Impossible

Nowhere

My husband is in his second memory care home. He’s broken window and locks at least three times at his newest home. He barrages me with sad, angry, pitiful, manipulative emails. He cut himself tonight on a shard of glass. I awoke just now after an hour’s sleep gasping for breath. His Alzheimer’s of twelve years is killing me, but not him. His body is strong and his mind can’t see what he fears the most: abandonment and dementia. I couldn’t cope with him at home, but even less away. I don’t know where to turn. I’ve been a member of this site under three different names over the course of at least a decade. I’m explosively solitarily angry. I can’t cope in a healthy manner. 

Edited to add his latest email:

“ We are close to each other. Let’s try and meet.o

Okay let’s meet some how. I am in my room right now looking out my window
I look out a parking lot  the other entrance I 
see a main road
I will walk up Hopeing you see me. Where are you I am being held against my wishes. I am at my office. They are holding me against my wishes”

M1

Nowhere I'm so sorry. I have to say, I'm shocked he can still use email. Does he need that access? Might be easier on you if he didn't have it, frankly. You deserve to take care of yourself in this too.

dayn2nite2

This is the first memory care I’ve ever heard of that has a place where residents can email from.  If they have computers they can use, he’s in the wrong place.  If he’s emailing you from a phone or tablet it needs to be removed.  Any person that violent probably needs a Geri- psych stay in a hospital to be medicated properly.  Stop reading the emails.  Have them automatically sent to spam.

Ed1937

dayn2nite2 wrote:

Any person that violent probably needs a Geri- psych stay in a hospital to be medicated properly.  Stop reading the emails.  Have them automatically sent to spam.

It would be really hard to argue with that statement. In the meantime, read the email I received . I don't know if it's for you, but you sound like you need something. 

 Hello Ed,

I’m getting ready to close the doors to the Care Course. I’m so excited to start helping the amazing members waiting inside the private member area. But I couldn’t help but notice you aren’t one of them.

I’m hoping that means that you are feeling pretty good and doing well in your caregiving situation. That is my ultimate wish for all Careblazers!

In the event that time got away from you or you just needed one final nudge to reassure you this course can help you, here it is.

I’ll be going through this journey with you every step of the way.

We’re all excited and waiting inside the member area.

The only thing missing is you.

Join here. Get immediate access to all lessons. Start changing your life.

I can’t wait to see what you do.

I hope to see you inside the member area.

I break everything down for you inside my Care course.

Click here to join: www.careblazers.com/care​

All my best,

Dr. Natali

P.S. For those of you who don’t have the financial means to join this program. I hope you will continue to take advantage of my weekly YT videos, emails, FB group, and Careblazer survival guide- all of which are free.

​ 

ElaineD

Dear Nowhere,

I don't know you, of course.  I hear your pain and frustration, and I'm so sorry.  You describe yourself as 'explosively angry', as well.   

My husband is in the early stage of the Vascular Dementia that runs in his family.  We have been married for 58 years, and he has been angry, negative and very difficult for all of that time.  For the past 6 years I have been  severely physically disabled (walk with braces and a walker, cannot do any house work), and just last month I was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration as well. 

We moved two years ago to an Independent Living apartment ,in a very professional and beautiful facility that also provides Assisted Living and Memory Care.  I told my DH that this move was for me (and it was, as I was isolated in our home), but signs of his developing dementia were already there, so my sons encouraged this move for both of us.

My husband is my primary caretaker, and I know that, 1) I won't be able to care for him once his dementia requires physical caretaking, and 2) When he can no longer help me, I will have to have home health care and eventually I move to assisted living.  We may move together to assisted living!  

This is how I have dealt with the stress in my life.

1. Counseling from a professional makes a big difference..  I have seen the same psychotherapist for over 6 years.  I see him weekly, and now via Telemedicine.  He is saving my sanity.

2. Anti-depressants can be a big help.  Your primary care physician or other practitioner can prescribe anti-depressants.  I have worked with a doctor to find an antidepressant that helps me.

3. Regular physical exercise helps me a great deal.  I am severely disabled so my choices are limited.  I'm going to the pool this morning.  Yesterday I spent an hour on an exercise 'machine' called the Nu-Step.

4. Relaxation/meditation works.  There are youtube guided meditation programs.

5. Helping others is a wonderful way to find meaning in life.  That is very difficult in the time of Covid, of course.   

Because I'm in this wonderful Independent Living facility, I play bridge, Scrabble, and go to social events, have dinner in the Dining Room (all with masks and gloves and distancing) etc.  

Over 90% of us recently had two Covid vaccinations (Moderna), and we are tested weekly, as well.  Everyone here is very supportive of each other, Nowhere.  I am no longer isolated, and I can leave our apartment and go to exercise and social events.  I am so grateful.

Reaching out to others is as key for me, as are all of the steps listed above.  I hope you can find some ways to ease your pain and frustration.  It seems that you must let go of your DH.  His emails only cause you pain and he clearly doesn't know that, Nowhere.  

Elaine

aod326

Hi Nowhere. What a horrible situation to be in - it's no wonder you're at your wits' end. In addition to the suggestions to remove his opportunity to text/email and a geri-psych stay, I wonder if you could take a break from him too.

When DH went into his first MC I was recommended not to see him for 2-3 weeks. During that time he also broke windows, and threw a can of soda at another resident, so he was sent to hospital. That added on another two weeks when I couldn't see him, so a total of four weeks. Although I thought of him often - of course - that break for me really helped me to take a breath and regain some perspective.

I think DH was over-medicated in the geri-psych, but it meant that we could reduce his meds over time, back to a point where he wasn't aggressive. 

Good luck and big hugs.

terei

If you want to retain your sanity, you are going to have to either quit reading his emails, or block them, or disable his computer.    There is no benefit to either of you to read them.  

I honestly think his capability to compose + send these emails are keeping him in an agitated state + I would consider ‘breaking’ it.  Maybe that will cause him to focus on something else in his environment instead of keeping the door open to his ‘escape’ 

French

Nothing to add but my pity. It would also stress me.

I.m so surprised he is able to write complete sentences. It is a long time (more than one year) since my partner is no more able to write an email or a message on his phone.