Giving Mom New Bank Card?

Wilted Daughter

My head is still spinning after incidents with card charges, repeated ordering/deliveries then claiming it wasn't her who ordered them. Now the new card has arrived (old one expired yesterday) and I have to make the decision if it is safe to give to her. The fact that there is lack of insight (Anosognosia), denial, lacking self-awareness, and confabulations (saying she did not order when she did, saying she did not call when she did, saying she spoke to a company when she did not, saying she did not speak to a company when she did...) should make it easy to decide. I still feel guilt-ridden (mostly due to her outburst and blame shifting). 

There are moments of clarity and proper speaking, and proper use of things but there are increasing times when things are upside down and I'm tired of calling, writing companies to cancel orders and receiving credit/refunds then following up to ensure it's done. Part of me just wants to give her the card and if one more incident occurs then cancel the card, but cancelling anything is a long production. Also if she doesn't get the card she may want to go to the bank and get another one (obsessive compulsive). 

Woe is me, what's an adult child to do with her mom?

Quilting brings calm

my suggestion 

Open a new account with a small amount of money and that you can transfer money into electronically.  Get  a debit card for the new account.  Have the bank set the limit for that card as a small amount and make sure the card cannot be used when it goes over the checking account balance. Give her that card.  Do not give her the other one. 

Or buy her the prepaid VISA cards for small amounts. 

mommyandme (m&m)

After having to shut down and change my mother’s checking account three times and all that that entails, no more.  No more check writing or phone/online orders with CCs.  She would have some cash for anything she wanted. My brother and I took over everything. Serendipitously, all that came around the same time she lost her driving privileges so she only went anywhere when with someone else.  And now, very few thoughts about it. Bitter sweet of course. 

I feel your pain.  So sorry for your dilemma!

terei

It is clear to me that your mother should not be able to access anything financial at this point. Cut the card up + if she asks about it, tell her you will call the bank + find out about it.  Repeat as necessary. 

I assume she cannot get to the bank on her own, so I would use another excuse about not being able to go there.   ‘The car is acting up’ ‘the battery is dead’. again, repeat as necessary.

Unless you take control when these issues come up, you will be putting out fires on a regular basis. There is no reason to feel guilty or have second thoughts about protecting your mother’s finances + avoiding wasting your time having to sort out problems she is causing.    This includes limiting her phone use if she is using + causing problems in that area also.

M1

This remains a dilemma at our house too.  Computer access is gone, so there's no online. ordering, and she's not one to get on the phone a lot, but I do worry about it.  Writing checks to charities is still somewhat of an issue, but less so because I try to control the outgoing mail (easier in the winter when she doesn't want to go down the long drive to the mailbox).  The biggest issue remains phone scams.  We have to have a landline because of poor cell reception in the house, and there is simply no good way to block all of the scam callers (the no call list is completely scoffed at).  She's most susceptible to insurance scams:  found out yesterday she has a call set up for Wednesday to discuss "a new Medicare plan."  Just doesn't recognize it as a scam, no matter how many times I tell her.  Trying to get her to just not answer the phone, but that doesn't work very well either, and she never remembers to look at the caller ID (don't think she'd be able to tell which numbers she knows and which ones she doesn't).  I might be able to just turn off the ringers in her room, I may try that.

Rescue mom

I strongly second what Terei said. Now it’s time for you to be the adult and you have to take care your mom and her money—and yourself, if you want to function. You’ve said what will happen if you give her the card, do you really want to keep doing this over and over?

French

I had this issue with my partner 2 years ago. Lot of Amazon ordering and his card was hacked ( he was falling in all the traps « iPhone for 1€) so that I had to cancel it. 

After that, the bank sent a new card. He couldn’t remember the new code (mandatory to pay more than 30€ here) and wrote it on a post-it in is wallet with the card. I destroyed the code memo so that he could only pay small amounts in shops.

 But he was still trying to buy on internet and to win iPhones. I blocked its use on internet.

He was still able to use it in shops for small errands but sometimes it wasn’t working and then he was panicking, not able to find another solution, while he always had cash in his wallet. It was complicated for me because sometimes the shoppers let him keep the errands and I he wasn’t able to remember where, what... once he came back explaining he must go back to pay but wasn’t able to explain where. I went to the baker and yes, he had bought 2 pastries he had already eaten before coming back home (less than 5 minutes). He even couldn’t remember what whine of pastries he has eaten.

The card has also been lost once.

Then I decided to keep the card so that if he wanted to pay he had to use the cash. It never really worked because with covid he no more went out alone and because we now have a paid caregiver who goes with him.

My experience is that being able to manage permissions for a card with an app on your phone, notifying every expense, letting you block the card, block the expenses on internet, cap expenses... is very useful to make the transition to « no card « 

LovingAwareness

M1, one option to stop phone scams is to forward the number she picks up to your own cell phone. That way it won't ring for her, and you can screen her calls. We had to do this for our Dad due to unwanted calls from a "girlfriend" who was trying to take advantage of him, but the added benefit was that this has eliminated his exposure to charity calls, car warranty sales, scams, etc. I was concerned he would notice that the phone completely stopped ringing, but he never seemed to.

I just noticed you said you have poor cell reception, but do the calls go to VM if you don't pick up? If so, you could call legitimate calls back on the landline.

Wilted Daughter

After reading responses and having flash backs about computer, driving, phones, Rx refills and banking issues, I rather feel guilty than go through it again. The bank is already alerted from previous stop payments, closed account, linked cards to account...I'm weary from it all.

The phone is a 'torn in my side' and the next issue to address. She doesn't drive and without BC cannot call and place orders. I was doing the banking for awhile but then she became stingy (hoarding and misplacing money, not wanting to pay for what's needed or even acknowledging the necessities). It's hard for her to let go and acknowledge the benefits to her (set !!! bills on auto-pay). One minute she says they are setup on auto-debit then says no I call them in and doesn't remember or denies saying anything else. It's crazy around here and I don't take the much needed break because I'm afraid of what I'll find when I get back. LOL

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Wilted Daughter

Thank you all for your suggestions/feedback!!!!! It helps to know I am not alone or going crazy. 

Victoria2020 - Beautifully said, especially the part about "game" sometimes she is sharp as a tack, but more times than not her sharpness fades when required to rationally make decisions on demand that require change, different approach, or letting go...can't see or accept the "big picture" only current wants/needs. Foresight/forethought is blocked.