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It's time to move my mom to MC, how do I tell her?

My mom is 86 with alzheimers. We have had 46 hours a week of home care but I can no longer handle the rest of those hours and she needs (and has been approved) to enter MC facility. I kno it's needed but feel so guilty. She has always been a homebody. Has said many times she would rather die than go to 'the nut house' as she calls it. She has no idea that I've been working behind the scenes to set this up. How do I tell her she is leaving her home? When do I tell her? Plus with covid restrictions I can't even help her set up her room and try to make it pleasant. I'm overwhelmed as I'm sure you all are also.

Comments

  • MrsAnnabelLee
    MrsAnnabelLee Member Posts: 44
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    I'm sorry you're having to make this difficult decision during this time. I moved my mom into AL/MC during covid so I understand all your anxiety and emotions! 

    I found that trying to tell my mom anything ahead of time did not work for her. She would forget exactly what I said and only remember the emotion then be filled with unknown anxiety and fear. So I waited until the day of the move. I had her sister in law take her out of the house for a couple hours so I could pack up the things she needed and get the moving company in to grab her furniture. I told her that a utility company had to do some extensive updates on her house and that they'd have to cut off her electricity and water. I told her I found a nice place for her to stay during that time. 

    I know how hard this is, but this has been the best thing for my mom. She's socially engaged, and feels like she has a purpose again. You're doing the right thing, just put one foot in front of the other and take it one day at a time. 

  • laurelove
    laurelove Member Posts: 3
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Member
    I keep hearing people say they waited until the day of and admit it seems shocking to me although it makes sense as well. She is suspicious, I know it, so I don't think I can 'fool' her into thinking it's not permanent. How advanced was your mom when you made that choice? My mom still has times of clarity (well somewhat clarity, ugh). So heartbreaking. Thank you for your response, I don't feel so alone.
  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,597
    Seventh Anniversary 1,000 Likes 2500 Comments 500 Insightfuls Reactions
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    laurelove-

    You aren't alone. I moved my dad in what I assumed was late-middle stages. He was still very verbal and knew who my mom and I were. 

    We told dad we were taking him to a new doctor to make sure we were doing all we could for him. He wasn't aware of his cognitive changes so much thanks to anosognosia, but knew he wasn't very steady on his feet. Once at the MCF, we told him his new doctor wanted him to stay there for some rehab to get stronger. He'd been in rehab about 18 month prior and still harbored a bad reaction to the shared room and lousy food. We presented the new "rehab" as a more exclusive one with private rooms.

    I did drop off some new linens and artwork for the walls which they installed for me and which made the room seem almost hotel-like. Over time, we brought a couple framed family pictures he'd liked to personalize the space more.

    HB
  • MrsAnnabelLee
    MrsAnnabelLee Member Posts: 44
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    I understand it sounds shocking. It was a choice I made along with other professionals and the advice of those on this forum to allow her the benefit of as little anxiety as possible prior to the move. The move is now a decision you're making on her behalf, meaning it is not something you're convincing her to do. There will be a transition period regardless of how you spin it. 


    My mother still had very good situational awareness at the time of her move as well. It wasn't that I thought I could easily trick her. I said what I could to provide the most comfort at each moment. That's all we can do. 

  • Jane Smith
    Jane Smith Member Posts: 112
    Eighth Anniversary 100 Comments
    Member
    Short answer:  don’t tell her. 
    Someone here on the boards says the right answer, is the one that brings the most comfort, and that is not always the literal truth or every detail. Remember that dementia causes brain damage and their “reasoners are broken,” another phrase I learned here. 
    Something else to remember is that care needs drive the decision making:  we have to make choices for our loved ones to keep them safe, healthy, and well.  Sometimes that’s in direct opposition to what their pre-dementia self told us to do!  And that is hard.
    The facility should work with you to get her room set up, so talk to them. Places have gotten creative in the time of Covid!
    When we moved my mom into assisted living, she had just enough understanding, and moments of clarity, to know exactly what was going on, and it was hard.  For me!  She settled in well and thrived there, but it was hard. 

     But I have never felt guilty about it, because it was what she needed. My only regret is not placing her sooner, as the facility was much better for her than her previous living conditions. 
    A really kind nurse told me once to save the guilt for situations that deserve it (like shooting someone or robbing a bank) and otherwise, to feel regret. She told me that caregivers feel “guilty” a lot about things we have no control over, that I didn’t give my mom dementia, and that probably “guilty” was more like a combination of angry, sad, scared, grieving, confused, lonely, lack of control, fear, and a lot of other emotions. I’ve never forgotten that. 

