Having a hard time(1)

mrnmbrcrnchr

I want to start with, I am new to this.

My dad passed a little over 2 years ago and my brother about 3 years ago. Mom moved into assisted living about a month ago. I am charged with selling her condo, and all the associated fun that goes along with that...

I am stressing.

Little things that mom does set me off.  She calls to ask if we are coming next week to visit, right after we get home from visiting this week.  She asks if we sold the condo yet, even though I only spoke with the realtor once, and I told her it would take at least 3 months.  I didnt even go into the fact that I had to remove 20 years of stuff before the realtor would take pics...She calls to ask about every piece of mail she receives, says she doesnt know what to do with it...

I could go on, and I know it sounds petty, but I guess I havent quite gotten used to her not being the parent...

Add 13 years of Catholic school to increase my guilt...

Maybe writing this down will help...we'll see...

M1

Welcome, hopefully you'll find lots of help from folks in similar situations.  Can you get her mail forwarded to you?  That might be one easy step.  It is an adjustment to become the caretaker, whether you've been the child or the spouse.  Definitely changes the relationship, but has to be done.  Glad you're getting her settled, it will probably get easier with time.  At least she agreed to move......

mrnmbrcrnchr

The one thing in our, my wife and I, favor was that Mom actually wanted to move.  

I should be happy that it was not a hard conversation...

skarl

Welcome, I am a newbie also. I am so sorry for all of your loss.

You must realize that suddenly, on top of your own life's responsibilities, you are not responsible for your mom too. No one would find  this easy.  

It's hard to remember this, but you can only do one (or two) things at a time. If you have a to do list (or to do LISTS) try to pick the two priorities for that day and focus on those. 

Re: your mom, my 90 year old mom w/Alzheimers is living with my sister and me during COVID. The thing I regret most is when my impatience runs out and I am short.  Someone suggested to me that my sister and I give ourselves a "time out," rather than being short with mom. Sometimes I can do that, sometimes I can't. 

You have so much on your plate, so remember to be kind to yourself. 

RobOT

IT'S NOT PETTY.  You've suddenly been asked to give up part of your life, it comes at times you don't get to choose, and it's the woman who gave up part of her life for you.  You know, The Madonna Thing.  Oh, and we have to be sweet about it, because the one time we aren't we know will live in infamy.  I've been taking care of my father for seven years, now, and it's the little things that make me want to blow up.  When he falls, or hurts himself, or whatever, we go to the ER and I deal with it,  It's part of the disease.  Whenever we are in the car--and it's always we, not just me--and he says: "Boy, that's a red car!" I want to scream.  Saying that five times from here to the store is part of the disease too, but there's nothing I can do about it to help, and it's really not hurting anything.  Except my blood pressure.  I journal, I garden, I walk around the block if it's safe to leave him, and I vent here.  Understanding helps a little, and knowing at least this part of it is my own frustration opens some possibility of dealing with it.  Until he looks out the window for the tenth time today and says  "Look at that bird over there in the tree, that's the same one as yesterday."  Take a deep breath!

mrnmbrcrnchr

thanks

BigJohnO

Like you, I am just learning how to deal with my wife's dementia. She often cannot complete a sentence and I resist the urge to complete it for her. After 45 years of marriage, we can complete each other's sentences. Now she cannot find the word she wants. 

I am learning to cook as she has forgotten every recipe she ever made. She helps in the kitchen, putting clean dishes and utensils away that I often find in the wrong shelf or drawer. It is so easy to lose patience, but I cannot do that as she sees it and it hurts her to see me upset.

So my hardest issue is patience. She does not know how to brush her teeth, fix her hair after shampooing it, do laundry or cook anything (often forgets how to use the microwave).

But I'm learning, and so will you. No guilt from you Catholic schooling! I pray every day and the main things I request are patience, wisdom and guidance.

God bless

John

WhatNow?

Hello and sorry that you are having to deal with all of this.  

It is very understandable to be frustrated and irritated at the whole situation.  It isn't easy to absorb responsibility for someone else and always be happy.  I have been caring for my mom for almost a year and a half now and have a ton of help between my husband and sister, and I still find myself not having the patience to deal with her sometimes.  My sister and I had to track down all her bills, figure out how to do what was needed to close her business, manage all her doctor appointments, find homes for numerous animals, figure out her insurance, and clean out and sell her property, which fingers crossed should be done in the next few weeks.  All I can say is we had to chunk it all up into very tiny steps or we would have been way overwhelmed.  There were still a lot of tears and stress, especially in the beginning.  

If there is any way to get you mom's bills and statements sent to your email or a new email for her I would definitely start there...and then anything else like junk mail if you can get that forward to you, it cuts down on a lot of confusion on their part.  

