New Caregiver(2)

FF

My mom moved in with us this past weekend. She knew she was going to move in with us and told all of her friends and neighbors years ago. This is not a new place for her as she has spent many nights with us in the past years. 

On Sunday, she was fine and dandy. When she woke up Monday morning, she was very agitated, using foul language and this went on for about three hours. She tired herself out and napped about four hours. 

Tuesday, mom woke up ok but about three hours later, mom went on the warpath again, fussing and cussing, calling us names and threatening to call the police on us and have us arrested for what reason, I don’t know. A friend of mine suggested I place familiar family pictures for mom to see which I did and also to make sure that mom eats healthy meals which she had not done in at least a year. Mom has lost at last 80 pounds. It was so bad that I reached out to mom’s primary in desperation to prescribe something to resolve this agitation as it is not a new symptom. 

Today, mom’s agitation was worse. She started about 1030 am and did not settle down until 7:00 pm. We were able to make sure she ate breakfast lunch and dinner. After dinner mom said she was tired. She should have been after nonstop agitation for nearly nine hours, from name calling (slut to MF) to threatening to call the police again to have us arrested (a constant topic of her agitation for years now), and she has been throwing things across the house and accusing us of stealing our household furniture  

The family knew for a long time that mom didn’t need to live alone any longer and with only me and my sister the only siblings left, and my sister working, mom decided years ago she wanted to live with us. 

This has only been three days for us and has proven to be a most difficult situation. Even this morning when mom started on her rage she told me that I never should have been born, stating that “you should have stayed in Hell” and, Lord please forgive me, I questioned why is this happening. When mom told me she was tired tonight, I suggested that she prays really hard to God and reads her Bible before going to bed tonight. 

Iris L.

Does your mom have a dementia diagnosis?  If so, her brain is deteriorating.  Primary doctor can do only so much.  You need a geriatrician or geriatric psychiatrist to prescribe medical management.  Also, learn work-arounds from the members.   Be aware of anosognosia, which is the lack of awareness of one's own limitations, present in most PWDs (persons with dementia.)  Also be aware that sudden changes may be due to a silent urinary tract infection or other medical issue.  This is something a primary doctor or urgent care doctor can address.

Iris L.

MimiMinder

Welcome to the forum. So glad you reached out. Hopefully today will be a better day! Also hoping some meds will help calm your mother down. My mother moved in 4.5 months ago and while it hasn't been a picnic, I have not been subjected to the verbal abuse you are experiencing. When my mother says things that she never, ever would have said years ago, I remember that it is the disease and not my mother. That helps me feel not so personally attacked, but it is still hard. I hope you come back to the forum and gather strength from others who are on this journey, too.

Remember that you are not alone!

harshedbuzz

I am sorry for both you and you dear mom are living this.

I am assuming your mom has been diagnosed using the current protocol; if not you need to make her an appointment asap. I would make sure all of the legal paperwork is in place in order for you to act on her behalf to keep her safe and cared for.

That said, I get a sense you aren't familiar with dementia as it impacts a person or with how far the disease had progressed in your own mom. This is not unusual. In the first instance, dementia in our society is always explained as memory loss exclusively without touching on personality changes or behaviors. And in the second instance, it can be hard to really know what's going on with a PWD until you're spending 24/7 with them. Sometimes a PWD can hold it together for a time- showtiming or going into hostess-mode that they seem less impaired than they are. 

I like this quick read to help a new caregiver understand where their LO is mentally and emotionally so you can effectively support them. Their brain is broken; you will need to be the one to adapt. 

12 pt Understanding the Dementia Experience (dementiacarestrategies.com)

There are likely one of 3 triggers to this behavior assuming it is new behavior and not just something that's new-to-you. It could be this is new behavior triggered by a medical issue- most likely a UTI; her PCP could test and culture for treatment.  Or it could be the move has triggered this and that she will settle down over the next several weeks as she gets used to a new home and routine. Or it could be the damage to her brain is impacting behavior and medication is needed to address behavior. I would suggest a geriatric psychiatrist for medication management; this is out of the wheelhouse of her PCP. Ahead of the appointment, you could send the doctor short video clips of her acting out so s/he has a sense of how bad things are for her. 

Your suggestion to "read her Bible" may have not been a good interaction. Given the significant weight loss and periods of agitation, she may be far enough into the disease process that she can't "read". My own father was quite bright and remained freakishly verbal right up until he died, but he started to lose the ability to read in the early middle stages. At first he complained new books weren't as good as old favorites, and later was re-reading the same pages of favorites over and over because he couldn't retain what he'd written. He could still decode written words- but  they were meaningless to him. The last time I drove him to his geripsych, he read every street sign aloud along the way but he couldn't recall that he'd owned a business on the street. 

There's also the possibility that you are not cut out for caregiving and that mom living in a memory care community with well-trained staff and social activities would be a better choice for both of you.

(=Meow=)

You have to use the same trick psychiatric nurses use when managing their patients - Ignoring and deflecting.  People with dementia are not always sane, they act out ....like young children, with some caveats.  Cursing doesn't bother me, it goes in one ear and out the other(ignore it), some people scold their children for cursing, doesn't work with adults who are regressing into a childhood state, it will just make them meaner.

Have to do the exact opposite when it comes to throwing things, or worse yet, hitting.  You have to make it very clear such behaviour will NOT be tolerated- banish them to their room, deny them food they like, "Bark" at/scold  them, it will become worse if you don't.

The police thing is common, depending on your local, it might not hurt to let call, dial the number for her - again, it's local dependent, some police departments are good, their officers are trained how defuse such situations(take notes), others? Well they tend to make the national news for their bad behaviour, spark protests or worse, you know your community better than I do.

Deflection is used to "correct" prolonged outbursts, redirecting your LO angst onto something else - like weeds, or snow.  Or, if they are more rational, change the subject, distract them with things they enjoy doing, take them for a walk outside(if possible). Some people with dementia have the attention span of a gnat, not that hard to do.

Above all, never take what they say personally, telling you that you should burn in hell is no different than them insisting there are bad people doing evil things....people you can't see as they do not exist.