I don't know where to begin

ttcmama

Background: My father passed away 2 weeks ago. He and Mom were living in another state, 1000 miles away from us. After the funeral, (although I have 5 living siblings) we brought Mom home to live with us. Everyone felt I was the best option. Now I'm not so sure. I only have one other sibling willing to take Mom in, but she has a history of emotionally abusing Mom, so she really isn't an option. Mom remembers me and my husband, but not always my adult children. She is in a wheelchair and mildly incontinent.

Here are some of my questions: I know she has gone through a ton of changes in a short period of time, but is it likely that once she settles here her anxiety will calm down? Right now she is going through her loop of questions (where am I, why am I here, what's going to happen next) about 20 times per hour (yes I've counted). I can get nothing done at home-just have to sit with her in order to calm her nerves. My husband and I did leave this weekend to get a break and hopefully reset because I have been dealing with Dad's death and Mom's move, and all the arrangements and paperwork that go with those events. (I'm not even sure I've taken the time to grieve Dad's death yet.) My son and his wife and 2 daughters stayed with Mom and she has been a basket case all weekend (when she wasn't sleeping, which she did a lot.) 

One day last week I had a call to make to handle  insurance stuff and I was mostly out of the room for an hour. It freaked her out. She just sat in her chair the rest of the day (didn't get up to go to the bathroom, so she wet herself.) DH and I have learned how to deal with the incontinence, so that isn't the problem. The problem is, how do I get anything done? I can barely wash my dishes and we are basically in the same room when I do that, with just a bar separating us. DH has been working from home in order to help me out, but he really needs to be able to go into work.

I have 2 adult children in the area who are willing to help, and a church family who I'm pretty sure will help as well. We are working on getting financial stuff in order so we can hire a helper, but the challenge seems to be that unless it is DH or myself at her side, she's just going to freak out.

Dealing with lots of other issues, but having to be by her side 24/7 is the biggest one. 

Advice?

Wilted Daughter

Hi ttcmomma, 

There is a lot happening at once (major life changes). Have you been able to find mom a PCP in the area? A PCP may be able to help or refer, regarding mom's anxiety issues. "Shadowing" is a problematic behavior and there are some articles that offer insight. You can Google "shadowing" for more on the topic.

anthemmemorycare.com/blog.what-is-shadowing-can-you-minimize-it

verywellhealth.com/shadowing-in-alzheimers-97620

Take all the help you can get, so you and your DH can get away for a day or two, once a week. You need time to decompress, rest, and grieve. Calling ALZ helpline (800) 272-3900 may help you find resources and help create a plan for handling current issues. Also there are support group that may offer viable insight.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you find digital resources/sources of information. I'd be happy to send links to articles or numbers to call.

M1

So sorry ttcmama, that's an awful lot to handle in a short period of time.  I feel like asking, Were you aware of the extent your mom's disabilities before your dad died?  He may have been caretaking and covering for her, that seems to be not uncommon in long distance situations.  I'm sure the unfamiliarity of surroundings has disoriented her, and there's probably no way around that.  I would agree that getting her to a physician ASAP may help, or perhaps you can call her previous doctor, who might still be willing to prescribe for her until you can get her established with someone in your area.

It will probably take longer than you want for her to settle in, and depending on the extent of her dementia, she may not make the adjustment very easily.  You may decide that a good memory care facility close to you is a better option, and you shouldn't beat yourself up if that turns out to be the case.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Kath50

Hi, sounds like we are in the same boat. My  dad suddenly passed back in the summer. My mom instantly moved in with us, she’s in late stage, 6. What is crucial,  is a routine. It will benefit everyone. Same time for meds, meals, bed etc. My mom is incontinent and so we have a bathroom schedule too. We buy depends and overnight poise pads. She wears both, to prevent leaks. I have not fully grieved my dad. I also have siblings who don’t want to help with her care. I’m dealing with mom, their estate, my kids and homeschooling and trying to sell our own house and theirs.  Some days it’s all too much. My mom is bossy,negative and complains a lot, repeats herself a lot  and all negative. It’s so draining!  She doesn’t even mourn my dad. I’ve lost myself and miss my dad. I’m sorry for your loss. But it’ll get better once a daily routine is establish. Set it up soon so it makes your life easier. My mom can’t walk anymore so she is content with tv. She has no other interests. While she eats or watches or shows or naps, I get chores etc done. I do my own shower or walk outside when my husband is home. Routine is great but it’s also the same thing day in and day out, some days feeling like house arrest. Make time for you, step out of the house when you can and utilize family support. The trauma and stress from my dads death set her back about a month. She regressed, but then got better. Hopefully that will happen to your mom too. Once she gets settled in and has a daily routine, maybe she’ll be ok with being by herself. My mom always has to make sure we are in eye or ear sight too but we try and keep our distance too in order to get stuff done.  Hang in there and it’ll get better!