My first ever post

cw2502

My DH was diagnosed 3 years ago.  He is 10 years older than me.  He is retired and I still work, and need to work right now as his retirement only brings SS to the household income.  I am his "whipping post".  If I do or say one thing, he expected it to be the other way.  His short term memory is sooooo bad and he's getting more and more confused.  His is also losing his "dictionary" I would say, and of course needs help with getting his meds refilled and scheduling doctor appointments.  No biggie, I don't mind.  But why is he so mean??!!  He adores me and can be thoughtful and offer to help me in the kitchen and he's  been great about dishes and laundry since he retired.  But he can then turn around and berate me, yell at me.  He told me the other day I was the kind of wife who makes her husband kill himself.  We will be married 36 years on Tuesday.  Everyone will tell you how much he loves me.  But lately, the slightest wrong thing I say can make him be so hateful.  Then, it's as if it never happened.  

His driving was fine but now he is getting very aggressive.  Two days ago, in the ice storm in Texas, we had to go meet our daughter half way because she left her medicine at our house (stayed during the storm).  He was driving too fast, too close to cars.  I was pleading with him to slow down and that I was nervous and he just got very agitated and verbally abusive.  He then started "gunning" it at the lights to "show that stupid a** in the other truck" that he was better (something like that).  All I'm thinking is he is going to hit a patch of ice and we are going to wreck.  

I'm ranting now.  My question: how do you deal with the hostility they show you?  He doesn't acknowledge that he has Alzheimer's, and his doc has said it could be Fronto Temporal Dementia.  

LadyTexan

Greetings CW and Welcome to the forum.

You will find support and suggestions from people here who are also travelling the dementia journey.

My DH has been verbally abusive to me also. Its upsetting. I put on my thick skin and big girl panties and remind myself that his brain is impaired. Its still hurtful.

Things that helps in our home:

• I maintain a calm voice. 
• I try not to argue or talk back or be snarky. 
• I validate his feelings.

Again, welcome.

Doityourselfer

It sounds like your husband shouldn't be driving any longer.  

My husband can get highly agitated and verbally abusive and when he does I put on my headphones and listen to music.  I try to stay calm and patient until he calms down.  It has been nothing but a nightmare that I can't wait to end.

I hope for the best for you.  You'll find a lot of helpful information on this site.

JM1316

Welcome!

You are in the right place for advice.  Sorry I can’t help you but can listen.

It does sound like he should not be driving.  You may need the help of the doctor to tell him he can’t drive any longer.  

My DH is pretty docile and I just told him I would not get in the car with him if he drove as I did not feel safe, especially on I-95 from Philly to the NJ shore.  I had the help of the neuro psychologist and he told him no driving.  Not that he did not know how but his judgment was impaired.  This helped with us selling his car a couple days ago.

Dottie

LadyTexan

I am in Texas also. When it was apparent that my DH could no longer drive, I sought and received assistance from his health care team. The healthcare team sent DH to an objective driver's assessment at the rehabilitation department at St. David's hospital in Austin. 

After taking various objective tests and an on the road evaluation, the rehab specialist was excellent in explaining to DH that his reflexes and reaction were impaired as a result of his dementia. The rehab specialist was very empathetic to DH. The specialist informed DH that he was no longer safe to drive. It was MUCH more meaningful for DH to receive that message from a health care specialist than me. The results of the evaluation were sent to DPS and eventually DPS informed my husband that if DH wanted to drive he would have to petition the Medical Advisory Board.

If you feel your DH is an unsafe driver, you can report him anonymously to DPS. Here is the information from the DPS website at 

https://www.dps.texas.gov/section/driver-license/texas-medical-evaluation-process-driver-licensing

Report Concerns of Unsafe Drivers

If you know of someone who may have a medical condition that could affect their ability to safely operate a motor vehicle, you may submit your concerns in writing. Please include sufficient information to be able to identify the driver, such as full name, date of birth, address, and driver license number, if available. All written concerns may be submitted anonymously to the Department (i.e. the document is not required to be signed by the individual reporting the concern).

