Looking for Advice

Karl38

I am 81, my wife is 80 and has had progressively worse memory and cognitive issues for 2.5 years.  Otherwise, we are both in good health.  I make all decisions now and she seems okay with this.  So far we lead a normal life and I don't believe anyone we know senses her problems yet.

We live in a large home in New England which with our age is becoming more difficult to maintain.  I would like to sell our home and move to a condo in Florida.  This is primarily to get away from the cold weather and the taxes.  We are well off financially but I don't want to die here.  I find it very irritating for my estate to pay the State hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes on assets I have accumulated and already paid taxes on.

I'm sure she would not want to move but I don't think she would fight it.  From the posts I've read here our situation could continue like this for years or she could soon require substantial care.  Or, she could even outlive me.  If I encounter health problems she would have more local support here including a son who lives in our town.  We have looked into CCRCs locally but decided we didn't like the life style.  We could move into one if I pushed for it.  Although CCRCs provide an umbrella of support its not as much as you would think if I am not around. 

So many options, so many unknowns.  I'm sure others out there have had to make these same decisions.  Any comments you would like to make are appreciated.  

harshedbuzz

Karl-

There's a lot to consider. 

My parents moved away when they retired for the lower cost of living; they split the year between the beach and 55+ community in FL. I also had an auntie with dementia who moved from Maine to a CCRC outside of Boston. Some thoughts.

1. What's your wife's safety net? 

If you were to have an emergency- say an accident or illness- is there someone who could step in and care for your wife? 

2. Who's your safety net? 

Is there someone looking out for you? My mother developed an autoimmune liver failure while in Florida- she was weak and unable to think clearly. My dad was unable to recognize how ill she was or to advocate for her. The woman was the color of a school bus. Her PCP sent her to the hospital, but dad couldn't be bothered to take her- he wanted to go home and eat. A neighbor ran into her at Publix and took her. The hospital called me as an emergency contact. On behalf of your son, let me just say flying stand-by into MCO as the only person not wearing mouse ears is kind of surreal.

3. My mother bristled at the CCRC lifestyle initially, too. She was very vested in homeownership and didn't want to live in what she considered "a nursing home". A few of the people in her IRL support group lived in a lovely Quaker CCRC near me and she realized that it probably would have been a better option. When you are in the thick of hands on caregiving, it's nice to have meals prepared, housekeeping options, medical care on campus. And if the PWD needs MC or SNF, it's great to have that be a short walk from your apartment or cottage. One man was able to hire companions for his who she already knew through their community which was much easier than finding someone through care.com or an agency. 

That said, many of these CCRC have a screening before acceptance which your DW might not be able to pass. Some places will accept a PWD for an additional fee. 

4. Florida can be iffy in terms of social life, especially in the 55+ communities. IME, often PWD are shunned to a degree and you could find yourself somewhat isolated socially as a couple. You would likely be welcome to join groups solo. When I went down to clean out their home ahead of the sale, all of the neighbors dropped by to ask after my mom but only one mentioned my dad and then only to complain about how rude he was. 

5. IME, the quality of medical care in FL can be all over the place. Some of the doctors my parents had there were great, but a couple of them were ghastly. If you are used to hospitals affiliated with places like Harvard and Yale, it might be an adjustment. 

6. That said, this is a decision you will need to make for both of you. If your wife would enjoy the pools and warm weather, it might make sense. There's also the option to rent the condo if things go south quickly and return in stage 8. 

My mom insisted on homeownership and we settled her into a carriage house in a 55+ community that's walkable to a shopping district. It has been the right choice for her. Most exterior stuff is handled by the HOA and she has many of the same lifestyle amenities as she had in FL but is local to me and better medical care. 

As always, YMMV.

HB

Cynbar

I would advise you to think carefully about this decision unless you have a support system in Florida. You say you have a son in the town you are in now ---- it is invaluable to have someone close by when problems arise. Florida may work well at first, but what will be your plan if you become ill and cannot manage the care of both of you? Dementia is progressive, your wife will get worse and you will likely need the support of someone to coordinate and supervise a plan. And if you have health issues, someone must help you deal with doctors and arrange care. Sometimes problems come up very suddenly. Multiple posts here indicate that long distance caregiving can be a nightmare. Please consider who will help and support you if you do make this move.