Family now has so many opinions but will not help me

Krimpet

Hello all, since I’ve had my aunt I don’t receive any help from her siblings. My grandmother is 80 years of age so she can’t really help out physically but I asked if maybe my Grandmom or my aunt’s and uncles could call everyday just to talk to my aunt for a bit because it helps with her anxiety and it keeps her busy it also gives me a little break. My grandmother calls maybe twice per week and keeps having my aunt give me the phone because she wants to talk to me and I don’t really want to be on the phone as I have other things that I am trying to do while my aunt is occupied on the phone. If I miss my grandmother’s telephone call she vegans calling multiple family members and saying that I won’t take her calls and how she keeps calling. Which she barely calls twice per week and the conversation is 2-5 minutes never longer. My aunt’s siblings don’t call her at all. My father is now offering me to take my aunt 1 time per week but he wants me to pay him, my mother tried to do the same thing a couple of months ago. I am beyond frustrated, I took my aunt to the doctor and she is now on a different medication for sleep so things have been getting better now that I can sleep. My mother calls and tells me how I should engage more with my aunt because every time she asks where my aunt is I tell her that she is in her room, my mother also suggests that my aunt is manipulating me and I need to handle her differently instead of waiting on her hand and foot. (I am not doing this, I’m just aware of my aunt’s limitations) then she suggests that I change her doctor. My grandmother suggests that my aunt go to stay with my other aunt in VA, might be a good idea but my aunt in VA doesn’t want her. I asked her myself and she said no. Then I asked her to alternate weeks with me and she said she’d need to pray about it. My aunt in VA suggests that I need to take my aunt to N/A and AA meetings, and also suggests that I socialize her instead of having her in the house all day, she also suggests that I stop giving her so much medication because the medication is causing her memory loss. My aunt mainly takes vitamins, I am following her physician’s orders. I am doing everything that I can to keep my aunt safe and healthy and with family. I don’t want her in a facility. I don’t want more and more suggestions added onto my plate. I take her to all of her doctor appointments , shower her, fix meals but I’m exhausted too. No one even sends her a plate of food but tell me that she needs to have vegetables with her dinner and fruit with her lunch. My family is a mess, I am doing all that I can.

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Krimpet

When the adult daycare centers are able to safely open I am going to enroll my aunt, I think that will help me out a lot. My aunt never had any children, when I was 16 years of age my aunt allowed me to live with her against everyone’s wishes, she believed in me when no one did. She always uplifted me and helped build my self esteem as I grew into a young lady. She even gave me the nickname Krimpet. I pray really hard for God to continue to navigate me through this process. You’re so right Victoria2020 I can’t expect my family to help me, just like my family can’t expect me to listen to whatever they are saying. I do feel a little better being able to vent on this forum

abc123

Dear Krimpet,

I am so happy that you had a wonderful Aunt during your early years who could see all the good you had to offer the world! Every young person deserves that! 

You know the old saying, Blood is thicker than water? I'm finding that to be true less and less as time goes by. My only sister told me just a few days ago that she has no intentions to help me in any way to care for our elderly parents. Our 80 year old mom has alz, about stage 5/6. Our 84 year old dad has been full time caregiver for the past 8 years. He fell last week, slipped on ice and hit his head. My sister told me that dad is getting what he deserves, she wants nothing from him and he can fu_k off. She said the only reason I come up to help is because I feel sorry for him. I told her I come up here also to see our mom. She reminded me to expect nothing from her. I also have a younger brother who was supposed to ride up here with me on Wednesday morning. He called at 5am to say he would not make it. Sooooo, I guess I can expect nothing from him either. In all fairness to my dad, I sat him down for a hard conversation. I told him not to expect anything from my siblings, no emotional support and no physical/hands on help while caring for our mom. 

This is a cruel disease but sometimes I think people are much worse. Krimpet, you are a good person doing a good job caregiving for your Aunt. I wish you the best! 

Krimpet

@abc123 I am so sorry to hear that  your siblings refuse to help you. They have no idea how hard it is especially for one person. I will keep you in my prayers because I know how hard it is and the many sacrifices in your life that you have to make to care for your parents. God Bless you.

Marta

Unless your relatives are directly involved with the care of your Aunt, they don’t get to criticize the care you provide. 

You are young. In time you will develop the confidence to reply to any criticisms:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUGGESTIONS. I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL.  Then, refuse to engage them about your Aunt’s care unless they offer help. 

Rinse and repeat...Rinse and repeat...Rinse and repeat....

Suzzin

One of my favorite replies is, "thank you! I'll add it to my list."  They don't need to know it's at the bottom of my list, and it's a subtle reminder that I have a list. A long list. If they ask about it I just say, yes, I'm working on it, it's on my list. Works for my ALZ parents and also my brother.