  • MavisRules
    MavisRules Member Posts: 1
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Member
    My Mom is 84 and is in the moderate to severe moderate stages of dementia. I have MS and am unable to care for her. She has been in LTC for a week now and calls for me to come get her. I told her as advised by manager to say she is in for physical therapy. She wants to go home but doesn't even know where she lives. Nurse says she almost got out the door yesterday. How long does it usually take for someone to adjust to such a change in environment? I know everyone is different, this is a really good place and I am afraid she will be asked to leave if she makes too much trouble. Help...
  • Chris2337
    Chris2337 Member Posts: 8
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Member
    No you are definitely not alone here. I am going through the exact same situation with my 85 yr old mom. We have 25 hours a week of home care and were about to increase it to 35 hours, but a trip to the ER on Saturday threw another curve ball at us. We were not going to tell she was going to MC until the day of to lessen the anxiety and worry she would have. She has lived with us for over a year now and we just realized we are not equipped for 24/7 care. Guilt, yes. Betrayal, yes, but it now is for her own safety and well being. I had found a newer facility that miraculously has had no COVID cases. Saw her unit, put the deposit down and then Saturday happened. Her dementia and NPH had created a near stroke like state and could not move. We are doing what is best for our moms, just like they wanted the best for us as children. So please try and not feel guilty. Last night we did not have to worry what she was doing in the middle of the night. It was almost surreal, knowing that she was safe in the hospital and we did not have the worry of if she had fallen, had an accident, etc. You are doing the right thing.
  • Marlene130
    Marlene130 Member Posts: 3
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Member
    I am also going through the same situation.  I needed to place my mom in a MC facility.  I did try to prepare her for the move by telling her about the place, showing her photos and even took a drive by but she never remembered any of it the next day.  It is a very difficult thing to do but I do believe its in her best interest as well as my health and wellbeing.  I know the guilt you are feeling because I am feeling it too but like other posters have said we are doing the best for our LO.
  • laurelove
    laurelove Member Posts: 3
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    Member
    I really appreciate the input. This sucks so much for all of us, what a hideous disease. As of now I still think I might tell her the day before but I'm not sure what that would do other than make me feel better? My daughter thinks I should not tell her at all. When I said I want to tell her a day or so in advance so she can say goodbye my daughters reply was 'think about that, her saying goodbye....that sounds horrific' and it does so why do I still want to do it that way? I'm getting there...I think
  • Abuela
    Abuela Member Posts: 12
    Tenth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Member

    I moved mom to MC from AL without telling her.  But it was on the suggestion of the nurses that I sent her out for a geri psych eval to balance her meds to control her symptoms of paranoia, aggression and hallucinations before making them move.  So while she was out in geri psych unit I moved her and the room had the same layout as her AL room and even the same view.  But she knew she was in a different place but was never able to completely understand it.  Heartbreaking all around.  But no, I could not tell her. I could barely accept it myself.  The balance of the psych meds was really key to getting her to work out in the new unit.  The unit was only 9 people and meals were family style.  Two full time aids 24/7 and a daily activity person for 4  hours a day.  Much more than I could ever do for her.  it sure wasn't perfect but it was better for her than being with me at my house.  

    Moving her in from your home is going to rough.  But yes, wait until that day.  The staff will most likely know how to handle it and get her settled in.  It might be easier for her if you are not with her at first.  And the covid aspect is just another layer of this.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Good luck.  

  • ladyzetta
    ladyzetta Member Posts: 1,028
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Likes 5 Insightfuls Reactions
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    Telling your Mom she is leaving home and setting her up for some good byes it not a good idea that makes it seem too final. It probably is but why make her feel that way?

    When I placed my DH in MC he had no idea where he was going when we got to the facility I pulled right up to the front door and  the nurses all came out to the car to get my DH. I told him we were having lunch as soon as I parked I would be right back. This had all been planned way ahead of time. It was lunch time so he was taken right into the dinning room his Home Instead Health Care giver  was also waiting for him there. They all had lunch and he was then taken to his room and I had the room all ready for him. His recliner his bed spread family pictures on his wall. His room was very comfortable. As for me I did not go back I cried all the way home. Then 3 days later I went back I told him I was in a room in the other section and we were going to be there for a few days to get some test ran.  A lot of fiblets but it worked. 

    The MC facility has dealt with this many times I suggest you let them help you with the move in planning. They know what works. Good Luck. 

  • Sjodry
    Sjodry Member Posts: 68
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Member

    It is a tough choice. My mom was having behavioral escalations and falls. She was frequently being transported to the ER. My mom was becoming a danger to herself & I was forced to put her in memory care.

    My mom had declined enough that she was moved directly into MC from the hospital. She never really asked, I just said we need to stay here for awhile and get your health issues figured out. 

    I put an Alexa Echo Show 8 in her room so we can have video calls every day. My mom just went on to hospice and declined enough that I qualified as a compassionate caregiver. I called the state ombudsman and they called the CEO at my mom’s facility. I can see her every day now.

    Best of luck to you! It is a difficult journey, especially with Covid restrictions thrown in. I was determined that Covid will not dictate our journey toward her transition.

    Take care!

    Sandy

  • bbbonbon
    bbbonbon Member Posts: 11
    10 Comments Second Anniversary
    Member
    I'm sorry you're having to make this difficult decision during this time

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more