Advice needed for depressed father

SmithConz

Hi everyone,

My brother, father, sister, and I are a caretaking team for my 78 yo mother, who lives at home.  My brother lives with my parents and I come every other day to be with my mom.  My mom is in the later stages of dementia:  incontinent, frequent UTIs, losing mobility, starting to lose her appetite, and is beginning to sleep more during the day.  For background, she also has had 5 heart attacks and 6 stents placed in the LAD artery, so some of her mobility issues are due to her heart disease.  My mom is a kind, social person, and spending time with her is enjoyable.  The caretaking is physically exhausting, but I feel so blessed that she (for now) has a smile on her face and love in her eyes, even when she's not too certain who I am.

My question is about my father.  He is also 78 yo and provides some care for my mom.  He is not comfortable with any toileting or showering caretaking, so that is largely up to my brother or I.  He does all of the meal preparation and that is his point of pride.  My siblings and I encourage him to get out to do the shopping and also gather firewood, which he loves to do.  When my mom is napping too long, he'll walk over to the couch, look at her, and break down crying.  Sometimes he disappears out into the garage and drinks beer (I wouldn't care if he drank it in the house, but I think he's ashamed. And I also think the garage is a refuge).  Like so many of you, I am mourning the loss of who my mom was, but trying SO HARD to appreciate who she is- and I feel like we have a lot to appreciate.  My dad's crying breakdowns and on-going depression is making it really difficult for my mental health and ability to help for 12-15 hour shifts as I do now.  I feel like I am barely hanging-on as a caretaker, and being in a tense/sad house with him makes me want to run away.  (Another aside: I grew up living in constant fear and tension because of my dad's inability to handle the stress of being a husband and father.  I often felt like escaping as a child and it feels so strange to be experiencing the same feelings as an adult.)

I would also like to add outside caretakers to our weekly schedule as my brother is bearing the brunt of sleep-deprivation from being the main person on-duty for night care.  I know that having caretakers in the house will increase my dad's anxiety as he started crying when I brought it up.  He agreed to it because he said there really isn't a choice with the high level of care needed for my mom now. 

I have asked him to seek counseling and/or seek medication from his doctor, but he refuses.  Before Covid, our local senior center had a support group for spouses that I asked him to attend, but he would not.  I have compassion for him because he has suffered from depression and anxiety his whole life, and seeing his wife disappear a little more every day exacerbates his unchecked conditions. But I am struggling being around him and trying to stay "up" for not only Mom, but him, too.  

Has anyone had this type of challenge with the "healthy" parent?  My dad does not get along with my brother very well and my sister stays away as much as possible- helping only a few times a month.  I am the only child who still has conversations with my dad, and with which he'll listen.  If there is anyone who has had any success dealing with a parent like this, I'd love to hear what worked for you.  Thank you for listening. 

harshedbuzz

SmithConz wrote:

Has anyone had this type of challenge with the "healthy" parent?

I have. In many respects, my mother's anxiety, depression on top of long standing ADHD were harder to finesse than managing dad's dementia with a side of difficult personality/mental illness.  She fought my suggestions as if it were her job. 

What helped initially was not just suggesting a psychiatrist and medication, but finding a psychiatrist who would see someone her age, making the appointment and going in with her the first couple times. Likewise the ALZ support group- at first I attended with her. 

That said, in your shoes, I would be looking at placement. It doesn't sound as if your dad is up to the hands-on, intimate and escalating tasks of caregiving. My mother was OK with that part of dementia, but having help in the house upset her a great deal. In addition to the eye-watering cost of HHAs, she felt as if her space was being invaded and that they'd turned her home into a nursing home for one. She hated it.

We did place dad in the later stages. For my mom it was a relief to hand off the physical and emotional (dad was very uncooperative around care) weight of caregiving and go back to just being his wife. Their relationship improved once he was in professional care and she could bring him treats and just be with him on visits.

Sherry CO

I am in the same situation. I quit my full time job to help dad take care of mom. I also moved in. She's in her 5th year & I bath her & help her in the bathroom. Dad will do bathroom duty at night. He is also so depressed and it's a dark cloud in the house. I try & keep a good attitude but sometimes if I'm not with mom, I will go to my room because I can't take him anymore. I get it though. That's your spouse. Different relationship than a kid. When he goes to the store, I tell him to take his time. I got this. He hurries home. I've come to the conclusion, I can't help him if he doesn't help himself. I haven't talked to him about how depressing he is. I wouldn't do that. I just go outside or to my room if I need a break. Sorry I'm not much help but I don't know what to do either.

SmithConz

Harshedbuzz

Thank you for the ideas.  I laughed out loud when you said, "She fought my suggestions as if it were her job."  Yep.  

SmithConz

Sherry CO

Thanks for your reply.  I appreciate how difficult it is to function in that environment and I wish you well.