Anger(6)

Kevcoy

I'm fairly new to the forum and I appriciate everything people say here.  There are so many things I'd like to address but for me today is the issue of anger.  My husband and I have been together for over 20 years after both of us came off of bad relationships.  He is 67 and I am 64 years old and work from home.  We seldom argued or got in fights but with the onslaught of his dementia a few years ago he just seems to be so angry at me.  It's my fault he can't find his wallet or wedding ring.  He yells at me about how I must think it is so funny hiding his things from him.  I tell him if I knew where his things were I would get them to him right away.  He argues with me about how much I've changed and how he wishes he could just leave and get away from me and start over.  I'm working from home as a substitute teacher which is a concept he doesn't seem to grasp at all constantly walking in while my kids are on the screen demanding my attention.  When I mute my class and tell him I'll have to talk to him later he storms out slamming the door behind him.  Another thing is over the past year he has started talking in a low tone of voice which I can barely hear when I'm right next to him.  He usually starts talking to me from another room and when I say what? that usually sets him off too.  I'm at the point when I hear his voice I drop everything and go to where he is to hear him which is becoming exausting.  I'll stop now but thank you for letting me get this out.

JDancer

After my DH interrupted a confidential ZOOM meeting twice, and slammed the door in anger when I tried to explain, I wished I had put a big sign on the door explaining what I was doing and why he should not enter. I told him several times before the meeting started, but he can't remember anything, I should have known he would not remember what I was doing.

Do you have something on the door when you are teaching? 

M1

Hi Kevcoy, I know the feeling. If you can truly accept his diagnosis and get past expecting rational behavior from him, you may find yourself less angry. But it takes practice to learn not to correct and not to argue. My partner also had a lot of anger early on-she couldn't see her deficits, but she was very frustrated.  That has subsided somewhat, but not entirely-though it's clear that if I respond calmly I can help her de-escalate. Don't give up. But it's sad that you have to change your behavior and can't depend on your LO any more.

Iris L.

Low voice could be a sign of Parkinson's disease.  

Iris L.

ElaineD

Dear Kevcoy,

We've been married 58 years.  My  DH has always been negative, angry and critical...his own kids and grandkids have told me he has alienated them.

About 5 years ago both sons told me "Dad's losing it", but didn't really specify the behavior.  However about 4 years ago his anger, negativity, and criticisms escalated to the point that I was really fed up and wanted 'out'.  I was then (and am now) severely disabled, so couldn't really get away from him, and he had retired at last at age 75, so we were experiencing more 'togetherness' than ever before.

I didn't know, but now I do, that there is far more to early dementia than memory loss.  There are personality changes, apathy, loss of empathy, loss of social filter (saying or doing inappropriate things), and loss of executive function (carrying out multistep processes)

What my husband was experiencing was the personality change, but since it was only a supercharged version of his anger, negativity, etc. I just thought he was really upset with me all the time.

Now I know it was his dementia.  About two years ago, he suddenly changed his personality, he became less angry.  He's still negative.  But everyone in the family noticed that his anger was much less.

So perhaps your DH will also change over time.

Of course my DH is forgetting more and more often.  Yesterday my dinner was brought to our apartment because the dining room was closed for the second round of Covid vaccinations.  

My DH brought my dinner in from the hall, got me a plate and utensils, and went out of the apartment.

He came back about 15 minutes later and asked me what I was going to do for dinner!  I just said, Oh, it came and I've eaten it.  Then he laughed and said he remembered bringing it in.  I didn't say, "don't you remember" which he would have seen as a criticism of his failure to remember.

It takes a while to figure out that it is easier if I don't get angry or impatient, or rather don't SHOW anger or impatience.  I can't help being angry or impatient...but I won't get what I want if I show them to my DH.

I also feel sad, frightened, scared when he clearly has no memory of what just happened.

The interesting thing is that he doesn't seem surprised or upset that he has forgotten.  Most of us express some irritation or frustration when we forget something.  But he never does.  For example, he no longer remembers trips we took to Ireland, Italy and Germany,  the last one in 2017.  But he isn't at all concerned.  He believes that his 'forgetting' is just normal for his age.

He also relies on me to make all appointments and to remember everything we have to do.  He asks me repeatedly about the time of an appointment, but he isn't aware he's doing that.

I'm just so glad most of his anger is gone, for now anyway.