I hate junk mail that has "Urgent" on it!  I still have to beat my mom to our mailbox sometimes to try to prevent it from causing issues when she is staying with me.  It can actually be kind of comical when you stand back at look it.  

Hope you find venting does help!  I know it does help me.

dayn2nite2

Put in a change of address on USPS.com for her and have all her mail sent to you.  She shouldn't be receiving any.

If she has a phone in her room, have it removed.  If she has a cell phone she is using to call, take it the next time you visit.

She needs to depend on the staff for her socialization and support.

Also, as far as the house, tell her it sold already if that will make her happier.  Don't share details like how the agent couldn't take pictures due to the clutter or details like that.  If it would make her happy it sold, then tell her it's sold.

You are in charge of her affairs now, which is a parental role.  I would also consider whether "assisted living" is a proper placement for her.  Is she eating regularly?  Is she socializing with other residents or is she staying in her room?

Quilting brings calm

The repetitive calling is a thing... and happens more when they are anxious.  Only you and family can decide when she’s ready to give up the phone.  My LO isn’t ready for that yet and isn’t doing anything inappropriate with it besides calling me often.  Socialization is hard for them to come by right now as the virus precautions have preempted many of the normal scheduled activities.  Encourage her to go out and about in the facility. My LO is pretty much at a stage 4 and can carry on a repetitive but coherent conversation with doctors etc. anxiety and depression are common issues.  Medication can help. 

Yes, transfer the mail to you.  You can throw out the junk, find unknown bills, deliver her the magazines, etc.   get her a desk calendar and write down her appointments and when you will come back.  She won’t retain info in her memory bank but you can direct her to the calendar  to ease her concerns.  Maybe puck  afar off date to have  the condo cleaned out and sold and put that on there too. 

Read the 36 hour day 

Sean McCormack

Welcome and sorry you are going through this.   Just remember you are not alone. There are great people here and a lot of great information.   Do yourself a favor and download the care blazer survivor guide.(careblazers.com) Dr. Natalie is amazing!  Also her utube videos.   This has helped me immensely.  All the best on this journey

JodyR

Hi.  I am new as well - as of today.  Sorry for the ramble in advance.

My father passed in 2006 and my mom has lived alone since then - until this past October when we had her move in with my husband and me due to forgetfulness.  We live in a different state than family due to the military so we don't have the family support until my husband retires in 2 years. She has early on-set dementia with a lot of other health problems that we just found out about since she moved in with us.  

The day to day struggles seem to pile on.  She gets upset when we remind her she has to drink more water.  Doctors orders were she was supposed to drink a certain amount every day as she lost a kidney due to cancer last month.  She cant or wont drink 1/3 of what she is supposed to and cant understand why she cannot have her "brandy" at night.  

She used to get worried and stressed if she did not take her pills at the exact time (all vitamins at the time) and now that she has actual medications, she forgets them.  

We remind her to get up and walk, get her blood flowing/moving, she gets mad.  Remind her to take a shower, she gets mad (lucky if I can get her to take 2 a week).  She constantly blows/wipes her nose (out of habit) then gets mad when we ask her to use hand sanitizer or only use a tissue once.  NOW...she has started putting kleenex up her sleeve and our wash looks like a tissue factory exploded.  

It is the little things that I think she should be able to do that she doesn't or wont and I get so upset.  My husband too.  Someone below said that they feel like they are the parent.  I totally agree.  Her response to everything is "I know" or "I'll try"  That gets very upsetting after hearing it all the time.

When I get upset, I feel like such a rotten daughter.  I have to push my own mother to take a shower.  I get so made at myself and think that I should be better than this and she took care of you for 18 years -  you owe her this, but it doesn't always help and I feel awful.  Am I am bad daughter?  

M1

Hi Jody; welcome to the forum.  You are not a bad daughter; sounds like you are just finding out the hard way that your mom is more incapacitated than you knew before she moved in with you.  Almost certainly, the things you think she "won't" do, are things that she really "can't" do any more.

It's also almost certainly time to pick your battles.  She won't remember to take meds without reminders, and she won't remember to drink water or fluids spontaneously, or to get exercise.  You are likely going to have to supervise these things, or just forget them.  Time to decide:  what's really crucial, and what is not.

By the way, feel free to start your own thread or topic, you'll likely get more responses that way.  There are many experienced caregivers here in similar situations, and lots of information about the various stages of dementia and possible solutions.  Look for the green "start topic" button towards the top of each forum.

Painter65

Hello everyone, I'm new at this.  My mother was diagnosed last June with Alzheimer and she lives with my dad.  They are both in denial of this disease, Dad thinks its just old age and Mom just does not remember.  I live 3+ hours away, but I visit at least twice a month.  I was their this last weekend cause my dad had a stent but in his heart and should not drive or climb stairs for at least 3 days.  You noticed I said SHOULD!!!