Verbal notification is not sufficient for the Department to take action. Please provide a detailed explanation as to why it is unsafe for the individual reported to operate a motor vehicle. Avoid personalizing information in the written statement and focus on the facts. Be advised all information submitted to the Department is subject to release under the Texas Public Information Act.

Information may be submitted to the Department by mail, fax or email.

Mailing Address:

Texas Department of Public Safety
Enforcement and Compliance Service
P.O. Box 4087
Austin, TX 78773-0320

Fax Number:

512-424-5311

Email:

[email protected]

Nowhere

I’m twelve years further down the very similar path you describe. How did your husband react when diagnosed? Do you ever talk about his diagnosis with him? My husband (also ten years older) was frustrated by the test and denied the results. He has always maintained he was just getting older and was forgetful.

First thing (if not already in place) is to get your estate in order by seeing an elder attorney.  You’ll need POAs, Advance Directives, Trust, and Wills. This step is huge and will provide you immediate peace of mind and assurances down the road.  If his only income is social security you should explore Medicaid eligibility immediately. Alzheimer is expensive! My husband was eligible a year or two before he began utilizing it for daycare and prescriptions.

This group will help you immensely with a wealth of knowledge, strategies to try, empathy, and understanding. The road ahead will be challenging and difficult to navigate, but also there will be times of grace and gratitude. 

Teepa Snow is a well known guru on dealing with dementia behaviors. Look her up on YouTube.

Begin becoming familiar with community supports such as local support groups and adult daycares for when the time comes. 

Keep up the exercise and walking for both of your sakes.

Take good care of you! In time you’re going to be taking on all responsibilities for the two of you and you’ll need to be fit mentally and physically. 

cw2502

Thank you LadyTexan.  I am going to have to make the forum a priority to keep my sanity.  I pretty much do the same as you, but maybe don't validate as much as I could.  It's hard to validate "lies" (ie., "the grandkids ate all my cereal", when they didn't) but I guess it doesn't matter if I do. He forgets he even said it.  I will work on that.  Thank you for the reply.  Have a nice weekend.

cw2502

Thank you DoItYourSelfer!!  My husband was always a hothead anyway and so this is really exacerbating that!  I''ve been "keeping the peace" my entire married life.  I always suggest I drive but that becomes a whole other fight.  We needed to use his 4 wheel drive for the ice trek and there was no way he was going to let me drive it myself or with him in the truck.  I "insult" him by even suggesting to drive his truck.  You can image the scenario.  

I look forward to keeping information on the forum and am so glad I finally took the step to reach out.  

I visited with an Elder Law attorney and need to get a "Competency Letter" on him as I am trying to protect our assets should I predecease him and he has to go on Medicaid assistance, so there are some estate documents we need to change.  We go for his med check today with his GP and I've messaged GP to tell my husband he needs another "memory evaluation" since he has not had once since diagnosed.  If his GP tells him to do something, he will.  He loves him!!  If I suggest it, he won't.  I am anxious to have the evaluation and see where they think he is right now.  His neurologist doesn't do CL's but she referred me to someone.  So I'm making progress.  

Thank you for the reply.  You feel so alone sometimes, even with a large family, you are the one living and dealing with it every day.  Have a nice weekend.  

cw2502

Thank you Dottie. Yes, this is quite a quandry!  Usually, he's pretty good.  But lately he's been more aggressive.  WE definitely do not let him drive any of our grandkids.  This will be devastating.  Not sure I am ready for the backlash. He usually just drives to grocery store, HOme Depot, the bank.  And if we drive elsewhere, I am always on pins and needles and it's a fight the entire time.  I've just got to figure this issue out.  And our son is a Texas DPS Trooper a few counties over!!!  It will be hell if we take away his keys.  

I appreciate the reply.  Have a nice weekend.  

cw2502

Thank you NoWhere.  Oh yes, he denied it.  Said he wasn't interested in the content so he didn't pay attention.  WE never say the "A" word.  We can talk about his memory loss but he takes everything as a dig to his manhood.  And as I mentioned to another, he's always been a hothead so you can imagine the scenario.  We've had estate docs in place for a while, but need to modify to protect assets.  I visited with an Elder Law Attorney first of the year and we are discussing modifications.  First thing on my list is to change my Medical Power of Attorney and General POA.  

