Advice on what to say(1)

JennB33

I've been taking care of many things for my mom for a couple years now, including bill paying, cleaning, getting groceries, etc. As more of these things have been needed because she doesn't remember to do it, or doesn't realize how long it's been since she's done it, I've taken on more and more -which is OK, but every time, my mom will either say that I don't need to do that, she's taking care of it, or she will do it. I've tried many different ways of talking my way through this, or just trying to do things without her seeing me - to avoid "getting yelled at" but it's not always possible. What can I say? Is there another way I should go about this?

LaurenB

Could you try telling her that "you took such good care of me when I was little AND when I was a teenager.  It makes me feel good to pay it back with the same kindness."

Cynbar

This is a pretty common scenario, and it sounds to me like you are doing a good job. Many if not most people with dementia go through a phase (sometimes a long one) where they think they are just fine and don't need any help. When caring family steps in to do things that really need to be done, they get yelled at. No amount of reasoning with the person helps. This was hard for me for a long time with my DH, I was always thinking "Why doesn't he appreciate all I am doing for him?". It was only after I found this forum a year ago that I came to understand the situation better. His brain isn't working right, the old rules don't apply. He is seeing things differently from me, we aren't speaking the same language anymore. This realization has really helped me lose some of the frustration and resentment I was feeling. Now, I am more likely to just do what needs to be done, and ignore his anger as much as possible. Keep reading posts here, I think it will help you too.