 He is starting to get short with her. I can hear it in his voice the angry (not all the time) and frustration.  She repeats herself over and over.  She can ask the same question 3 times in an 1/2 hour.  It just breaks my heart that she does not understand why he gets angry with her.  I have suggested several times to my father to get in a support group. I'm at a lost what to do. If anyone has a ideal how to get him to accept her Alzheimer's I'm open to anything.

I do have other siblings, 6 to be exact.  Only 3 of us visit our parents on regular basis, the ones that live 2 to 3 hours away.  That's another conversations.

Maybe I just need to vent and get it off my chest in this group.

eburns55555

Good Evening,

First time member here.  My mother-in-law has had Altzheimer's since at least 2016.  My girlfriend and her daughter live with her and is her primary caretaker, but my girlfriend has let personal responsibilities slip in the household, such as finances, and taking care of herself and her own needs, so I volunteered to move in with them, so that bills would get paid on time, that they do not lose their house, and that I could be here to assist with the care of my mother-in-law.

I work from home while we have a caretaker who tends to her needs during the day.  My relationship with my mother-in-law is very single tracked - I see my mother-in-law doing something wrong, such as trying to bring an outdoor cat inside the house, or reminding her that her daughter is at work when she is telling people that she is dead, or trying to calm her down when she gets hysterical with grief over her daughter not being there all the time, she is always telling me to shut up, or that I don't know what I am talking about, or that I am a jerk for telling her those things.  When food and meals are purchased for the house by me, she will thank everyone else in the household for the meals and food, except me, the person that bought the food and the meals.  When she is corrected by other people of what I did, she will continue to insist and thank the others in the household, not once saying anything positive to me.  I remind myself that I am here to help my girlfriend and her family while going through all of this, but it doesn't get any easier, and it feels like everything that I am doing is thankless.

My girlfriend currently has to sleep with my mother-in-law in order to avoid additional histrionics due to loneliness and feelings of abandonment with my mother-in-law, so I end up sleeping by myself in my girlfriend's room.  Combine this with working full-time and going to school full-time for my bachelor's degree, it leaves me very very isolated in a household full of people.  The only time I get with my girlfriend is about a minute before she goes to work, and about 2 minutes to hug her before her mother comes out of her room, and calls to her to come back to her room and go to sleep with her mother.  My girlfriend and I love each other very much, but I feel very alone, especially when every day is exactly the same repeated routines.  I have discussed her mother's behavior with my girlfriend, and she has basically suggested to not engage my mother-in-law, to say nothing at all.  I have tried being nice to her, but I just get the same kinds of responses, telling me to shut up.  She doesn't do this with anyone else, just me.  It leaves me at a loss of how much of this hostile behavior is genuine dislike for me, and how much of it is due to her Alzheimers and dementia.  I really don't know what else I can do to improve things.  Any suggestions?  Thank you.

M1

All of you new folks should start your own topic, you'll get more folks reading and responding that way. No worries, it takes some getting used to....I'm not good at reposting but someone might do that for you.

abc123

I agree with day2nite 100%. I see so many members being driven crazy because their LO has a cell phone and calls constantly. I'm sorry this is so hard.

Azadi

eburns,

Sorry to hear about your problems at home. You have a lot in your plate.  Working full time plus studying for school is enough to make anyone stressed. Adding the mother in law plus her abusive language is adding to your stress. I would suggest to try to keep to yourself for a while so the mother in law does not get a chance to insult you. May be she will forget after a while to treat you bad. Did you know her before she was diagnosed? Did she treat you bad before her diagnosis? Does she treat others bad too and is agitated? may be her medication needs to be evaluated by the doctor. I hope this helps.    

EllisA

Please understand she isn't there mentally.  Your new role takes a TON patience and lots of prayer support.  You are not alone in this.  Many here will help you out if you ask.  This a day to day journey.  I just started  praying with you.  This might not seem like much, but it is what I can offer from afar at this point.  Take a look at Psalms 23 in any Bible.  This verse gets me thru each day.

I understand your confusion and FRUSTRATION PERSONALLY.    I was recently given my alz. diagnosis.  I  too am on a new long, unwanted journey.  This nasty disease seems to have started  changing many factors in my life, memory loss, fatigue, every single relationship, even those with friends and grandchildren.  Somethings are great, then I am suddenly lost in thought, or even physically.  It is a good thing I can still use google maps.  I have my travels plotted and home is always available.  Sure hope that stays with me for a long time!!

I know things will get easier, not better with time.  May God Bless and keep you and your Mom.  I try to read this message board daily, although I do forget to one in a while.  I also entered the Chat room.  EllisA  i think.

Take care

Bob at EllisA

Nancy B21

I am so sorry. 

Do not feel guilty.  We are all human and you are doing your very best.  We all are.

Hang in there.  The community on this website is the very best.  They are all so knowledgeable and helpful.