Elaine

JJAz

Low volume voice could be a sign of Lewy Body Dementia, caused by the same lewy bodies that cause Parkinson's.  Anger is common in Lewy as well.

mommom9

My husband also blames me for everything he can’t find it’s taken awhile but I’ve finally accepted it’s the disease. Depending on what, Itell him where it is though most of the time I find it for him using no emotion because he can even have thebitem and not know it’s what he is looking for . Just keeping my emotions in check helps tremendously. It’s only hard for me now when I’m sick or lacking sleep and even then not as bad sometimes he even says I did that sorry.

JudyMorrowMaloney

I have the same issue. My DH thinks nothing of barging in when I am in a meeting. I always keep my camera off, wear headphones, and mute myself when I have to speak

Glopark

I am completely broken and don't know how to get better.  Caring for him is more than I can do on an emotional level. I spoke with local Alzheimer office and they spoke with him also. Appears that they have been able to convince him to stay for tonight. Primarily because it is 24• with snow on the ground. Everything is hopeless

jfkoc

I immediately pick up what Iris and Jjazz picked up on. I would discuss these possibilities with your husband's neurologist. 

Regarding the anger....we have all been there. Your husband is angry and you are there to receive it. It is not personal but that does not always help how you feel. The only thing I can suggest is to but into the problem hoping that you can calm the storm. Example, the lost keys ....you might say I am sorry you think I have done something with them...let me help you look. If he says you have changed you might ask in what ways or how you can change back to who you were. 

The big idea is not to disagree. That will get you absolutely nowhere. It is hard not to confront with reality but do give it a test drive.

dayn2nite2

Forgive me if this sounds stupid, but it's worked before.

If you have a hardware store or even a hardware section of a local store, get a STOP sign or something that looks similar and try fastening it to your door.  This may make him just turn around.

I guess we'll know after the first try whether he finds something else to do or if he starts kicking the door but it's an inexpensive item to try.

Kevcoy

I love the fact that there are so many supportive people in this group.  Not only is it good to vent but it is helpful reading all your responses.  Thank you all.

aod326

I found the anger and blaming stage the hardest to deal with. For me I think it was made even harder because he hadn't been diagnosed with dementia, so I thought he had just changed as a person. DH did the same as yours, kept coming into my home office and trying to join Zoom calls, thinking people were talking about him. When he was doing that, I would turn off my camera and mute my phone, letting him feel he was taking part. Of course I realize you can't do that. One thing that worked sometimes (definitely not always) is that I set an alarm clock and left it with him, telling him that when the alarm rang that was when he could come to my office. Maybe worth a try?

As far as the arguing and blaming piece, I can't stress enough how much easier it all became when I moved over to just agreeing and apologizing for what I'd done. If you're like me, that feels totally unnatural! But it was an almost instant relief for me, and probably less stressful for him, once I followed that advice, learned from here.

Good luck.

BigJohnO

I just joined and am new to this whole situation. I am male, 84 years old, and my wife of 46 years is 78. She was diagnosed in 2019 and is on medication for memory and cognitive issues. I understand the anger that is being discussed here, as my father-in-law demonstrated that just before he died. He would yell at Mom and scream that she was stealing his money. He was never physical, never stuck her, but he cursed and accused her of all kinds of things. Before that, he was the gentlest man I ever knew. It hurt Mom to see him that way, but she knew it was not him.

Now to today: my wife and I never fought, seldom ever argued. Both of us were raised by gentle parents and that's how we lived our lives (not bragging, just laying some groundwork). Now that Carol has dementia, and cannot always finish a sentence because she forgets what she wanted to day, I find the first impulse is to try to complete the sentence, or supply the word she cannot find. That's the wrong thing to do, as it just draws attention to her problem (like stutterers, one should not supply the word). I have to fight against impatience with her. I pray regularly, and one of  the things I ask is that God will grant me patience. There have been a few times I have come across as "cross" at Carol, and I can tell she was hurt by it. It took me a long time to console her after that. I can understand how a caregiver can lose their temper, get very impatient, and/or act in a manner other than their "normal" personality with someone they are caring for. 

My wife was (is?) a medial professional with 50+ years of experience, so we both know what is coming. And so I am working hard on being as patient and loving and caring as I can, while learning to take care of a person who will someday be a "child" again.

Thank you all for listening.

jfkoc

Hi John...looking forward to getting to know you and thanks for filing out a profile.