the decision that’s best for both our LO and ourself.  Whatever you decide will be right for you and your DH.  I wish you strength and peace as you struggle with this most difficult decision.

Ernie123

I cared for my DW for seven years until just over a year ago she moved to a wonderful memory care facility nearby. We are in our mid seventies. Her moved was necessitated by delusional behaviors, and sometimes violent outbursts when she didn’t recognize me. In hindsight I realize the move was probably harder on me than her. She lives in the moment and enjoys living in the constant social activities in the facility. Her psychotic issues are now managed with medications. She feels safe and comfortable there. I visit daily and help with her personal care such as showers and clothes which she is unable to do on her own. After an hour or so she is anxious to get back out into the common area with her group. There are several ladies all in later stages and they enjoy just sitting together, repetitive small talk, music, well supervised arts and crafts, bingo, baking cookies. The staff are angels. It has been hard for me to adjust to living alone. I miss her and grieve for our lost relationship. But I see now she is doing much better in that social setting than being alone with me. So my advice would be not to hesitate to make the move now  when you have some control and not wait until a crisis forces a quick move at some time in the future. Sooner is better than later for you both in my experience.

ladyzetta

Judy,    One thing that harshedbuzz said that reminded me of what I was told when I placed my DH was its good to place them before it really gets bad because not only will the caregivers get to know his wants and needs he will also get to know his caregivers and trust them. This was true my DH got to know and love all his caregivers.

Judy W

Thank  you all for your thoughtful replies   It helps so much to read about your experiences  as I am making this decision.  

Stay well and safe. 

  Judy  

French

I have prepared all the documents for my partner admission in a MC. I get an age dérogation and last week the best MC of our city validated his  file for short or long stays.

Everybody will think it’s too early but I also think as harshedbuz. My partner’s best days are when he goes to day care, he feel useful. He explains they need him because the others are old (he is 51 years old). I was very guilty the first time he went there. Now, I know it was the best decision I made.

For the MD my idea is to try it for a first short stay in June because I have to move for my work for a week. If this meeting abroad is cancelled (never know with COVID-19), he will go this summer when the hired aid will have holidays.   So I will know how he will be there.

It can sound strange to you but I am sure I am not a good caregiver. I do it because I have no other solution and because my partner deserves it but I feel that I don’t do my best and that he could be better with professional caregivers, lot of activities...

JJAz

ladyzetta wrote:

Judy,   Another thing I found out when I was doing my research was that the foster home type of setting would not keep him till he passed. I was told I would have to take him home or move him. Some care homes will keep them till the end and some don't. I would have preferred the home setting. Something for you to think about.  He passed away in the MC facility with a lot of loving caregivers and myself by his side. Once they are comfortable either in a home or a MC facility moving is not good.

 

I found the complete opposite in our city.  Small group homes were willing the keep dementia patients until end of life.  Large, fancy memory care facilities around here find a way to "move them on" when the burden became too heavy.  Usually they send them to the hospital for a "meds adjustment" and refuse to accept them back.  This has happened to several in my group.  It's such an important point to determine before moving in.