Thank you for the guru info; I will definitely look her up. I appreciate the reply! Have a nice weekend!

cw2502

LadyTexan, our son is a Tx DPS Trooper!!!  A few counties over.  But he and I both know what a fight it will be to take the truck away.  We do not let him drive any of our grandkids, for sure.  He can be a good driver, and then he can be awful awful, as he was Thursday.  That fight is going to be just awful. And I don't want to be endangering other people.  I wish I would have secretly videoed the entire trip on Thursday to play back to him.  I wonder what he would think if he saw himself behaving like that.  And thanks for the additional info.   Thank you again for replying.  I already feel so much better knowing I truly am not alone.

Cynbar

My DH went through a phase where he was mean, adversarial and profane --- quite a combination from a mild mannered guy. He has been a sundowner for awhile now, but the yelling was out of control ---- as spring approached and people were out and about , I was afraid someone was going to call the police. He liked to yell profanities out the window as I was walking the dog after dinner. Anyway, it has passed now, thank goodness. The sundowning continues but the extreme agitation and unkind comments have pretty much stopped. His MD put him on Zyprexa which has helped even him out a lot. He's much more manageable, now will fixate on some topic in a repetitive way but is no longer so unpleasant. I know other posters here report good results from other antipsychotic drugs like Seroquel, there is unfortunately no manual of what is right for everybody. You might want to ask your GP if this is worth a try.

Driving was also an issue for my DH. He did allow me to drive when we were together, and I was amazed one day when he picked me up after a medical procedure how bad his driving had gotten. Thank goodness, I didn't have to handle this myself. I mentioned it to his PCP who sent a report to the DMV. They sent him a letter pulling his license until he could pass a detailed driving test. Here in Massachusetts, doctors are required to do this. He never even scheduled that, likely knew he wouldn't pass. I don't think he would have driven with no license, but apparently our insurance company was notified and sent him a letter saying he was no longer covered. That did it, and I didn't have to be the bad guy.

jfkoc

Driving? Think liability!

Please get a copy of anything by Naomi Feil....your library likely has at least one. She explains validation.

Here is a snipit;

https://www.alzheimers.net/2013-11-07-validation-method-for-alzheimers

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cw2502

Seems we all have many things in common.  I finally had to reach out to several of our neighbors to let them know his situation.  He cussed out an elderly neighbor who confronted him about sitting in our front yard shooting squirrels with a BB gun (I've now got a Ring on the door so I can see that area when I'm at work).  He likes to monitor the stop sign at the corner of our house and points his finger at people he deems are not fully stopping.  One neighbor told me a fellow neighbor said his wife saw my husband peeking through their fence.  I really can't believe that one, but.........

We too get in a loop every evening when I get home, about one topic or the other.  After about 3 loops, he moves on.    

I am already thankful for the rapport I've experienced here.  Thank you all!

cw2502

Oh Gosh Victoria2020, very valid, scary points!!

M1

Welcome cw.  This forum is a lifeline for many of us and I hope it will be for you, too.

Personality change comes along with dementia, unfortunately.  My partner went through a phase of being very angry and frustrated--not so much abusive to me, though i was the occasional target--but it seemed to be general frustration at the loss of ability.  It's subsided somewhat now.

As much as we all learn to accommodate certain aspects of dementia, you should not have to live with aggression and abuse directed at you,  and I would suggest you let his GP know this is happening.  He might benefit from an antidepressant or an atypical antipsychotic.  You may have to fib a little to get him to take it--say for sleep, a vitamin, to keep from getting worse, anything--but it's worth a discussion.

I'm with everyone else on the driving.  It's brutal but necessary.  This may need to come from the GP also, and again, you should tell him/her how concerned you are.  You can always disable the truck==my own doc took the battery out of his mother's car.  Good luck, this is not easy.

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Ed1937

I'm a little late to the thread, but welcome to the forum. You have excellent feedback from our members here. If your son is a Texas DPS Trooper , he should be able to help you in getting his licernse taken away if the doc can't stop him from driving. If you don't want him driving with the kids in the car, he shouldn't be driving at all. But you know that already.